For this damn sinus infection. You know what it’s forcing me to do?
Today as I walking back to what we call the Raquet Center here at the resort, the thought occured to me. Aside from the 1300 ish words I managed to draft on my flight from Houston to Honolulu and the few sentences describing my roommates, I hadn’t made any time to write this entire week. From training, to getting acquainted with my surroundings and trying to shake the jet lag, I was getting really depressed, anxious and all over pissy with the day in general. Add the fact that my body is fighting off some form of virus and I kind of just wanted to shed one tear and then throw a tempter tantrum.
But then I played racquet ball for 30 minutes and sweated my balls off. I followed that up with a 1.5 hour riveting game of “Wallyball” and I kind of felt like a new woman. However, once the nonstop moving around died down and the day finished with an hour of monotonous training, I felt like a bag of shit skittles all over again.
I walked as fast as I could back to my room, drew a hot bath and proceeded to put tea tree and lavender oil in the water. I made a hot compress for my face, put a couple drops of lavender on it and sat my ass down.
The haze began to lift. I stared up at the ceiling, noting how filthy the air vent above was and figured that’s where all the spiders gather to have a team building session about how they are going to torture me for 8 months. Then my eyes wandered over to the cracked grout lines, the lack of shower curtain and just the overall “vintage” look of my bathroom. That’s when the heaviness of my chest broke loose and trickled in to the water.
Aloud I said, “Fuck Universe, thank you.” This annoying sinus infection forced me to self-soothe and calm the fuck down and realize the moment I’m in. To feel the peace and calm from the oils floating in the water and the security and freedom that exist between the 4 walls surrounding me.
Mercedes, you’re in Guam. Scratch that. You’re in that “Foreign place, waking up to a reality you know nothing about.” That you achingly confessed to a friend less than a year ago you so desperately wanted to feel. You are right where you need to be. And no one else has to believe that but you.
I may not be saving orphans in a third world country right now, though it’s on the bucket list, but I am here, right this moment. So grateful for every choice I’ve made that has led me to this place. For the man I love being as un-selfish as a person can be and never asking me to stay. For my roommate before she knew who I was, when waiting at the gate in Honolulu asking me if she should call her ex boyfriend and being able to give relationship advice and foster a new human connection. For my teary eyed father, step-mother and grandmother sending me off and telling me how incredibly proud of me they were. For my hip thrust being a hit in Guam and somehow being the “mother figure” to my little clubmate family. For my best friend for making me feel missed and important. For Scottsdale for being just interesting enough to stay friends with which led to my job on Guam.
And for the courage I somehow found, to do exactly what I’ve always wanted to. Leaving behind love that I’ve been waiting my entire life to experience has not been ANY sort of cake walk, but I’ve realized by doing so; I’ve unconditionally began to love myself first and fulfill my heart’s desires. And until this moment, I don’t think I really knew what that even meant.
It’s hard as FUCK being away from my support circle, the smell of my pillow and the ability to just order a Margherita pizza from Epic when I need a little comfort. But, I will tell you one thing…when you no longer possess the convenience, you realize how much you took for granted.
Funny how things can shift in just one week…