and this is what happened…

Category Archives: It’s just Girl Talk

A few weeks ago, in the midst of casual bar conversation, a dude looks at me and says “Would you ever bleach your asshole?”.

I took a sip of my drink and proclaimed, “ABSOLUTELY.”

“WHAT?! Why?” He said laughing. I kind of gave him one of those disapproving looks. He’s all over there pretending to be surprised at my response and I’m all over here like fucker, you’re just being your button-pressing male species, so don’t play it off like you don’t know what I was going to say.

I took another sip of my drink, gave him the IDGAF shoulder-shrug and said, “Everything on a girl should be pretty.”

“Ok, I can respect that.”

Waaaaaaaait a minute. Why is it shocking that I would go through the trouble of prettifying my back door if it makes me feel better? I mean don’t get me wrong, sometimes I go days at a time without shaving when no one is going to see the stems and other regions that normally don’t get sunlight this time of the year. But my comment on girls parts should be pretty at all times, I believe 100%. When it comes to showing them to other people.

I look at it this way. If I was propositioned to have sex with Ron Jeremy for one million dollars, I wouldn’t fucking do it. He has the MOST disgusting set of balls ever. I saw a porno once and he was sitting in a chair and it looked like his ball sac was a hot mess of indian food covered in chocolate mesh wrapping. Not hawt.

Most of us don’t have to pay people to have sex with us, though some of you probably do or have paid to have sex with someone else, but I don’t judge. I like the way it feels knowing that someone wants to have sex with me for free and I don’t have the luxury of making millions of dollars every time someone does, so if my shit looks like something you’ve played “kamikaze smoothie with the contents of the refrigerator”, I will go through the hassle of putting chemicals on it so I don’t get some crazy locker-room nickname. But if you’re into that sort of sick crap, well, that’s just unfortunate.

But, because the world does not revolve around me and my opinions, I took to the polls.  7 of my friends got in on the action and here’s what they said to the above referenced question:

1. “One, I imagine, ow! Two, who’s really paying that much attention anyway?” (Me. I pay that much attention. But that’s probably because I’m a little weird and I also want to have something to throw in your face should we ever get into a down and dirty fight and I need to pull out the big guns. Cuz you know, making fun of someone’s asshole is away to really cut em’ down.)

2.”Probably. Had this chat with the boy. Lol, but he likes my butt. And to make it purty! But I’m not like thinking it’s bad or anything.  But you think about these things when your ass is in the air or in someone’s face ya know?” (Agreed, lady.)

3. “Hmm. Yes if it needed it because I don’t want someone thinking a turd is slipping out while down there.” (Holler.)

4. “I heard it can be dangerous. Not sure what the scary health complications could be but I’d do it for the same reason I wax. Asthetics.” (Chest bump.)

5. “Ummmmmmm probably not. I’m ok with its color.” (Yours must be unicorn pretty. Lucky.)

6.”Hell no!” (Respect all the way.)

7. “Is everyone doing it? Just kidding. Yes.” (Why would you not…)

5 to 3. So what about the rest of you, would you bleach your asshole? Guys, does that kind of thing do it for you or are you indifferent and or/ turned off?


Can long distance relationships work? Having never been in one myself, I don’t know how to answer that question. I’ve posed it many times and most times I get a resounding “no”. However, last night I stumbled across Bianca.

Scene set: Cheshire Inn in Clayton. The bar in the hotel looked like it came straight out of a fairytale hunting lodge. In a castle. Dark lighting, huge fireplace, wing back chairs. It really was like my own little slice of rustic heaven. I wanted to sit by the fire with a brandy and cigar but my reasoning for being there was a work happy hour and was too busy chit chatting up the girlfriends and wives of the lawyers who were throwing a birthday party for a fellow lawyer friend.

In walked Bianca. She stood close to the bar, about 10 feet away from us and  looked around like she wasn’t sure if she was in the right place. I got the sense she was meeting someone and they hadn’t arrived yet. I HATE feeling that way and since I had already consumed two vodka tonics I figured I’d go see what was up and greet her with some friendly vibes. I was mid sentence complimenting one of the girls on being “interesting” and started to walk towards Bianca.

“And this lady right here…Hi there, you look like you might not be in the right place, I’m Mercedes.” I gave her a little bit of a side hug (I just think handshakes between women in a social environment is dumb. Yes I said it.)

She breathed a sigh of relief, smiled and said, “Acutally I’m meeting my friend here, I don’t see him.”

“I got the feeling that might be the case. You looked a little out of your element, so I thought I’d come over and say hi.”

“Thanks, yeah, walking into bars not knowing anyone isn’t one of my favorite things to do.”

“Well, while you’re waiting for him you should join us.” Everyone introduced themselves and Bianca and I sat down at the bar. We did the usual occupation, age and why we’re in this bar exchange. I asked if the person she was meeting was her boyfriend and he was not. Then I asked why he wasn’t with her on a friday night. “He lives in California.” My ears perked up: Research. Time.

“Sooooooo, Bianca. I write. Most of the things I write about have everything to do with dating, relationships and un-boring things. Mind if I invade your privacy and ask you some questions about your relationship?”

She smiled, took a sip of her beer and said, “Not at all.”

“Hardest thing about a long distance relationship.”

“Easy. Not being able to come home to them every night and be able to share every moment with them. Like if I go to a theatre and see a show and I really wish they could experience it with me, I can’t. I can only send pictures. Or If I’m having a really bad day and I just need a hug.”

“I can only imagine. I don’t do well with not being able to share the everyday little things with someone, so I give you mad props for being able to do it.”

“So if you were going to give someone else in a long distance relationship advice, what would you say?”

“Communication obviously is the most important. Like you haven’t heard that before, right? It’s important in any relationship but even more so in a long distance relationship. You absolutely need to be on the same page and that goes hand in hand with communicating well. You spend a lot of time on the phone so you need to be interesting and have things to talk about. Having common goals is really important too. I think it creates a really stimulating relationship when you have two different people from two different backgrounds and you’re not always going to see eye to eye, so you need to be really good at agreeing to disagree. I’m agnostic and he comes from a very religious background, I think it brings a lot of complexity and to our relationship in a good way.”

“You’re the only person I’ve talked to that is an advocate for a long distance relationship. Why do you think yours is working and others don’t?”

“Well, we’ve known each other for a very long time. He was a childhood friend and we knew so much about each other. I came into town for the holidays once and we went and hung out. It turned into a little 2 month thing and then we just decided to take it to the next level. It would have been really hard to see him in every situation and get a realistic version of someone if you don’t spend a lot of time with them, so I don’t think it could have worked if we didn’t already know each other for as long as we have.”

About that time, her friend showed up and I had to do my social duty and buy the birthday boy a shot. He’s legitimate Russian so he requested Grey Goose, chilled. Shots of vodka? I can definitely do that. 🙂 After the shot we joined his girlfriend and we all started chit chatting about their recent trip to London. I learned that you can get the “best curry in the world” in London. Apparently its a scientific fact.

So to sum up my impromptu research sesh, long distance relationships are a lot of work, but according to Bianca they most definitely can succeed.  She was even sweet enough to take a picture with me. I had a dedicated follower (aka one of my besties) request that I take pictures with the people I interview. Since this interview didn’t hop the fence of inappropriate and airing dirty laundry, I figured it would be safe to broadcast. Bianca if you’re reading this, it was a pleasure meeting you and I hope everything works out splendidly for you. 🙂


I love when things just naturally progress into more awesomeness. Throw some raw honesty on that fire and BAM! Here’s Part 2 of questions posed by the male sex to the female sex:

Question 1: What do you do when you start to really like a guy?

1. Get shy, giggly, and quiet.

2. Play hard to get just a little.

3. Randomly showing up at his favorite bar just hoping to run into him.

4. Think about him about every 20 minutes. Think about how he will be in 10 years, 20 years in general. Start planning every hilarious, witty comment to him and store them for the next week.

5. Cook for him.

6. Get nervous…I mess up on my texts to him. Find myself happy when he is around.

7. Tell my best friend and get her opinion.

8. Call him.

9.  Think about them throughout the day and how to make plans with them.

10. Stalk him on Facebook.

In the words of my KC Globetrotter friend, “Act like a puppy”. Yes, 90% of the time I’m a sassy spitfire with a borderline bitch complex. But every so often someone gets in a little crack and then I go soft. If you’ve gotten me to that point and I think you’re worth the madness, I’ll cook you breakfast. You’ll meet my best friend and enter the family circle at which point it’s impossible to get back in when you’ve been thrown out. 

Question 2: What about the things you do when you realize you love him?

1. Go ATM…hahaha. Now-a-days it’s have sex without a condom, anal, and the L bomb has to drop if he wants to cum inside….oh, and shower with. There are a few other things, but my time is up. Those are off the top of my head. (Haaaaaa…God I love you. I actually had one guy pose the question, “Would you ever go ass-to-mouth?”  but it didn’t make the cut off questions. Lady, I’m sure you brought a smile to his face.)

2. Marry Him.

3. Anal.

4. Talk about kids.

5. Anal.

6. Anal. Completely open myself up to him.

7. Anything having to do with a butt hole!

8. Blow job.

9. Be more adventurous in bed, introduce him to my parents, make compromises in my beliefs.

10. Let him kiss me in front of my kids.

Rolling my eyes. Ugh, me in love. Did I mention I have an addiction to fru-fru coffee drinks? Well if you’re a dude and have me sprung, watch out. I’m a make-out whore, a frantic mirror love note writer and sexual button pusher. Seriously. I have marbles to prove it. With all you other chicks, Anal seems to be a theme here. What do you give him on the 5 year anniversary then if he’s already come through the back door?

Questions 3: What is the right response from a guy when you ask if you are getting fat (and you really are)?

1. An honest one.

2. Shut the fuck up!

3. Your beautiful just the way you are, but I’d be happy to go to the gym with you.

4. I love you EVERY way you are. You are either this way or that way and it’s a fact, but any way is the best. hahaaa! yeah right, but that is the best way no doubt.

5. The truth….nicely of course.

6. I have never been there, so I dunno. I would want him to be honest, I mean that too.

7. There wouldn’t need to be a response because I would never ask him that. Why would I want to put him in that awkward situation? I wouldn’t want someone asking me if they look fat or not!

8. There is no right response.

9. I always think you look great, babe, but if you want we can start going to the gym together and being healthier together.

10. I love you the way you are, but you’ve gained a couple pounds… Do you want to start working out together?

Considering that I’m in the current point of my cycle where any carb sounds splendid and it’s like a trigger reaction of complete malnourished face stuffing if I don’t get my hands on oreos or banana bread, I want the guy to look me right in the eye and lie to me. Then fuck me to burn off some of those calories. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy, in my book. Especially when it’s a hormonally charged week for me. It’s just not good for your general state of well-being to say anything other than “you look fantastic.” If it’s a problem and things are getting out of control, I’ll take care of it. Then again, I can appreciate the chick that can take the brutal honesty. 

Question 4: Does size really matter and does a perfect size exist?

1. Yes and no. I’ve had the donkey dick a couple of times…it hurt a bit and left me thinking, “anal will NEVER be an option.” But I’ve also had a “short short man”…falling out is unfun. I’d say the average 5/6/7 incher.

2. No, one that fits 🙂

3. YES. 6 inches I would guess. Nice girth too. hate those long skinny ones.

4. Yes. Sorry. yes. I mean, I can deal if you are the most confident man on earth and don’t give a shit and can make fun of yourself for it and make up for it in lots of other ways. But that’s it. Otherwise 7 in.

5. Sometimes….Lets be honest you want to know it’s there!!! but there is such a thing as too big!

6. No, it doesn’t. His heart is what matters. (Have you ever been with someone only packing 4 inches? Talk about disappointment)

7. Size doesn’t matter, just as long as it’s big enough to get me off!

8. It can make a difference.

9. Yeeeeeeep. There’s just something about feeling “full”.

10. ?????

Different shapes and sizes on both sides of the fence. Different strokes for different folks. But yes. I get scared and run when it’s too big and huff, puff and fade out if  I’m wondering if it’s “in” yet.

Question 5: Are politics important to you and are they something that you think should be a deal breaker in a relationship if they differ from the person you are seeing?

1. Nah. I just recently dated a democrat though my father insists I am a republican. Honestly, I like to hear what you have to say about it, but I’ll like 8000 other things about you first.

2. Important but would never be a deal breaker

3. Yes—because some hit the very core of who you are. I couldn’t be with a conservative republican, nuff said. Someone would end up dead.

4. No…and no…they are all puppets anyway.

5. I hate politics and I think it is terrible if politics causes strain in a relationship.

6. Of course, I hope we agree. But, no it doesn’t really matter.

7. Don’t think politics necessarily, but many of the issues for which they stand could be a deal breaker.

8. Nope, as long as he is willing to accept my beliefs as my own and not belittle me for them, it isn’t a deal breaker.

9. I think so, because it is usually your basic beliefs.

10. Yes. Just kep your vote to yourself!!!

Sigh. Politics. It’s such a touchy subject. I don’t know if there’s a general consensus on this one other than just respect each other and maybe don’t broadcast your affiliate? I was with someone once who would literally go into road rage crazy mode if anyone had any other view other than what his spoiled ass republican views were. If you can’t state your opinion without being an asshole or condescending, STFU.

Question 6: What things do you hate about the guy you’re dating that you’re too afraid to tell him?

1. “You’re not that funny” “You’re not that awesome with your hands/mouth/dick” “You’re dick is as small as you think” “I’ve been fake laughing the whole time” “You’re too nice for me”

2. If they don’t make me orgasm I always feel bad telling them? Not sure how to answer this question.

3. Not funny and/or goofy enough. That’s the main thing. Not spontaneous enough perhaps. And I do like big corn-fed bodies. Whether they are buff or not, the bigger the manlier and that is a turn on in itself. But sense of humor takes all.

4. If a guy has hang ups I don’t want it to be brought up…chances are I don’t notice or if I do…dont care…I think this applies to them as well about us.

5. Nothing really, if I hate it I will tell them. (Ba-zing!)

6. Not listening when we are in bed. I am hard to get off.

7. I’m in a long term relationship, but the only things I am too scared to tell him are things that would hurt him. These would be things about his family and how he is around them and how hypocritical he is about things in his life compared to mine.

8. Floss your teeth daily.

9. I hate PDA.

10. Torture. (Hmmmm….what exactly are we talking about?)

For me, I think the hard part comes into play when I’m trying to decipher between whether a personality/character trait is a red flag or just some flaw that I’m going to grow to love AND hate about them. If I have to pick one thing though, the hardest thing to say to a guy is, “Stop being a fucking pussy. Act like a man. I’m a strong personality and expect you to be strong as well so I can relax and act like a woman without worrying about things crumbling because you’re too weak and insecure. And maybe you should pursue me and not be so damn intimidated. ” Maybe that’s precisely why I’m investing hours each day getting into all of your brains, instead of making stuffed french toast and rolling around naked with a significant other of my own. But I’m a sucker for blind hope and maybe I’m just getting closer and closer to the end goal. 

Question 7: What is the scariest thing about a relationship?

1. Trust.

2. Commitment.

3. Changing your mind then regretting it.

4. That they will change their mind about you….or you them…this can include cheating etc….same thing really.

5. Getting the feeling that you’re getting ready to be dumped.

6. Wondering what they are thinking about me.

7. The thought that it could possibly end, voluntarily or not. I would hate to lose my boyfriend.

8. Determining the label/seriousness of it.

9. You never know when someone can change their mind.

10. Trust.

Bottom Line: Love is scary. I’m the type that I just go all in when that switch flips and I start falling. It’s all or nothing with me. I’m shit when it comes to dragging things out and I move at the speed of light. That comes from knowing exactly what I want, trusting myself that I can navigate through blaring red flags and having my time wasted in the past that I won’t ever do that to someone. If I want you, you’ll know it. But I will back the fuck out if you can’t meet me halfway. I don’t have the time or heart capacity to stick it out and see if you’ll finally come around. It’s scary to know that what you’ve invested and all those moments of vulnerability and memories can be gone like that. 

Question 8: What one thing would make relationships easier?

1. Actually being able to trust the guy.

2. Honesty

3. If people weren’t so scared to be honest.

4. I would love to say good communication but at the minute…my shit is a hot mess and that is not our problem!

5. If everyone stopped worrying so much about everything. Let’s just forget about it and cuddle!

6. If both people would just listen to each other. Willing to push through hard things.


8. Accepting people for who they are.

9. Trust and being honest.

10. Be honest.

Acceptance of who the other person is 100%. That means loving the amazing things about them and the not so amazing. But more importantly, loving those things about yourself. If you aren’t a whole person when you start something with someone, you’re going to make a mess of things. 

Questions 9: Are Women as big of players as men?

1. Yes….I believe we all have that capability.

2. Yes.

3. Sometimes bigger.

4. Are you fucking kidding me, YES.

5. I don’t think so, but then again it depends on their goal. Some women are just big whores and want to fuck.

6. Yes.

7.  Mentally yes. physically no.

8.  Sometimes. I guess it just depends on each person.

9. No, because men use their penis and not their heads.

10. Without a doubt, yes. We just hide it better.

Women have no issues committing to someone. But when we are being strung along or with a guy that keeps his distance, we’re sure as hell going to leave our options open. No sense putting all our eggs in one basket. Let’s just face the music, we all need to to feel validated and desired by another human being. It’s in our nature. So if we’re not getting that from a particular someone, we’ll seek it out elsewhere. 

Question 10: What drives your need to be married and reproduce?

1. Age with some….but with other dumb bitches a tie to a guy….yes i said it….and if you are mentally balanced then a genuine desire to have a child that is equal parts of both of you.

2. We are made that way. We want to be loved & love back.

3. Personally, being a nurturing person. Having that need and want to take care of someone. The idea of the amount of unconditional love that comes from it all. Having that one person to show all sides to and not having to break down walls from having to start over all the time.

4. What drives my need? Societies up-bringing. Since we were little girls, we were taught we were to be the mommies and boys were supposed to be the daddies. Or maybe it’s just my catholic upbringing.

5. I want to be loved and have a family.

6. I get why marriage doesn’t make sense to a lot of people. We see our parents split up and go into several different marriages. It sort of kills the “get married once/happily ever after idea Disney movies throw in our face. But even though I see that bullshit, I still want to be legally committed to someone, raise a family with them and matter to flesh and blood when I’m laid in the ground. I want to laugh, love, cry, despair and just fucking live with that special someone who’s gonna go all in with me.

7. It’s the need for love, hope and security.

8. Society. It’s how we were raised. There are more married people than people who actually choose to go through life unmarried and without kids. They are like an albino tiger.

9. I don’t want to have kids. Marriage is a crumbled institution.

10. I choose not to have kids because I don’t want any other responsibility of taking care of myself and I enjoy the freedom of coming and going whenever I choose. I don’t want to get married because I enjoy not feeling weak, vulnerable and opening the door to get hurt.

I don’t possess the NEED to get married (again) or have children. I very much WANT to create something with someone that is mine and his. Whether that be another person in baby form or ceremony in front of our closest friends and maybe family, then so be it. For me, when I find that someone that I can take on the world with together, that I know will have my back no matter what and makes me so much fucking better than I ever was by myself, we’re going to do whatever we feel is going to work for US. Not what a priest or our parents, friends or even society tells us is right. We could be the next Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt or Bonnie and Clyde. Who knows.

Question 11: How do you act around other guys when I’m not around?

1. Mostly like I would when you are there….I gotta a guy that is cool like that.

2. The same.

3. Uh? You, Mercedes or you, random guy that I should be considered to be dating? You, Mercedes – Uh, a little more flirtatious.You, random guy etc – Oblivious. When I’m in to a guy, every other guy becomes part of the scenery. (Ha. I’m just going to take this as a compliment. I giggled.)

5. Myself

6. I become one of the boys.

7. Competitive.

8. I don’t act any different.

9. If I’m committed to someone else, everyone in that room knows it. I don’t fuck around with that.

10. Not any different than I would act if I was with you.

When I’m committed, I’m committed. Again, I know exactly how it feels to be that person that your significant other didn’t respect enough to make it known I was his and he was mine. So if I’m flying solo with my girls that night, you can bet your ass I’m going to be a mouthy bitch at ANY attempt to try and hit on me. Unless I need to be a wing-woman, then I’ll be nice and smile. 🙂

Question 12: Why do you not believe precisely what we say? What do we have to do to convince you that what we’re telling you is not “code” for something else?

1. Cause girls can be dumb and want to analyse the shit out of everything…..but not all girls are like that….just most of us…hehehe.

2. I believe what you tell me. Some girls are just scared.

3. Make your actions match your words and above all, BE CONSISTENT.

4. First of all, if you think I’m always thinking that, then that’s a dead give away that you’re hiding something. Second of all, use less words and more actions.

5. Actions speak louder than words. The only time we start calling you out and questioning the words coming out of your mouth is when you give us physical contradictions. We have womanly intuition that will literally blow you to bits.

6. Guys lie.

7. We don’t understand what’s coming out of your mouth, so speak english.

8. Because my father told me not to.

9. Be consistent with actions and words.

10. Sometimes we let our analytical minds get the better of us. But sometimes you guys are just dishonest pricks and give us reason to doubt what you’re saying.

Haaaaaaaaa…Because in the words of one my closest male friends, “MEN ARE DOGS, Mercedes. ALL OF THEM.”

Question 13: Why does the toilet seat have to go down? Why can’t we all agree that the seat and cover are equally important?

1. Well a dude can pee if the seat is down…not ideal but if a girl walks in and sits on the toilet she could and will fall in and if she lives with a guy may also sit on his pee….

2. That onenever really bugged me.

3. I agree.

4. Not a big deal to me.

5. Is that really an issue nowadays?

6. I don’t care if the seat is up, just clean up the mess you made when you were obviously playing “paint by numbers” with your urine.

7. We can agree that the toilet is the toilet. Get everything IN it that needs to be in it.

8. Why the drama?

9. Common courtesy. Same reason you probably would prefer not to have our tampons laying everywhere.

10. Sounds like someones mom harped a bit too much.

Because when I stumble into the bathroom in the middle of the night, or come home drunk and I’m too distracted spouting off about how drunk I am and how amazing karaoke was, I don’t want to fall in. It’s happened before. So just use that strong wrist of yours and in one swift movement it’s down. And then wash your hands.

Question 14: Why do you say you feel fat then proceed to eat 17 kit kats? (I spat water out of my mouth when this one came through via text)

1. I don’t….sometimes u gotta have fat kid days….and just say fuck it.

2. Because we are weird.

3. Stress cravings.

4. Every woman needs to hear the word, “You’re beautiful”. If she says she feels fat, it only means one thing: You’re not making her feel desired.

5. We are allowed to say and eat whatever the fuck we want.

6. Well we have these things called ovaries. And they produce certain chemicals that your bodies don’t. Sometimes that makes us want to raid a 7-11 or down an entire crave case, just because it sounds like a good fucking idea. I don’t question your love of picking your asshole, acting like a fucking idiot when you’re with your friends or eating two bags or doritos. Lay the fuck off me and ask me if I need some milk to go with those kit kats.

7. It’s called being a woman and getting cravings.

8. Ummmm…how old was the douche asking this question?

9. Her willpower sucks. She will try to validate the 3/4 of a sleeve of oreos she just chowed down by saying she’s fat so that in turn she hopes to hear the echo from her significant other, “Oh you’re not fat…”

10. Because sometimes I let my inner Boba Fet take over and I eat those 17 kit kats and my feelings instead of kicking the shit out of your dumb ass.

17 kit kats? Who have you been dating? I’m more of a pizza type of girl. I have one acronym for you. IDGAF. If you want to make my weight or what cravings I choose to give into an issue, you can fucking step. Now, if you want to join in my love for stuffed crust pizza with me and then drag my ass out for a run with promises of play fighting and sex if I go with you, then we’re cool.

Question 15:  If a guy drives a ferrari but loudly farts when introducing himself to you, would you still sleep with him?

1. If he is a douchebag I dont care what he drives….is this guy hot? Did he fart by accident and apologize? or is he a stinky dude that drives a fancy car?

2. He would have to be drop handsome.

3. He would have to be somewhat attractive and hilarious.

4. Fuck no. For one, I don’t give a shit that he drives a Ferrari. Two, if he does something that disgusting, he obviously lacks the ability to act like a respectable male in public. So no I would not sleep with him.

5. Yes and I will pretend that I didn’t smell it or hear it.

6. Yes if no one else heard or smelled it. No one would be there to judge me for it.

7. Most dudes that drive a Ferrari would have more class than to fart in front of anyone, let alone a woman so he probably stole the damn thing.

8. HELL. NO.

9. If you are disgusting enough to do that in front of me when we first meet, there’s no telling what you will do later on down the road.

10. That’s better than getting shit on for sport…

I would never date any one with a Ferrari, bottom line. 

So there you have it. Boys you asked and the girls responded. Hope your questions were answered and you learned a little something. Moral of the story? Let the bitch eat seventeen kit kats if she wants to, make your actions match your words and if you’re lucky enough to have us fall in love with you…well you just might get some back door action. Oh, and just wrap your arms around us when we’re having a “fluffy” week and tell us how fucking incredible we look. 🙂

Stay tuned for the next round.

Call it battle of the sexes or things that get lost in Translation when talking about men v. women. Call it whatever you want, but I know one thing, the differences between men and women and what we don’ t know about each other definitely are not because “Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars.”

Nope. It’s solely because Men have penises and Women lack an extra appendage we can swing around and run into walls if we so choose, (Which is something I’ve been saying for years that I would do if I ever had one) thereby resulting in us not getting school-kid distracted and being able to focus on the task at hand.

In all seriousness though, we are two completely different species hands down. I have interview questions and answers to prove it. If you could only see some of the factual data I’ve gathered. I may have to give this whole relationship and Men v. Women research project up for Lent. Jesus is starting to get jealous.

Let’s focus on my sex for this one. I asked several men to give me some questions they’ve always wanted to ask. Not surprisingly, it either took way too long for them to come  up with anything halfway decent or they said one too many “lols” and  I got aggravated. SORRY. Pet peeve of mine. In the words of one of my homies, “Sucks ta suck.”

Fortunately though, I had a few good sports dedicated to my cause. So, I asked a group of women to anonymously answer the following questions; Boys, pay attention.

Question 1: What’s your age?

1. 26

2. 40

3. 27

4. 32

5. 28

6. 37

7. 21

8. 26

9. 29

10. 30

I figured this would be a pretty good base. From the research I’ve discovered that answers vary in great detail depending on age groups of 20, 30 and 40 and as you can see there’s a pretty good range of numbers. The answers are pretty intriguing. 😉

Question 2: How many people have you slept with?

1. 5

2. Ummmmm…A few.

3. 9

4. 22

5. 13

6. Quit counting at 40

7. 13

8. 10

9. 15

10. 43

Question 3: Number of times you masturbate per week?

1. Not regularly

2. 0-1

3. 2

4. Maybe once

5. 3

6. 15-20

7. 4

8. 3-4

9. 1

10. 5

Question 4:  Name something you do in the bathroom that the opposite sex would be shocked to know?

1. Masturbate

2. Pee in the shower

3. Examine my cooter

4. Shave my mustache

5. Blow another person out of my nose. Allergies suck.

6. Dye my eyebrows

7. Fart

8. I put on my makeup, text, check FB, etc. on the toilet

9. Pluck errant nipple hairs

10. Pee in the shower

Any of you shocked? We’re human too.

Question 5: Have you ever experimented SEXUALLY with the same sex, how many times and if not, would you consider?

1. Yes. Once.

2. Yes. 4.

3. No. I think women are beautiful and I am definitely an admirer but not sexually interested.

4. Yes. A couple of times.

5. Yes. More than fifteen times.

6. I kissed a girl and I liked it.

7. I have not, but considered.

8. Yes. Several times. Then I switched teams because it was so good. Boys, be intimidated.

9. Yes. 3 times.

10. Yes. 7 or so times.

Now comes the time where I need to reiterate the fact that this survey was completely anonymous and I have no clue who took this. NO, I don’t have names and numbers and even if I did, that’s girl code, bro.

Questions 6: What factors determine how long you wait to sleep with someone, and by which date does it usually happen on?

1. Never on the first date if there’s potential to date. But based off chemistry, it could be the next night.

2. My attitude and booze.

3. No factors really. If I like them I will sleep with them. Depends on how I feel.

4. Depends on chemistry. In my experience it’s happened on the 2nd or 3rd date. Oops :/

5. Depends on the person. 1-3 dates, maybe 4.

6. Just depends on if I’m attracted to them. Ist date plenty of times.

7. It depends on emotional connections. Sometimes it’s immediate and other times it takes longer.

8. Depends on the person and connection. On average, if things are going well, 3rd or 4th date. I have no fucking clue how to even date though because I’ve had like 6 months here and there in the past decade to dabble.

9. Always waited (except one) because I wanted the relationship to be more than sex.

10. Just depends.

As you can see, it just depends on how cool of a dude you are and if you haven’t completely bombed. It ain’t all about morals. 🙂

Question 7: What one thing do you wish men would just get about women?

1. That women can say one thing and within a matter of seconds COMPLETELY change their mind.

2. Women cry a lot. For no reason. Get over it.

3. Stop asking what’s wrong after I say nothing is wrong.

4. We wanna feel special, like we are the one person in the universe that do something that no other can for that person. That when our tits are down to our knees and our ass has actually become concave we still need to feel beautiful–even if you have to lie. because your balls will be scraping the ground as well.

5. Everything. 🙂

6. We change our minds a lot.

7. Maybe we just want to have sex too.

8. Freaking focus more on the foreplay! We love foreplay!

9. We have lots of feelings…get over it.

10. Sometimes we just want to have sex with you and not do it again.

We’re chicks. Sooooo different from you. So get the hell over it, more foreplay, less whining and criticizing us about our “feelings” and just let us act like Women.

Question 8: You know you do gross shit from time to time. Name some of them. (Warning: Boys you still take the cake on being disgusting creatures but you may ruin whatever perfect image of women you have if you read the answers to these questions)

1. Fart and fart loud and long. Shave my ass. Check out my vagina in the mirror. Look at my asshole in the mirror. Shave my ass crack. Eat food that’s been left out for days. (Dude, sounds like some of my exes. High five on the honesty!)

2. Pick my nose, scratch my ass crack, look at my poop.

3. Pick boogers and every god damn thing thats pickable on my skin. Smell my fingers when they’ve been places.

4. Fart, but really stinky ones. Good thing they are silent and i have a dog.

5. Pick my nose?

6. Fart, pick my nose, pee in the shower.

7. Reach up inside during a shower to feel like I really got it clean. (You realize I’m probably going to get messages asking me who you are so they can get a demonstration, right?)

8. Um, see my answer about the shower. Plus throw in some wedgie picking and sit pooping (You know, as opposed to standing) in addition to regular bodily functions and I’m a dude.

9. Fart & burp. Chew my nails.

10. Pluck my nose hairs with tweezers

This may have been my favorite set of answers. I can totally picture some of you boys making gagging sounds and turning your heads in shame…and then yelling at your buddy to “come see this shit”. For those of you boys that wanted the answer to these questions, well here you go. Get over it.

Question 9: What is something that a guy has done in the sack that has totally turned you off? What about on?

1. Make lame jokes! That’s not the time to be funny! That or rub what they think is the clit…and it’s totally not the clit. Or they try to rub the clit real fast…and it’s totally not the clit or just isn’t awesome. As for on, spooning/pushing their hard on onto me, sometimes with that grabbing my hip and or shoulder. Looooove that.

2. Off- growled at me. On – a little bit of a choke.

3. Off: Not being 50/50. Licking only my vagina like a retarded tween that just discovered genitals and ignoring my clit. Realizing that you are actually all the sudden playin a stand-in role in their fav porno scene in their mind and you are totally disconnected from them mentally. Feeling like it’s all a means to an end in their head and getting off is the only thing that matters so lets cut to the chase and forget all the fun stuff–anticipation, lust, passion. ON: Passion. Energy. Awareness. Consideration. Fun. Spontaneity. Fun. Humor. Confidence. Fun. Freshly showered skin. Fun. Knowing when to be tender and when to be rough and balancing those. and Fun.

4. Licked me like a dog laps water….get out…I’m out.

5. Talked too much! “oh yeah, oh yeah! Feels so good! Yeah!” Shut up already!

6. Off- Made it all about him and didn’t seem to be interested in what could be turning me on. On- Asking what he could do to make sure it was just enjoyable for me and most definitely doing his homework to try new things!

7. Turn off – slobber, lick in my ear. Turn on – touch me on the outside of my clothes on my nipples.

8. Chewed gum like it was a tough piece of steak, almost every time.

9. Not taking his time or finishing before me. Lots of things turn me on.. When a guy takes his time, talks dirty, gets excited fast, wants to explore new things.

10. On – Told me to cum on on his cock.

Feel free to take notes boys. These ladies aren’t messing around. We know what we want, how we like it and how you could stand to do some research of your own. I also have a strange sense that your significant others are going to want to send me an edible arrangement for this. You’re welcome.

Question 10: What is the craziest thing you’ve done sexually?

1. Off the top of my head – A Foursome.

2. Orgies.

3. Well shit, I like to think I’m this crazy sexual being but I guess I don’t have that many even halfway crazy stories compared to the pornos I watch. I guess just my standard threesome?

4. Threesome and ass to mouth.

5. Anal.

6. We will make this easy. I don’t feel like typing it all out. Anal will be the winner.

7. I’ve had sex outside next to a busy highway at night during a blackout in a strangers yard.

8. Two different guys in one night.

9. Anal while being tied up.

10. Sex while driving.

Happy Holidays, Fuckers. I hope you thoroughly enjoyed the scene that I just set for your next whack off session. Use cocoa butter, I heard it’s the best. 😉

Getting my mind right

I walked into the bar with a mission, a notebook and a black sweater on. What follows that statement is verbatim, all true and is hours of research, laughs and the realization that maybe we’re all a little fucked up, jaded and clueless when it comes to relationships. Side note* This will be a series of blog posts called It’s Just Girl Talk v. It’s Just Locker Room Talk (Blog Version of my article).

It was a Thursday night at a local bar in my neighborhood. The football game was about to start and the environment was ripe with what I needed to get this little research stint off the ground. I sat down at the bar. The guy to my right was getting after a chicken quesadilla like it was going to be his last meal for 3 days. Two chairs down from me sat two dudes completely engrossed in conversation and their miller lights. The bartender set a napkin in front of me and asked me what I wanted to drink.

“Draft Blue Moon and a shot of Patron…chilled”.

The guy to my right kind of perked up. A chick with a pen and paper and ordering shots of tequila can’t be up to anything good. Or anything that has to do with football.

Enter scene: Drinks. I took a deep breath, went to my happy place and threw back the tequila. After the full body shake wore off and I successfully mind fucked myself by saying “that tasted splendid”, I picked up my citrusy beer and took a huge sip.

Enter dialogue of dude to the right.

“Soooo…what’s with the notepad? I don’t think you’re here to watch the Dolphins OR the Bills.” He said with curiosity.

I giggled and said, “Yeah, you’re right about that. I know I look like a die-hard Dolphins fan but I could care less about football. I’m actually writing an article, so I’m here doing research. You wanna answer some questions?”

“Ooooooh god.” Moaned the one on the left closest to me. “How much more do I need to drink to do this?”

I laughed and said, “There’s zero pressure. I’ll be asking you relationship questions and opinions on women. You don’t have to answer or elaborate on anything you don’t want to. Deal?”

He reached for his beer, took a drink and said, “Fuck it, why not. I’m down.” His friend looked a little squeamish and said, “I’ll let him answer the questions, I don’t think I even want to go there.”

That was fine by me. I only needed one opinion on the questions at this point in my research, so he could continue to be a baby about it all he wanted. Plus, I secretly knew deep down he wouldn’t be able to resist jumping in on some of these questions. At some point, everyone wants their opinion heard about something. Add alcohol to a female/male conversation and not many people stand sideline muted and non-verbal for long.

Through my initial questions, I learned that this guy was Russian (explained the accent), 33 and a Libra. Seeing as he lost his virginity his freshman year of college, he had a relatively low number of sexual partners for a guy: 12. According to him most men need to orgasm once a day.

As he explained, “It’s like your keys. You don’t leave the house without them. And I can’t do shit very well if I haven’t gotten off, like drive. That’s why I need the keys.”

Ok, I guess if I had a penis I would get that correlation. His friend chimed in and rolled his eyes at the response and said, it’s more like 3 times a week. The Russian cut him off and said, “That’s coming from the guy who’s only slept with 3 people in his life.”

I said, “Oh yeah? Why the low number?”

The guy kinda lowered his head and said he didn’t have sex until his senior year of college. I was shocked. His friend started to razz him and you could totally tell they had been BFFs for while. I giggled and then moved on with the questions.

Though, I think he was a little jaded from being in prior bad relationships and just knocking up his girlfriend, he actually had some pretty good points.

“What do you think the best part about a new relationship is?” Russian dude took a deep breath, leaned back on his bar stool and said with a serious look and shake of his head, “I think being single gives you energy. I mean you can work all day, go home and get  ready for a date, stay out all night, fuck all morning and then be  fine until things start to get serious. Being in a relationship sucks all of the energy out of you and that fucking sucks.”

His friend raised his beer and they toasted. He went on further, “Relationships are just like a job sometimes. You have to bite your tongue. Even though I really want to go tell my boss to fuck off almost every other day, I would get fired if I did. If I told the same thing to my girlfriend when she was annoying the shit out of me, I would no longer have a girlfriend. For me, having a girlfriend outweighs being single any day”. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t have to do much prying on this one. I think maybe he needed to get some things off his chest.

They both had never experimented sexually with the same-sex and would never consider it. I got the look of a crazy woman when those questioned were asked. Ha. Typical response. So I said, “If it’s completely grotesque for two dudes to be together, why is it earth shattering when two women are?”

He gave me a serious side glance and said, “I don’t stare at myself and rub my body down because I have tits that I HAVE to touch. I also don’t look at another dude and want to do the very same thing. It’s just not ok. I don’t care if it’s a double standard or not. Two chicks being anywhere near each others mouths or any other body part is ingrained into our brains to be something we really wanna see.” I was furiously writing as he was talking.

“Ok, well since we’re on the subject, would you say that’s your top fantasy?” Russian Dude: “Two chicks kissing with my dick in between is good enough for me. The rest is just wasting time.”

I was giggling at this point. I’m just assuming that this is how guys all talk to each other, awesome. I looked at his friend and said, “What about you? What’s your #1 fantasy?”  He puffed up a little and smiled, “French Maid outfit for sure” his friend chimed in, “This is coming from the guy who’s only slept with 3 people”.

“Alright, what percentage of men do you say cheat?” He took a swig of his beer and said, “I would say 80 percent of men cheat. Some of us learn our lessons and really do stay faithful when we meet the one, but sadly most of us don’t”.

I looked at his friend, “Are you in agreement?” He sheepishly looked at his friend, then me and said, “I think it’s more like 50%.”

The Russian went on to say, “Nothing good happens after midnight. I don’t care how strong you think your self-control is. If there’s alcohol involved and a wiling vagina, you’re gonna do it. If you don’t want to cheat, don’t put yourself in that situation.”

“So that’s why you’re at a bar on a Thursday night downing beers and talking to me?”

He gave me a look of displeasure and said, “You look like a journalist in Afghanistan. You need to show cleavage if you want to attract a dude. You walk in here in your glasses, that black sweater and a notebook. I took one look at you and didn’t want to fuck you. Maybe play hangman with you, but not fuck you.”

I laughed and said, “How nice of you. What if my class is half my charm?” “Well I guess I’m not into the classy chicks. But I do like the glasses.”

“Ok…moving on”.

“Can men and  women just be friends?” With an honest answer he said, “If there’s no sexual intent then I’m not really interested in being friends. I have a girlfriend to meet all my needs. At some point someone is going to get jealous and I don’t think it’s worth having a friendship with another chick unless everyone is hanging out together.”

“How long do you think it takes to really get to know someone before you make a decision that it’s it for you and you wanna put a ring on it or break up?”

Russian Dude: “Most girls are fake until a year and then they are just crazy. If you don’t like sports, don’t say you like sports because you want to impress me. Just be upfront and honest and find your own things to be passionate about. You really think that I’m gonna get all warm and fuzzy inside and want to cuddle you when the game is on because I’m so happy you like the same things I do. NO bitch, I’m gonna watch the game. The more you are yourself in a relationship, the less time I have to spend finding out the real you. The earlier you show me what I’m gonna be dealing with, the sooner I give you my last name. I just have to see if your craziness is worth the investment I’m going to make.”

“What do you do when you really like a girl, maybe even lover her?”

Russian Dude’s friend chimed in first, “Stop cheating on her.”

Then Russian Dude said, “Buy them shit. Go out of my way to do something for her, like putting away the dishes because I know she appreciates it. Or buy her a car. Yeah, I just bought my girlfriend a car. She’s having my kid for Christ’s sake, I figured it was the right move.”

“At what point do men decide they want to date you?”

Russian Dude: “Men decide within 5 seconds of meeting you if we want to take you on a date. it’s based 100% on looks. If you are not awesome to look at, why in the hell would we waste money to pretend to like talking to you?”

“What date do you usually sleep with a girl”

Russian Dude: “Is there alcohol involved? 1st date. No drinking involved? Wait until alcohol is involved. We’re just as self-conscious and awkward as you. We need the alcohol to feel like superman and lure you in with our capes.”

“What thing do you wish women would just get about men?”

Russian Dude:  “Sometimes we want to just be left alone. You chicks analyze too god damn much. Your conversations have no substance. If the only thing you can talk to me about is some other girl that you are best friends with one minute and then the next you are talking back stabbing trash talk then just shut the fuck up. Seriously, there are better things to talk about and most of the time I want to shove my head into a blender when you open your mouth. I’d rather talk to my friends. Which is exactly why I’m here at a bar on Thursday night with my friend watching football and drinking beer, four eyes.”

“Fair enough” I said.

“Do you think your zodiac sign correlates with your personality and what percentage do you think it does?” Russian Dude: “50%”

“Turn offs/ons during sex?”

Russian Dude: A girl farted on me. Gross. I didn’t call her ever again. Then this one girl literally tickled my balls and then swallowed. She’s now having my baby.”

The more this guy drank the better answers I was getting. LOVE.

“Are politics a deal breaker in a relationship?”

Russian Dude: “No, because I’ll just prove them wrong. I think having differing opinions on important stuff actually makes the relationship stronger. It gives us an opportunity to see if you will stick up for yourself and not always agree with me. Plus if we get into an argument and start being assholes to each other, there’s make up sex to follow shortly after”.

“What things do you hate about girls that you are too scared to tell them? ”

Russian Dude: “How they are period. I have no good answer for this. My girlfriend drives me fucking crazy. I’ve been with her for 3 years and love her but fuck sometimes I would like to throw myself in front of a moving car. But that’s the thing about relationships. They drive you crazy, you spend all your money, but somehow they make you better. That person makes you better and you’re just better together.”

I giggled and said “Damn, you’re kind of sensitive bitch.”

“Take your sweater off…”

I rolled my eyes, “Oh my GOD, we’re moving on.”

“How much time do you spend in front of the mirror getting ready?

Russian Dude: “20 minutes, but what kind of fucking question is that?” “Shut up, I’m interviewing you, not the other way around.”

“What’s the scariest thing about relationships”

Russian Dude: “That one of us isn’t going to want to get married or the other person wants to and I don’t.”

“Craziest thing you’ve done sexually”

Russian Dude: “Sex in the ocean, I got stung by a jellyfish. I don’t really do adventurous stuff anymore because of that.”

“Percentage of sexual compatibility/chemistry do you think is significant in a relationship”

Russian Dude: ” 100% . If we don’t have great sex, it’s not worth it. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life fucking someone who doesn’t do it for me.”

I was starting to get stupid tired and didn’t want to start being a crap interviewer so I looked down at my watch, yawned and said, “Well boys, I really appreciate the time you invested in this and I think I’ve got some good insight. Good luck with being a dad and get home before midnight.” We shook hands, said our goodbyes and I was on my way home by 9:30. 2 hours of research down. So far I’ve learned that men generally think along the same lines. Some are more vulgar and forthcoming with their answers but it’s pretty much the same message and when I get that thesis statement perfected, I”ll share. 🙂