Let me tell you a secret: The people who have experienced the most pain and lived through hell are the people who have the most compassion, understanding and wisdom. That’s why the people who make an impact on you, the people who inspire you the most, are real people who have lived through real problems. That’s why you appreciate a couple who makes it 50+ years. You appreciate that advice and believe it, because there’s something tangible to prove its existence.
You can tell by one glance, if two gray-haired love birds mean the bullshit that so many have written about, or face-booked or said in a moment of self-proclamation. You can tell without words if they really have “LOVED” and remain in that love. Let me tell you secret #2: Love takes time, it takes failures and triumphs, good moments and not-so-good moments. No story is complete without the bad shit. No story is complete without angst, anger, fear, sadness, loss and trauma. No love story that is.
Want secret #3? There are good stories and bad stories. There are stories that will rip you to shreds and make you fall to your knees in sadness. There are also the ones that you make you want to grab a hose and squirt the two idiots engaging in the grotesque public display of affection like two feral cats. But just because something went awry somewhere down the line or it seems so glittering picture perfect doesn’t mean that it’s destined for dooms-ville or that those two people will last forever. And maybe that’s the secret to the secret. There’s no guarantee when it comes to love. You either risk going balls deep into that unknown world or you don’t. Just know that what you put into it: Thoughts, emotions, projection of past fears, reliance on that person to fulfill all your needs because you’re too stupid to even know what yours are…well, that’s exactly what you’re going to get.
Secret #4: You sure as hell shouldn’t believe that if you follow the 3 step process you read in that Cosmo article that you will keep your lover around. If they want to stay, they will stay. If they don’t, they don’t. Sub-secret to the secret of secret #3? Who knows, but I just mildly confused myself.
I may not be 80 years old with a family and I may not know what it feels like to spend 50+ years with the same person, but I do know about love. I do know that I’ve made many “mistakes”. I do know that with the hurt I’ve experienced I’ve also ripped someone’s heart out and selfishly stomped all over it. I do know that more than once I was immature and caught up in a fairy-tale notion that lead to co-dependent behavior. I do know when my heart really wasn’t into it, but my ego had a nice way of mind-fucking me into believing that maybe, sorta I could see myself continuing the charade. I do know that I have some good stories and some bad stories.
And I do know that the story I’m co-creating with a tall, sarcastic, and borderline hilarious ginger dude is tangible, real and has the potential to spark many more blog posts.
For reals, though. One thing that I’ve learned from him thus far is the same shit I tell all of you. (Funny how the people who give advice sometimes have problems taking their own, huh? ) Honesty and vulnerability are what’s going to help you navigate through your relationships. Example: My super-emotional temper tantrums, leaving wet towels on the floor, and lights in the on position while no one is home are things that he can deal with. He will bitch about it and I will rebel but we’ve come to a mutual understanding that those are not deal-breakers. However, my lack of awareness when I’m grouping him in with anyone who has ever hurt me and just leaving the room or building structure when we are in the middle of a disagreement are things he’s NOT OK with.
Oh yes, I had a very difficult time with A) A man actually using his words and telling me he’s angry and B) My validation for taking my emotions back to the past being ripped away from me. Button pusher much? In the best and worse ways possible. You see, he was honest. I wasn’t happy about it and tried to fly my justification flag like a member of the relationship color guard but at the end of the day, he was right. I may not have liked what I heard, maybe even got a little defensive about it, but I had to put myself in his shoes and understand that he was risking an uncomfortable situation by being vulnerable. So with honesty and vulnerability there must be an element of understanding.
Honesty and vulnerability are gifts a person gives to you in a relationship. Your gift back is the understanding to see them, hear them and not treat them like an asshole. And now, “dick in a box” is blaring through my head. That leads us to secret #5: Relationships are where you go to give something, not take something. See? It’s not all about you. And if you share this post for the sole hope that your significant other or person you want to passive aggressively attack for being selfish will see this…you need to get something off your chest sweetheart?
Would you like to see what that honesty and vulnerability looks like in a marriage? I received this text from a husband asking me for advice:
“When you get a chance, would you tell me about the (insert name here) you know? What she likes, what she doesn’t, hopes, dreams….The (insert name here) I know isn’t the (insert name here) you know…It’s hard to admit, since we’ve been married 3.5 years :(…and I can’t really love her the way she needs if I don’t know her.”
Honesty. Vulnerability. The desire to understand. He’s in it to give, not take. Do you know the amount of courage and vulnerability that takes for someone to admit…much less the male species. Baby Jesus, thank you for all the growed up boys.
And when I got that text, I balled like a baby. His wife is more loved than she will probably ever know and it’s a lesson to me and all the rest of you, to be loved and really seen for who you are, you must first love and really show who you are.
The idea of a girl being friend zoned seems odd. I think a more accurate description would be “why won’t he date me?” I wish the answer were something like men are complex creatures, but the truth is we really aren’t. We’re actually pretty simple to figure out. Sex and sandwiches, that’s it!
I’m just kidding. However, we are fairly simple creatures.
A reason why a girl may not be dating material may not even be known to most guys. A lot of guys will just say something like “I don’t know. It’s just not there” or “She’s cool, I’m just not sure I want a relationship right now.” Guys mean these things when they say them and I’m going to venture a guess that your average guy doesn’t give much thought into why they feel these things. It is the way it is.
However, lucky for you, I am a nerd and ever since I was little I always wanted to know “why?”. I am by no means an expert, but these are things I have noticed from my own experience and breaking down my buddies’ experiences. Mercedes has given some good advice and I wholeheartedly agree with a lot of it. I would like to add and expand on a few things.
So without further ado, reasons why a girl gets friend zoned from the male point of view.
1. “All you want is sex!” OK ladies, let’s get this out of the way, we want sex! It can be one of the most motivating things as a guy. After all sex is an important part of a relationship. Nothing says “I like you” like some good old fashioned hair pulling, ass smacking, hard core sex! Alright, maybe not that intense for everyone but you get the idea. With that being said, if a guy didn’t want to sleep with you that would be a bigger problem. By treating us like that’s ALL we want, you are almost making us feel bad about our sexual desires. Imagine a guy saying “You’re sexy. I want you. Like fifty shades of grey style!” Then you accuse him of just wanting sex. You’re kind of implying that his desire is unnatural and you don’t like it; Not a very good incentive for us to try again. There’s also the idea of the self fulfilling prophecy. Treat a guy like all he wants is sex and you may make HIM start to think that IS all he wants. And if that’s not the case then he will most likely be insulted. Again, not a good thing.
2. “I don’t know what we’re doing…” Oh this is such a horrible thing to hear from a guys point of view. It is a sure sign that the girl wants more than what we’re giving. Now don’t get me wrong, you should most definitely communicate what you are feeling and what you want, but having to say this usually means something got miscommunicated before this. Maybe the relationship started and the guy said he’s not looking for anything serious and you tried to play it cool. I’m not saying tell him you love him and you are eagerly wanting to get married and have children and a white picket fence and a dog and an SUV and soccer practice. Ahhhh! Too much. But, you should definitely communicate whether or not you are looking for a relationship or just looking to have some fun. Now, relationships can grow out of having some fun, but if you feel the need to ask this question that’s your internal instinct telling you something is wrong. If a guy likes you, you’ll know. Believe me. The need for this question signifies something is not clicking quite right.
3. “I don’t go out that much but it’s Wednesday and I’m really hungover…” Party girls!!!! Wooo Hoooo!!! We love y’all, but there is a time and a place for it. There is nothing wrong with going out and cutting loose but if you’re rivaling Ke$ha this is not good. The old adage actions speak louder than words holds true in this case. The same way you want a guy that has his shit together we want the same thing. I don’t know a guy that would take a girl who goes out 4-5 nights a week and gets hammered seriously. This says a lot about what’s important to you and the lifestyle you lead. If your ideal date is to go out and get black out wasted together you’re definitely going to be treated as the crazy party girl. This ties into Mercedes bringing your girl friends with you on a date. If you can’t hang out one on one and put yourself out there and get to know the guy, you may need to work on yourself before entering into a relationship.
4. “You’re going out with your friends again??? I thought we were gonna hang out???” Oh boy……this never ends well. It’s one thing if you’re in a relationship for a while and this happens more often than no,t but if you are just getting to know someone this comes off very poorly. As guys we have lives and friends that were there before you and will probably be there after you. Sorry, it’s true. It should be the same of your friends though. Expecting to hang out together every single time one of you goes out is a bit ludicrous. If you make plans and he blows you off, that’s one thing, but if it’s just “what are you doing tonight?” and he already has plans don’t sweat it. There is something about having guy time that is just not the same when a girl you’re talking to or dating is around. I would imagine it’s the same when you guys have girl time. We just like to go out and have a few drinks or play a sport of some kind or what ever. You guys like to read cosmos, paint each other’s nails, eat ice cream, and bash us guys. Just kidding! Although, I HAVE witnessed this. Don’t ask why I was at a girl’s night….. Anyway, you can’t miss something that is always there so don’t be afraid to give a little space. If you follow your shadow it will always move away from you. If you walk away from it, your shadow will follow you. I think I read that under a Snapple cap. Good advice none the less.
5. “I like this and I like that and I do this and me me me me me.” Conversations are not a one way street. While you definitely should put yourself out there and share your likes, dislikes, interests, passions and all that gooshy stuff; You need to take an interest in us too. Ask us what we like, what are our hopes and dreams, do we like popcorn and cuddling too. Alright maybe not necessarily those questions but take an interest in us. It’s the only way to find commonalities and build rapport on a more than surface level. At the same time you need to open up and hold up your end of the conversation. “I don’t know” is about the worst answer to any question. “So what do you like to do?” “I don’t know.” “What kind of food do you like?” “I don’t know.” “Do you have brothers and sisters?” “I don’t know.” “Are we in the same room right now?” “I don’t know.” Put yourself out there. If you get asked a question you’ve never thought about, take a minute to think about it. We’ll wait. A side note to this is be a little flirty. It adds fun to the interaction for both people. The conversation should be fun. You are a man and a woman getting to know each other, try to enjoy it. Feel free to give sassy answers. Make shit up. Break his balls a little bit. Don’t take things too seriously and have some fun.
So that’s my humble opinion on this matter. These are a few of the things that I have encountered in my dating life, as well as a few Mercedes touched on. Just try to be open and honest with yourself first and foremost and honest and open with the guy second. Blow jobs don’t hurt either. Hahahaha. No, seriously they don’t hurt. Just kidding! Or am I?????
Meet Sean Winkle. In his words: I’m brutally honest, maybe a bit brash, and have a witty sarcastic sense of humor. I’m your average extremely intelligent and good looking guy. I have an affinity for self development and diet coke. Polar pops son! I have loved, laughed, been hurt, hurt other people and I have grown from all of it. I want people to be the best version of themselves even if they don’t particularly like what I have to say. My intentions are good I assure you.
All of the relationship advice I give transpires because I’ve experienced whatever I happen to be writing about. Sometimes the ideas are thoroughly thought out and manifest after long baths or laying on my living room floor staring at the ceiling, after wearing out the batteries in my vibrator. Sorry, at that point I’m just too damn lazy and unmotivated to do anything else other than come up with blog material. Other times, I will randomly overhear a conversation behind me and it sticks out so forcefully I have to write about it.
But sometimes, I’m sitting with friends enjoying a Sunday Funday and a random comment turns into an interview session. Which leads me to discovering 10 reasons chicks get friend-zoned. So here they are, straight from the horse’s mouth, complete with my vaginal interpretation.
1. “They have to have their girlfriends with them on dates.” – In my not-so-professional opinion, I think what the dudes were trying to say here is, believe it or not, they crave just as much intimacy as us. The whole point of dating is getting to know someone. At SOME point you need to do the friend litmus test. However, inviting your lady lump posse with you more than rarely sends the signal that you are either A) Insecure B) Emotionally and possibly socially retarded because you can’t communicate or connect without added estrogen or C) Aren’t as interested as you think you are.
2. “They want you to chase too much; They play hard to get.” – Ah, the infamous “cat and mouse”. So here it is. There’s a HUGE difference between actually being hard to get and playing hard to get. A smart guy knows when you’re playing a game and he also knows when you truly are hard to get. How? You put yourself first. You have interests other than refusing to return his phone call in hopes it makes him want you more. You don’t calculate your next move like a game of chess. You value your time and respect yourself enough to have your own life. You are honest about your intentions and don’t play games.
3. “They don’t fuck you.” – This may offend some of you. By no means was it meant to, but if I’ve learned one thing in relationships is that you need be as transparent as humanly possible from the beginning. Otherwise you’re building your foundation on falsehoods. I had a friend explain a situation he was in. He liked the girl. She liked him. Sexual chemistry was on high levels. They found themselves in a bed. Rolling around. Mouth rape and heavy petting ensued. Suddenly, clothes were on the floor. She said “I’m not that kind of girl.” Uhhhhhhh….not what kind of girl? If you don’t want to have sex with someone, don’t have sex with them. But don’t get yourself to third base and then walk off the field saying “Jussssssssssssssst kidding, I’m not a baseball type of girl.” Giving off every single signal that you want D+V action and then laying there in all your naked awesomeness proclaiming to “not be that type of girl” is the opposite of a confident, secure and in charge of her life woman and a dude that’s interested in you gets turned on by a woman who knows what she wants. I wouldn’t be saying this if I wasn’t guilty of having done the same thing. I’m sure all of us have at some point or another. I think we confuse seduction with trying to be someone we’re not. In relationships, you have to be upfront about what you want. Whether that’s a fuck-buddy situation, a real relationship or a let’s-just-see-where-this-thing-goes agreement; USE YOUR WORDS and then make sure the action matches what you say. If not, someone is inevitably going to wind up getting hurt. Or a serious case of blue balls. From what I’ve heard, it’s not pleasant.
4. “They keep bringing up past relationships.” – If you’re still talking about your ex, saying things like, “Oh we used to eat at x restaurant all the time” or you keep bringing up all the things your ex used to do for you or telling your new man about all the things your ex has been up to because you’ve been doing some serious FB stalking, or you’re FB stalking your ex in general…you shouldn’t be in a relationship. Moral of the story is, we all have wounds and scars from past relationships. Not one person gets out of love unscathed. You have to make a conscious effort to work through those triggers should they pop up, but you also need to be aware of your emotions and respectful of the other persons. Your ex has no room in your new relationship. If he continually keeps being brought into it…well, no man worth having is going to wait around for you to finally “get over” your ex.
5. “Put your fucking cell phone down and have a real conversation.” – This one goes back to intimacy and possessing self-control. We live in a world where most of us can’t survive without our phones. But realize that you’re sending a message when you would rather be on your phone than connecting face to face with your man. It’s a way to avoid intimacy. It’s totally one of my faults. I did this thing where I added like 274 motivational and inspirational pages on my FB and I got addicted to reading every single fucking article or picture or quote posted. It’s a habit I’m trying to kick. But if you’re so uninterested in your partner that you can’t stay off social media every time you’re supposed to spending quality time together, you may have your reason of why you got ghosted.
6. “She has to wear makeup all the time.” – I disagree with this one, but this is the boy’s general consensus list, not mine. I get what they are trying to say though. They want a woman who can relax around them and not have to be dolled up all the time. In defense though boys, you have no idea the power a kick ass tube of mascara and a little bronzer can have on your entire outlook of life and you really have no idea how utterly great it feels to be a girl sometimes. We know you don’t understand how 99.9% of the little tubes, bottles and brushes in our bathroom work, but it makes us feel good. If you really think she looks her most beautiful as she’s waking up in the morning, brush the hair out of her face, kiss her and tell her how gorgeous she looks right there. Morning breath and all. The more secure, desired and appreciated she feels, the more she’s going to “let her hair down”. Trust.
7. ” She’s too materialistic and wants to talk about her Prada purse and she OMGEEEEEEE luuuuuuhves these shoes. Fuck that.” – Ladies, you are not the clothes you wear. Your worth is not determined by how many coach purses you own or how many pairs of stilettos you have categorized by color in your closet. There is nothing wrong with a passion for all things girly. It’s in our blood and you should never be ashamed of your love of glitter and appreciation of a fantastic pink cashmere sweater. However, when you define yourself by what you drive, the clothes you buy and your Instagram is nothing but pictures of Louis Vuitton everything, that’s all your man is going to see. He can’t appreciate the things he doesn’t understand and your girly ways, if you don’t give him something of real value to fall in love with. Like your humor, or your compassion for wanting to save all the three-legged bunnies in the world, or the incredible woman who you are without all the frills. In the grand scheme of things, raw human connection, sharing of experiences and living life are what bring people together. Not diamond rings, fancy vacations or a new iPhone. Those “things” become unimportant when we realize what really matters.
8. “Women worry about other women too much.” – I wrote a post about competition between women. Why it exists? It’s in our nature and we have to either grow out of the pettiness or cultivate the shit out of our lives so much that we are no longer jealous, envious or resentful of another woman…we’re inspired. OK, OK. I know it’s humanly impossible to look at every woman and be like “Wow! Girl you’re such an inspiration I just wanna hug you. ” Actually, women piss each other off so we have the opportunity to do some self-work. How we feel towards other women is a direct reflection of how feel about ourselves. Who gives a shit what the hottie in the really short hot pink skirt is doing. You secretly think she wants to suck your boyfriends dick? High five for you for having something that someone else wants. But just a tip, don’t be the girl that everyone is envious of because you have a hot boyfriend. Be the girl with confidence that knows how to smile and how to fucking be nice to other girls because you can. You’re gonna get no where in life hating on every attractive girl you see or comparing yourself to every other girl because you lack confidence and love of yourself.
9.“Women are always worried about what other men are doing for their girlfriends.” – Mad because your best friend gets flowers every week or love notes written on her mirror, or has a very stimulating sex life? Well, obviously there’s a problem in yours. It’s none of your business what goes on in your friends relationship and if you find it necessary to compare and point out what’s lacking in your own because of her happiness, USE YOUR WORDS. If you want something, ask for it. If you’re not getting something you’ve asked for, be willing to walk away if it’s a deal-breaker. But being mad at your man because he’s not Casanova-ing the shit out of you is no reason to act like a brat.
10. “She doesn’t say what she wants.” – Your man is not a mind reader. Though all of us women have this innate belief that everyone else has crazy powers of telepathy and that they should know the hidden meaning of crossed arms, heavy sighs, or “I’m fine”, men are literal creatures. They mean precisely what they say. They didn’t inherit our female hormones, indecisiveness and amaze-ball ways of changing our mind at any given second. They also don’t have ovaries that go all ninja and fuck shit up at the drop of a hat. The only way we are going to have our needs met and stay in a fulfilling partnership is to try to articulate what is we really want. No manipulation, no guilt trips, just straight talk.
Though I think you have to combine a few of these to get a fully executed friend-zone, I think there’s a lot of truth to what the boys said. And now, I shall go on the hunt for the top 10 reasons dudes get friendzoned.
*This conversation also sparked the manifestation of Barbie Dick clothing line: Themed costume wear for your man’s magic stick. Scuba Diver tonight, a member of the Village People tomorrow night. Could be the next big thing…