and this is what happened…

Monthly Archives: November 2013

22. It is up to you to decide what your beliefs are – From the second we are born, we’re born into someone else’s ideas about life. Some of us are lucky enough to be born into families that allow us the space to figure out who we are with full acceptance, some are not. We are conditioned not only by our parents and other family members, but also have society’s dictations thrust upon us. With time, we develop the confidence AND curiosity to strike out on our own in search of what we really believe to be true. For me, that didn’t happen until my middle 20s. Then it really gained momentum and I really started figuring out who I was at age 27. Don’t ever let someone else tell you how you should believe. Whether it’s your faith, your views on politics, your sexual orientation/desires, your career, your hobbies…anything. You never know if you never try; it’s a lonely world when you’ve only adopted what others would have you believe. Always be searching. Find what works…you’ll know. There will be no doubt in your mind. And when you do find it, don’t let anyone ever tell you “You’re wrong”.

23. The more you are yourself, the more others will accept you – Subconsciously, I think all of us can sniff out a bullshitter. Even when we are trying to bullshit ourselves. Ever run across someone who just feels so fake and inauthentic that it almost makes your stomach hurt? Others feel that way about you too if you’re not being who you really are. I’m sure we have all been guilty of following the crowd or masking our insecurities by doing what everyone else is doing and it will only bring you those same type of experiences. Before you know it, you will be surrounded by fake friends, in a job that you absolutely hate wondering what the fuck happened to your life. Make different choices. Be yourself. Say what’s on your fucking mind. If you couldn’t dream of telling your friends what you really like to do in your free time or the things that you are really interested in, get new fucking friends. I study astrology, I practice energy healing, I’m an essential oil whore, I light candles and meditate, I can see auras and know how to clear chakras. I also really enjoy talking about sex and how people behave in relationships. I life-coach some of my friends and have my feet in so many creative cookie jars that I make my own head spin. (Yes, my feet. I’m different, yeah I’m different) But my friends, the ones that I invest time in, may not understand any of it, but they love me and ACCEPT me regardless. Find the people who make you feel good for being you. The ones that celebrate the things you can bring to the table, instead of crucifying you for them.

24. Read – Go ahead, grab your 50 Shades of Gray or pull up your favorite gossip column or scan your ESPN app one more time to read about the latest player fined for driving drunk. It will help you pass the time and probably give you something to add to another one of your mindless conversations with those friends of yours that would rather discuss what Mileys up to now instead of anything of remote significance. I get it. I know how enticing that shit can be. I have my own smut guilty pleasures. Not that The Chive is considered smut, but I digress. Read something incredible. Read something inspiring. Don’t think books have any shit like that in them? Bullshit. I can give you links to 100 really amazing online magazines or websites that will bust open your brain and give you something to think about and then want to talk about. I can give you a list of the 100+ books in my kindle that have changed the way I think. Don’t be the boring the person that has nothing to say. And hey, men that read are crazy attractive, especially when they can tell you what book they just got done reading and why they liked it/hated it. Woman are crazy attractive when they have something intelligent to say…read!

25. Have an adult conversation with a kid – It will literally blow your mind. And you’ll probably always remember it. Treat them like the midget geniuses they are. However, some may also be midget assholes because of their asshole parents, you’ll have to judge accordingly.

26. Smile – Right fucking now. Stop reading this and smile….I’m waiting. Feel kinda retarded, huh? You didn’t look retarded. Someone somewhere probably got a boner. Did you chuckle a little? Do it again. Hold it 5 seconds. Do you feel different from  5 seconds ago? No? You’re a liar. I have learned the best way to combat a shitty attitude or anything less than an amazing feeling is to just smile. Smile at strangers, smile at your dog, smile at anything. Especially smile at yourself in the mirror and say, “Well hey there you fine lookin’ motherfucker. How’s about we saddle up this bitch and wrangle in some feel good shit.” Or however your confident voice speaks to you. Mine’s actually an Asian dude and I won’t tell you what I say to myself in the mirror. Smiling when you don’t want to or for no reason at all places you in the “now”. You forget about all the other shit rolling around in your head and your grounded right where you are. Suddenly you feel better and other people start feeling better too. In Guam, I would smile and then do a little hip thrust or I would sing hello to people as I smiled like a fool. I may have look like a fucking idiot, but you know what, I always had good days. Modern day Mary Poppins ya’ll…don’t hate.

27. Nothing is perfect – No relationship, no job, nothing. You will have your really incredibly fantastic days where you re-enact the dance numbers from “Newsies” in your living room and then there will be days you will want to go all Heath Ledger as The Joker on a situation. This is all normal. Life sucks sometimes. However, don’t have the expectation is has to be all honey butter and chocolate chip pancakes all the time or a scene from 300 on repeat either. Just because something is going awry in life doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. And just because things are shitastic doesn’t mean they aren’t ever going to be fantastic. Embrace the ebb and flow of life. When you are faced with the bad, lean on your friends. Don’t curl up inside your hole and self-loathe. Start to find your courage and the belief that no matter what, things won’t always be this way. Know that everything that comes to you in life comes with a lesson. Vent your little heart out. Scream, cry, masturbate til you pass out, whatever you have to do. Just don’t stuff. Don’t bottle it all up inside, reach out and touch somebody. Yeah, that.

28. You will change – What you liked at age 19 will change by the time you are 21. Who you are at 22 will be vastly different from who you are 25. And by the time you are closing in on 30…holy fuck. AND IT’S A GOOD THING! Never stay the same. And the more you change, the better it is for you. Experience everything you can, become firm in your ideals, let those ideals be tested, allow them to change. Always be open. To be a better version of yourself, you have to do the work. Doing the work constitutes seeking out things that will change you. Don’t be afraid of it. Be excited for it. I can’t wait to see where I am at 32. Who knows the craziness I’m going to be getting myself into but I welcome it. Allow it to happen as it happens and revel in where it’s brought you from where you came from. Face that you are born into this world immature. You will slough that off year by year and in my opinion, if you’re a dude, it’s gonna take you a hell of a lot longer to be someone us woman don’t want to strangle as often as we do now. Sorry, I couldn’t help it.

So there you have it. 28 lessons I’ve learned in 28 years. None of them were really that shocking…but important regardless. When I started this piece on Tuesday my boyfriend asked, “Do you even have 28 things to write about?” I gave him the “give me  break” look and said, “Dude, I could write like 150 things”. But I wouldn’t want to go spoiling the contents of my book now 😉

Thanks for reading!


14. If you want to see change, change yourself – Whether it’s the world, your relationship, your job or anything else in life that you don’t feel so fondly about…change yourself. We all know that the only thing we can control in life is our reaction to outside events. And whatever emotion we have towards something or whatever thought we choose to focus on, emits a vibration. An energetic vibration. Thoughts become things, right? It’s in our human nature to resist change, because the unknown can feel utterly scary at times. But, just know that if you wish to see positivity, love and everything that sparkles in this world, you must embody all those same things and focus your energy on those same things.

15. Everyone is a teacher – Believe it or not, that person you can’t stand…is a perfectly plucked person thrust into your life to teach you a thing or two about…you. That does not mean that you are to embrace them and become their BFF and take on the world together. Trust me, there are people who I would really just like to kick in the shin and wouldn’t be that mad about seeing shit their paints. But, I can’t focus on that…However, I can focus on why they are causing me to have such an emotional reaction to them. You really can learn something from everyone and 9 times out of ten the things that are driving you crazy about another person are really deep seeded, un-dealt with issues you’ve repressed. Thas crazzzy talk, Mercedes. I know, I know. But I’m telling you its the freaking truth.

16.People are motivated by different things – And it is not your job to tell them if that is right or wrong. This lesson is really about recognizing we were all born into different energies, elements, genetics, geographics, karma, however you wanna slice it and the paths that we each are on are so uniquely crafted that not one is the exact same. Once you really start to see how individual our lives really are from each other, the judgements we all seem to have about one another don’t become so severe. Some people are motivated by their faith, others by money, others by love, others by whatever crazy thought pops into their head at any given moment. Live and let live.

17 . Face your fears – They may never go away 100% but it will take you from a crippling state to, “Fuck, I think I’m actually 17% badass.” Hence why I became a flight attendant at 19.  When I was a kid I was so fascinated by planes that my dad would take me to the Anchorage Airport and I would just sit and stare out the window at all those metal birds. After my sisters were born, my grandmother took me back to St. Louis with her for a month. I let go of my dads hand, waved goodbye and made that first flight my bitch. But, then my mom left on an airplane and never came back and I found out my grandfather was petrified of airplanes and never flew. I started taking on that fear and somehow developed the most insane anxiety whenever I flew. So, at 19 I said fuck it, became a flight attendant and then quit 6 months later because of “engine malfunction” in an ice storm which lead to a passenger throwing their carry on luggage at my face. But I did it. I still have to take deep breaths and go to my vodka-enduced happy place when there’s turbulence…but hey, not crippled by it any-longer. The more you just “face your fears and do it anyways” the more powerful you become. I have yet to see if it works on spiders and probably never will. I doubt it would fare too well for my vocal chords or general state of well-being.

18. You have to fall apart at least once in life – In order to rebuild stronger and better than ever, you have to break down and let everything go to shit. Me trying to take my own life in 2012 was the best thing that ever happened to me. Please do not take that as me saying that everyone should down an entire bottle of zanax and peace out, but I am saying you find yourself and rebirth yourself at the worst of times. It’s like all the bullshit of life gets ripped off and your bare soul is hanging out there and it’s up to you on how you want to deal with it. Some people fall apart and then get stuck…they never recover. Some people are so scared to fall apart and really see themselves that they stay as far away as they possibly can and then there are those who erect new versions of themselves every year. It’s totally scary being on the brink of complete ruin, feeling alone and paralyzed…but then you get through it and suddenly you’re thankful.

19. The more you embrace your faults, the less people can use them against you – Some of you know laundry is my arch nemesis. I will blame this entirely on my Aquarius nature and the invention of the steam cycle on dryers. Fold that pile of warm, downy-scented goodness? Fuck no, throw it on the bed, then into the basket on the floor and pick through it for the next week until I need more stuff washed. Boom. Oh, I have lots of other faults too. Some that I have accepted will always be a part of me and some that I’m hoping maybe becoming Buddhist will help me overcome. But now when people try to use those faults against me, I shrug my shoulders and say, “so?” Own the not so flowery sides of you. Accept them or change them. But allowing them to exist and then getting all pissed off or defensive when someone calls you out on it just means that you probably need to deal with it.

20. If you want a good relationship, you must work at having a good relationship – Take it from the divorced chick. They just don’t suddenly appear out of thin air and continue to be all hallmark card prose and fiery sack sessions forever. Conflict will ensue. Feelings will get hurt. Assholes things will be said and done and bad things will happen in life that will test the very foundation you walk on. You get what you put in. Sometimes those relationships don’t last, sometimes they do. But having an expectation that it will be easy and effortless and should not stretch you and challenge you more than you could have imagined is just plain silly. Remember what I said earlier about being the change you wish to see? Good relationships start with you.

21. Your beliefs don’t determine your character, your behavior does – Are they in sync with each other? Most times, that’s all you really need to pay attention to. It doesn’t really matter what words the person says, how are they behaving in accordance with the person they’ve made themselves out to be? Don’t ever be the person that has to say, “I’m not like those other guys/girls”, “I’m a really trustworthy person” ,”I promise I’ll make it right”, blah blah blah. Be. Do. You should never have to stand on a soapbox professing to others about your character…they will know by your actions.

Ohhhhh snap…we’re almost there!

7. Learn how to say “I’m Sorry” – Without continuing to sound like an asshole. A shitty sorry looks like this, “I’m sorry, but….” Adding anything other than the reason you are sorry after you say said apology is counter productive. You don’t say sorry and then justify why you hurt them in the first place. More often than not, I have not exactly quite understood why I hurt someone or pissed them off and even have gotten wildly defensive that they would call me out. I have learned that my feelings really don’t matter at this point. At this point I must simply take my ego out of the picture, look at theirs and say, “I’m really sorry I __________. Is there anything I can do to make it right?” Psssssssst….this one is really fucking hard to do. ESPECIALLY if it’s with your significant other and you feel that they should be apologizing to you because what you’re apologizing for only happened because they were being completely ridiculous. Tit for tat ya’ll…am i right?! Unfortunately, no. It’s a vicious cycle really. Great apologies and putting yourself in other people’s shoes are not going to happen overnight. But now that you have read this, maybe you will be aware of it next time and instead of digging yourself a bigger grave and looking like a complete douchehole, you can pause, think about how you really don’t want to hurt the person you love and just say you’re sorry. And mean it.

8. Real friendship means being so mad at the other person you quietly threaten to yourself to not be their friend anymore – Mercedes, what the fuck are you talking about? This sounds like some middle school shit. If you are getting mad at your friends, so mad that you are at the point of calling the whole thing off and saying “Fuck you, and your perfectly shaped eyebrows!”, then you’re doing something right. How? Well, both of you are probably being real with the other person. It’s not all fluff, and blasts on Facebook about how much you adore each other and can’t live without the other….every 3 days. No, it’s blowing up on your BFF when she’s being just a tad too needy and telling her to go get her own fucking vanilla soy frappucino. This is only an example. But that’s what real friendship looks like. It’s just as important as your romantic relationship. Because even when a romantic relationship ends, your best friend(s) are gonna be there to help you pick up the aftermath. You have to be real, you have to be vulnerable, you have to let your friends see the not so glamorous sides of you and embrace them together. They are your catalysts for growth. They are the only human beings on this earth that will be able to point blankly tell you something offensive, however true, and you say, “Maybe she’s right?” About 2 days after you write in your journal that maybe she needs to fall asleep for a week to give her subconscious ample time to find and remove the proverbial dick that’s been lodged up her ass.

9. Adopt – Fur babies. and children too. Everyone needs love!

10. Get comfortable with solo dates – In other words date yourself. When I was in my early twenties, I couldn’t imagine going anywhere “alone”. Now, I LOVE when I get the opportunity to grab dinner and a drink by myself. I’ve also gone to a theatre production alone, even dressed up and bought myself some flowers. However totally weird, I felt great. You have to spend time on yourself, being in the quiet of your own crazy head and really appreciate what you have going on. It is now imperative to my insanity that I have alone time and even though I may not be able to go wine and dine myself, I’ll sneak off in my hole and write for a couple of hours or go soak in the tub. So yeah, alone time. Do it. Like everyday.

11. Have sacred space – Have things that you do only for you. Not for putting on FB or instagram or twitter to share with the world. Though our online lives all look like mini Reality TV shows nowadays, it really is beneficial for your well-being and self-esteem to have shit that you do for you. I used to take pictures of my food ALL THE TIME and put it on Facebook or instagram. Most of the time I was out with friends or my boyfriend and would interrupt perfectly good conversation or a delicious moment savoring scallops to, “What are you doing”, “Hold on a second, I’m showing all 259 of my friends how impeccably well these scallops are cooked.” It’s fucking dumb. If it’s that imperative that you inform your social circle about your diet, wait to post the picture until you’re in the car on the way home. We waste too many moments on the desire to stay connected to an online world that is just a facade anyways. Keep your sacred space sacred. Do things with the intention that it’s solely for the nourishment of you. And next time any of you see a picture of food on my Facebook, feel free to call me out.

12. Stick up for yourself – I punched someone in the face my first night I was in Guam. Was it the most spiritual, kind, zen thing I could have done.? Absolutely not. Talk shit, get hit. In all seriousness though, in my defense, he deserved it and I have zero tolerance for asshole males that take the liberty of saying really inappropriate things to me and then grabbing me like I’m the last oreo in the sleeve. I am by no means telling you to go around punching people if they piss you off. Violence is bad, seriously guys. But if you don’t start sticking up for yourself, people will always walk all over you. Sticking up for yourself can simply mean not hanging around certain people anymore or voicing those boundaries we wrote on the walls of our bubbles in the last post. It can even mean not engaging in an argument with a combative person. Bottom line, whatever you put up with will continue.

13. Take care of the people you care about – If they are sick, call them and ask if they need you to bring them anything. Or just show up at their house with Chicken Soup from Straub’s. If you are out drinking, make sure they get home safe and don’t let them leave with weirdo people you don’t know. If you know they are having a rough time, use your imagination and come up with something to cheer them up. And especially in romantic relationships, just because you have the person now, doesn’t mean you can stop trying to “woo” them. The second you get the mentality you no longer have to try because you have it in the bag is the second the other person is going to realize they deserve better. Be better. Make an impact. The little things matter. I have a horrible memory, I know, shocking… I couldn’t tell you more than 10% of the gifts I’ve received in my lifetime. However, I can tell you every moment that someone made me feel incredibly special either by surprising me with a gift out of the blue, writing me a letter or just-because email or taking care of me when I needed it the most. Life is not about accumulating wealth and friends, it’s about cultivating the relationships you do have and loving the shit out of the people you care about. With a little looooooove, and some tenderrrrnessss.

13 down…Almost halfway!!!!

1. Let others be –  How someone else decides to live their life is none of your business. Even when they hurt you. GASP. Yes, I just said that. One day I realized that the opinions I had of everyone else’s life existed because I was too scared to face the realities of my own life and would rather project my fears, disappointment, and anger onto others instead of dealing with my own shit.  Like the never-ending story, this will be a never-ending lesson…it will present itself in all of it’s fucked up glory until you, dearest, learn that the ONLY person you can control is yourself.

2. Others will never let you be so you must have BOUNDARIES – Blow yourself an imaginary bubble. Get inside of it. Take out a sharpie and write down your needs in inter-personal relationships onto its transparent walls. Memorize what you just wrote down. Love your bubble. Be protective of your bubble. Know that it is YOUR job and your job alone to assure that bubble stays in tact, because a person can only pop your bubble if you let them. And bubble body guards don’t exist, so you’re gonna have to be your own Whitney and Kevin Costner all in one.

3. Dance – The stresses of life attach themselves to us and sometimes, even when we’ve broken off whatever creepy little things have grown because of that stress, there’s stuff left over. Dancing was created to shake off that residue…in my scientifical and highly profound opinion. Whether you’re the next Magic Mike rolling your junk in the faces of dollar-bill ridden hotties, or a white girl like myself that gets kicked off the dance floor by African Queens for hip thrusting to “My goodies”…for the love of all that is worthy DANCE! It will release tension, it will burn a few calories, it will make you happy. It also may freak other people out, and get you the nickname “Crazy Legs”, but it’s not really about them now is it?

4. Make really stupid decisions all in the name of Love – And embrace them. Because the sooner you can accept that the heart wants what it wants and will take really fucked up paths to get there; paths that rational and logical you would never dream of seeking out, the closer you will have gotten to know more about the person who needs your love the most…you. And you’ll be better equipped to do the most important job in life…to give love. But, love is not rational. Love is the furthest thing from logical. Love is also the reason one day I will launch my own greeting card line that says things like, “Sorry I fucked up and threw that bottle of vitamins at your head”. Fall in passionate and toxic love with the “too good to be truer”. Settle for the “there’s no spark but they make sense on paper-er”. Go against your gut feelings and date all those “I’m too afraid to be alone so you’re just my time filler”. Also spend some time sitting on your apartment floor, drinking red wine out of the bottle, arguing with the Universe on the crossed signals it’s apparently been receiving and yelling, “if I wasn’t the fucking messenger, I would shoot the fucking messenger!”

I read a quote this morning that said, “You can’t win if you don’t play.” Love is pain. You’re gonna get hurt, you’re gonna hurt others and there will be endings that you beg for someone to take your life because you’re too chicken shit to do it yourself. BUT DO IT ANYWAYS. Cubs fans still support their team and spend lots o’ monies on tickets/booze/whatever becaaaaaaause…just because something sucks doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. Besides, you never know if THIS will be the year that the curse ends.

5. Find your pink tutu – I have a pink tutu that I put on when I’m so happy that I might burst. I can’t help it. I fill up with this insane energy and can’t not do something about it. So, I wait until I’m alone, I pull the folds of tulle over my legs and bootie and let the fun begin. I’ve written some incredible blog posts under the influence of that tutu, made the best damn flamingo costume for Halloween with it one year and it has made me realize that you gotta do whatever it is in life that makes you happy. It never fails me. No matter what’s going on, it elevates me to a place of oneness with everything. When I was in Guam, the best piece of advice I got was from the person I least expected and the person I least liked. When I asked him what his advice was on making this whole “Clubmate” thing work he said, “Find the one thing that’s yours. The one place you can go to that makes you forget about everything else. It’s what’s gonna keep you sane.” So, find your pink tutu. Put that motherfucker on and prance around this life like the lead in the nutcracker. And go ahead, crack some nuts while you’re at it.

6. Peace the fuck out – Whether you take a two-week trip to Belize, go to Guam for two months or try your luck at being an erotic masseuse in Amsterdam, leave the comfort of home and everything you’ve known before. Do the things that you’ve always wanted to do and when you do, you’ll discover a shit ton more things that you never dreamed you’d want to do. You’ll meet people who will change your life with just one sentence, you’ll smell things that will awaken every cell in your body and you’ll go to sleep at night with something indescribable imprinted on your soul. You’ll have a new appreciation for your loved ones and the water pressure in your own shower. And if you go somewhere far enough away from the rat race of home and a place so very different from where you hang your hat, you will never be the same again and what you thought you knew about happiness and a “life well lived” and what you “should” want out of life is bullshit.

Life is the culmination of your experiences and when you’re young, it’s easy to look at the American Dream or the White Picket Fence Ideal and say, “yeah, that’s all that I want”. How do you know if you’ve never even attempted to try anything else? When you’re so afraid to take a risk and experience the unknown it’s an easy trap to fall into to never want anything other than what you’ve been conditioned to want. A job with a nice salary, a mortgage that’s worth it because of the three car-garage and an annual christmas card sent out to the same people with the same smiles with the only difference being that you used sepia tone on the family picture instead of black and white. Or it’s easier to put your desires in a box and shove them under the bed because it’s “not realistic”. I call bullshit again.

I had all those things and I was absolutely miserable. I want money just like everyone else, it buys me the little comforts of life-like pumpkin spice lattes, Margherita pizzas and books to read on rainy days. It pays my bills, It makes things easier, it allows me to do things for other people and shower them with tokens of my affection…but not at the expense of my happiness. However, as I’ve always said, you have to experience what you don’t want in order to discover what you do want. And wanting the American Dream is in no way shape or form “bad”, just make sure you want those things for the right reasons.

Please give yourself the gift of unfamiliar surroundings to break open your ideas, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Be pliable, be open and go to that faraway place, you’ll be surprised at what you’ll find.

28 lessons? You get 6 for now….stay tuned for the next 22.

Right now I’m sitting in my bathtub, in St. Louis…I woke up at 4:17 a.m this morning because I could no longer sleep. Something was building up inside of me and I was having one of those half awake/half asleep repeat dreams. The same 10 seconds kept playing and I finally woke myself up because the images spinning in my head were quite frankly annoying the shit out of me. I quietly put on my favorite white robe and went downstairs and made some chamomile tea and topped it off with some vanilla coconut milk and a little sugar. Sploosh.

I hiked back up the three flights of stairs to the bedroom and grabbed my laptop. As I cradled it in my arms while not trying to spill any tea I started to make my way into the den. I slowly walked past the bed; my boyfriend stirred and groggily said, “Baby, what are you doing?”

“I’m gonna go read…which will probably lead to me writing…I don’t want to wake you up.”

“Do it in here. I just want to be close to you.”

How could I resist.

I crawled back into bed, again balancing my cup of tea and laptop. I sat in silence for 10 minutes and sipped on my tea while I rubbed his head.

Then I clicked on my kindle application and started reading “Write for you”, a book I had purchased yesterday for $4.34. It was a recommended read in another book I’m reading on about law of attraction and I immediately felt an infinity to it and that I absolutely MUST read it.

At 5:56 a.m. I finished a free-flowing 10-minute writing exercise that the book has you do. It said to take a break. But I wanted to write to more. I couldn’t NOT write. Which is crazy, because I spent two months in Guam forcing myself to write even though I was in paradise.

So I grabbed my laptop again, went into the bathroom, turned on the hot water and carefully infused it with 10 drops of Lavender oil. I sat down, took a deep breath and put my laptop on the sill of the bathtub. I recalled the very last sentence I wrote in my free-flowing writing exercise and thought, “that would be a really good way to start out my book.” I pulled up a new word document, wrote down the words and then paused.

Then I heard a voice…”blog”. So I logged onto I took her advice…

A year ago today, I sat at my best friends kitchen table writing my very first blog post on I took her advice at 4 am. and went downstairs in the same white robe  I’m wearing right now because I couldn’t sleep. I had been awake thinking about my life and the incredibly frustrating search for love I had found myself in.

I wrote ferociously for 2 hours straight about the conversation I had with my grandmother the night before. I basically told all of you all why I feel about love the way that I do. I told you the story of my grandparents and began to let you all in on my life.

In that moment, typing those words and feeling as if my heart was going to explode, I realized I had had enough of being too caught up in the world and my own little life dramas to put my first love on the back burner…my writing. I had let my search for true love and pain from life run me into a corner…but something broke loose. Something lead me to bust open my voice and create. And on November 14, 2012 I took her advice was created…precisely at 6:17 a.m.

Well it’s 6:37 a.m. a year later and the forces woke me up precisely at the exact same time they did last year to bring into creation something that has changed my life forever.

And here I sit with chill bumps recalling what my best friend said to me on the phone when I told her I was leaving Guam and coming home. “I was reading your last post and realized you write your best shit when you’re home.” The first thing I saw when I logged onto the blog was the orange indicator light letting me know I have a notification.

I opened it and read “Happy Anniversary with WordPress”.

There’s not a single person that could tell me synchronicities don’t exist and aren’t profound. There is nothing that could deter me from feeling that there are no coincidences in this world and that everything is by chance.

There is also a feeling settling on my skin, more than it ever has, that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

And just because I am Mercedes and it wouldn’t be fair to keep profanity or transparency out of this post…I’ve had a lot of fucking sex in the past 40 hours, so much that I need to fill this tub with more hot water and just soak…for an undetermined period of time.

I have been on Guam 51 days. And right this moment I realized that the person that just rolled her bags out of my room is a person that I am going to miss tremendously and be forever grateful she appeared so briefly in my life.

When I landed in Honolulu, I sat down at the gate that my flight to Guam would be leaving from. I just so happened to sit next to a tall blonde in a UCLA sweatshirt, rocking yoga pants and a fedora. She was on the phone and within 2 minutes I realized that this was the other girl hired as a clubmate.

The call with her friend ended; she sat in silence, while cradling her phone in her hands. She then slowly dialed a number and stared at the screen. She didn’t hit send, she just sat there. She looked up and then back down. Whoever belonged to the number on her dial pad must be someone of importance…I could feel the energy beaming off her.

The she cleared the screen and tucked her phone in her sweatshirt. It was then I said, “Are you Kaitlyn?”

“Yeah, are you Mercedes?!”

Enter the hellos, and handshakes and smiles and excitement. Enter me finding out about her beaming pride in her recent graduate status from college and me telling her I came to Guam to mostly write.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe we happened to be sitting next to each other. I was about to call my ex-boyfriend…should I?

“I saw that. Sorry, I couldn’t help but notice the apprehension….and No. Don’t call him.”

We chatted for about another hour before our flight took off and 9 hours later we both rolled our suitcases into room 231 to start our Guam Adventure together as roommates.

Well that bubbly, huge-smile, 22-year-old Californian positive ray of sunshine has me in tears. Right this moment.

She had lost both of her grandparents a month prior to coming to Guam and had broken things off with her first love. Things that I found out in the early days of training. In 51 days I feel like I gained a sister. Sometimes,  a really annoying one that I just wanted to look at with those big older-sister eyes of “Seriously?” and have a talk with her…which I did on numerous occasions. But, with the tears that were shared, her having to listen to me and Steve fight over Skype because of the turmoil going on at home, to experiencing several bouts of food poisoning…I feel like there’s already something missing in this room. Her.

She thought coming here would help her heal…or at least take her out of the pain long enough to breathe and figure out where to go next. Well little one, I hope as you’re boarding your plane to take your flight home to your family that you are filled with a sense of peace and love and a knowing that everything happens for a reason. Because you may have taught me more in the last 51 days than any self-help book I’ve ever read.

Even though, yes, I will be glad to “Masturbate and have Skype sex anytime I want now” I will miss you more than you know. And as I read the beautiful letter you left for me, I just want you to know I love you girl.


Heeeeeeeeeyyyy sexayyy ladayyy….motha fatha gentleman 🙂

Hi there beautiful roommate,
I just wanted to leave you with some parting words from yours truly that you can read whenever you’re lonely and miss that weird blonde girl who used to give archery lessons in the next bed over. I am going to miss you so much! I know  Guam would have never been the same without you. Thank you for adding such goofy fun and beautiful, vibrant joy to my life. I know the next few months might be tough, but please always remember that you are never alone. You are one of the strongest people I’ve ever met and for that, I admire you. But I also want you to remember that vulnerability is strength as well. You don’t always have to have the answers and it’s okay that life gets a little out of hand. Because when it does, you can always grab a burger from Jamaican Grill, some kinky, and good ole Fireball Whisky…Turn on the camera, hit record, and the stage is all your for the taking. But in all seriousness, thank you from the bottom of my heart for simply being you. You have taught me so much and I hope some day I can grow enough guts to say Fuck you to someone without apologizing afterwards. Your strength amazes me and your resilience is an inspiration. Remember my big dreamer to never hold back. Look to the horizon and tell yourself, “Hey, I’m Mercedes. I’m fucking awesome. And I’m going to make Guam my lil’ bitch.” Haha. Bet you didn’t see that one coming! Love and miss you, Kaitlyn.”

So there you have it. Advice from the woman herself…Sometimes the ones who come into your life the shortest amount of time make the biggest impact.

Have you ever cried so hard you drown your sinuses?  Do you know what it feels like to have your soul seep out of your eye sockets? Have you ever desired for darkness to take over you so intensely that you almost suffocate thinking about it?

It’s the most alive you’ve ever felt, right? Because you’re at the point that your heart could literally give out at any moment and then you think, “Fuck, having a heartache and dying naked in the bathtub is not the most glorious way to die.” But you don’t think that…really…because you’re heart is still flopping around trying to fucking kill you and who really thinks about the worst case scenario when their smack dab in the middle of dying?

I used to say I was broken. I used to think there was something so incredibly screwed up in my head that it was impossible for me to really trust people. And there may be an ounce of truth in that, but it’s not being broken or fucked up. It’s just being real. But, I also know that at some point some form of healing has to take place so that trust that’s been so distorted and non-existant can start to grow. I get really close, sometimes I read the things I write and I’m like, “Mercedes, you’re finally getting it!” But then I wind up covered in fucking snot again with my heart on my floor, having nightmares about being left by my mother or molested countless times as a child or any of the other stuff I’ve had to deal with.

And here I sit wondering if this time is going to be the straw that breaks the camels back. I wanna know if THIS time is going to be the time that literally breaks me. I want the easy way out…I don’t want to have these fears anymore. No therapist, no medication, no book has been able to keep the pain and fear at bay.

I get into an relationship and BAM. Hiiiiiii demons, you’re right on schedule.

I pretty much came here to meet those demons head on and I wasn’t wrong for thinking that they were going to be waiting for me. I just never imagined that I couldn’t beat them…I honestly don’t know what to do.

There is not one part of me that wants to identify with those “stories” anymore. I feel like that’s all they are. They are some worn-out, old-ass jumbled group of words that hold no meaning. Well, that’s what I want them to be so desperately. But, do they only get talked about to subconsciously remind myself that I’m strong…do I even fucking believe that? Why do I even feel the need to talk about them?

I read a book once that said we seek out in our relationships the repeat of wounds we experienced as children in order for them to heal. I can attest to that, but I’m doing something wrong…obviously.  Because I’m not healing, it seems that as time goes on the harder my heart becomes and the less I trust. Universe I need some help.

I knew coming here was going to be life-changing, I knew it was going to force some uncomfortable situations on me and I thought I was ready. I don’t want this god damn guilt anymore, I don’t want this colored lens of abandonment to taint every relationship that I get into and I definitely don’t want to sit here and pretend that life isn’t just straight-up fucking painful some times.

I’m angry. At so many things. At more than one person. I feel like because I have opened the door on my vulnerability and let someone in, that now my trying to deal with shit is being thrown back in my face.

I am not fucking perfect, and yes, like everyone I have my issues but I’ve never felt so centered and feeling like I know what the fuck is going on even though emotionally sometimes I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I’ve owned my craziness. I’ve owned up to the fact that I’m a dramatic little tyrant sometimes, but just want to know that even in the worst of times, when things are said in the heat of the moment that I don’t really mean…well, that the other person is going to be there so we can help each other work out our issues.

But pride and the ego are mood killers. They even kill relationships too. At what point do you just shut-up, tell them what they want to hear and be done with it?

I don’t know, Mercedes. I really don’t. All I can tell you is to sit in this moment right now and feel all of it. You can try and read another mind-numbing article or watch another feel-good movie but it’s not going to take away what you’re meant to feel right this instant. Be still with it and know that the answers you’re looking for are within you. Stop looking outside of yourself.

Healing is already taking place…you know that.