and this is what happened…

Monthly Archives: October 2013

What do you do when you’re 7,500 miles away from home and someone drives your car drunk and then crashes it, runs from the scene of the accident and then it gets towed and will stay at the tow yard because the plates expired at the end of September and you were on a plane to Guam September 17, not to mention you cancelled the insurance on a car that you wouldn’t even be driving anymore and now you have numerous tickets in your name and a really shitty mess to try and clean up?

Freak out? No, you’re 7,500 miles away. How about cry? Absolutely not. Well, Mercedes you could ask “Why Me!?” because it’s always something with that damn car. Nope. No need to add even more negativity to the situation.

Ok. So what DO you do? You say a lot of curse words, think about threatening the life of the asshole who lacks responsibility and the respect to call you himself to say, “Sorry, I got wasted and wrecked your car”, Lawyer up and think about what the situation is teaching you. But, you breathe first and think to yourself…”Gee, Saturn Return, you’re really getting those gears nice and lubricated, huh?”

Possible learned lessons:

1. Some people do really fucking idiotic things because they are really fucking idiotic people. Every single one of us probably has a shame story…about ourselves. So how do we go on trusting people when stuff like this happens? Actions. If a person does everything they can to remedy the situation, like apologize first and foremost and then do everything they possibly can to make it right…well, they’ve got a backbone. And at the point, in time, you will realize that everyone makes mistakes. You will eventually forgive them, it will be water under the bridge and everyone can mark another box off on the checklist of life lessons.

But what if the reverse happens? What if the person is an asshole and avoids the situation, creating a whole nother set of problems for everyone involved? Shin kicks? Throat chops? Facebook blasts? The ego would love nothing more…However, you realize to take people for what they are, and then you just fucking let it go. No amount of bitching or yelling or being so incredibly upset is going to change the facts.

Yep…here I sit wondering how to process the fact that I have to deal with this situation from Guam and the person who caused all of the trouble is no where to be found.

Fighting with the unknown is like trying to substitute rum for vodka in a mojito…it just doesn’t work.

So, this situation is going to play out however it’s going to play out. I can’t force anyone to behave differently than they have. I can’t try and control a situation that I literally have none over. And at this point, I believe so deeply in karma and things working out precisely in a manner that teaches profound lessons that I will take the advice of my teacher when I asked, “I guess I wanna know where I go from here. What now?”

“Mercedes, does it really even matter?”


First night on the island

I don’t even know where to begin. Are the flights down there really that important in comparison to the first night here? Naaaaaah.

As we landed in Guam I was still trying to pry myself out of a hangover. A non-sleep hangover. I had literally gotten about 4 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours and was wondering how in the hell I was even going to be able to walk off the plane without falling down.

I feel like I should be taking advantage of all this free time. I’m 4 hours into an 8 hour flight. I have another 12 hour one after this.

I had a fucked up dream, I feel like maybe I should write about it, but then half of me thinks that I should write about all the many moments today that have already made me pinch myself.

I’m on a fucking plane, moving to a fucking island. I quit my fucking job, fit my fucking life into a fucking suitcase and I’m doin it man. I’m going after a dream. My book is there in the sand…those words spilled out of my mouth twice last week and when they did,  a rush of chill bumps took  over the skin on my body.

Thinking back on all the little things that brought me here is actually difficult to comprehend…as dramatic as it sounds, it all comes down to being thankful that I was born. Seriously, when I tie everything together, it all rests on me taking my first breath.

Yeah, that’s how important this is to me. It’s so crazy to think that if my life hadn’t started out with the biggest loss a little girl could experience, I probably wouldn’t have cultivated the courage and confidence in myself to actually do what I’m on my way to do.

So….thanks mom?

A lot of synchronicities happened today. First, I’m absolutely in love with the new Jason Mraz remix of I’m yours. I only heard it once in like a week. I told Steve that it made me think of him and our relationship…when we got in the car to go to the airport that song came on. Every ounce of anxiety and sadness I had about leaving went away when that melody started.

Then as I was waiting for Starbucks to open in the St. Louis airport, a song started playing that I sort have dubbed me and Steve’s song. Another rush of calm, but also crazy excitement when I heard the lyrics, “there’s no doubt in my mind you’re right where you belong”.

And then, when I landed in Houston, I went to the next gate, sat down, felt restless and boring energy so I went and bought a neck pillow and walked back. Some dude stole my seat. So, I walked over and set up shop on the wall. This really pretty lady in her 60s with curly hair came and stood next to me. We got to talking and the first thing she says is, “What are your thoughts on internet dating”. My chest filled up. I said, “I’m a writer. An online dating experiment is actually what birthed my blog into existence and is now what’s sending me to Guam to write my book.” That may not make sense to anyone else, but the universe is leaving me sublte cookie crumbs to let me know I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.

I can’t help but wonder what it’s going to feel like stepping off the plane in Guam. What will it smell like? What is it going to feel like to see the ocean meet the shore where I’m going to live for 8 months? I know how it’s felt seeing the ocean every time I’ve went on vacation and I’ve cried every time. This is huge.

And then I think about what I left behind…but somehow, that’s the thing I have the most peace about. I know that I left a family that I created. My best friend, her wife, and the love of my life, Steve. They are all rooting for me and so proud of me that it’s difficult not to bust into Guam with guns blazing. They believe in me, they want me to discover a part of myself that I never could at home….Seriously, I am soooooo blessed.

I wanted to write something inspiring, tell a story. Put a bunch of words together to make another epic blog post when I land in Honolulu…because everyone is waiting for it and I haven’t posted in almost 3 weeks. But, somehow, I can’t bring myself to do that til I get to Guam. And I think that’s ok.  I think what ends up on that next post is going to take everything in a new direction. Me writing about the present as it’s happening…it’s a far cry from the past laden posts I usually write about.

I’m so excited. A little freaked out because I haven’t started my period yet and I hope to god I’m not pregnant. Wouldn’t that make for a nice plot twist…good fucking lord. Only me. Steve, I hope by the time I post this on the blog that we’re not baking our love child…even though it would make for a not-surprising kick-off to my Saturn Return. :/

I just woke up on the plane. I thought I was asleep for at least 4 hours. Nope. I’m only 4 fucking hours into this flight and I feel like I’ve been on it for 10. This is ridiculous. I still have another 10 or 12 hour one to go Yeah, my itinerary doesn’t show how long the flight to Guam is from Honolulu, so I’m just guessing. Either way, I’m not a happy bunny about it. PS when I travel overseas again, I’m doing first class. Do you know how hard it is to get comfortable on a not so short duration flight!? Thank god I invested 12.99 on that neck pillow, if not for that, I’d be miserable.

Thank god my best friend gave me her quilt as a going away present,  I would have frozen my ass of in this plane. Why is it so damn cold?

Of course I get stuck next to a woman who has never flown and freaks out at every bout of turbulence or weird sound. And it just happens the one sitting next to her is a devout bible thumper like her and neither one has shut up since we took off. I’ve got to listen how god had a hand in getting a daughter fired from a job so she wouldn’t go live with a friend and party at bars. I’ve got to listen to how they both don’t drink and don’t agree with ingesting anything that impairs your judgment…which made me giggle as I was literally chugging my cranberry and vodka. I was wondering if one of them was going to comment on my astrology book I was balls deep in seeing as though they were exchanging Max Lucado book notes and thumbing thought their notepad showing each other’s favorite bible verses. Another synchronicity, me thinks. Respect. Okay, okay Universe. I may not agree with their religion, but to each his fucking own right?

I feel like maybe I should listen in on the conversation though, because they are talking about asking God for things. I really wanna know how they feel about the personal power they possess to make things happen in their life. I want to know how much faith they literally have. Is it the give god all the cards and just see what the fucks happens kind of faith? Or is something else.

Ugh. Now I feel bad for calling them bible thumpers. Now they’re talking about how sometimes you meet people in life and you instantly click and they become an instant close person in your life. They obviously feel that way about each other. They have exchanged phone numbers, email addresses, physical addresses, shown each other pictures of their gardens and kids and the one lady going to the Phillipines has agreed to call the other one when she lands.

Yeah,  I can attest to that. That bond that you foster with someone right away. It happened with My bff. It happened with Steve.

I think if I were to take a poll, people would say that they hate yellow sour patch kids the most. I’m eating them right now and seriously, the yellow ones are so freaking disgusting.

I’m really excited to meet Kaitlyn and Harlan. They are the two clubmates that will be on the Honolulu flight.  They are pretty much going to be a fill in family for me for the next 8 months…I hope they are nice. AND by nice I mean NON-DOUCHEY. I hope they are easy to talk to. I hope they want to drink on the flight down and that we can sit next to each other.  I’m sooooo ready to met new people, to form some more friendships. I think it’s going to be such an amazing experience. And we already all have something in common, completely leaving lives we once knew to move to an island with a bunch of people doing the same thing. I mean, how fucking cool is that. Every time I think about it, it just makes me smile. But I’d be way happier if I was more tan. I’m not looking forward to that first tropical sunburn. But, in about a week I will be extremely sunkissed and feelin’ o.k. about prancing around in a bikini.

I’m annoyed at how “diary-ish” this is sounding.

Someone farted.


Disclaimer: There will be no spiritually profound realization at the end of this blog post.

Hell to the NO. Actually it’s probably going to be a massive grouping of word vomit telling everyone how much of a shit sandwich my life is right now.

Twice now in my life, I’ve had a particular phrase spoken to me. The first time, “Now that I know you’re not perfect, I think I love you even more”. The second, “It actually makes me feel better knowing that even YOU have bad days.” Both times it was a defining moment. What exactly was defined? Oh you know, that sometimes you just have to cut the bullshit and embrace being a human being.

Anyone that knows me, knows that I am far from perfect. I’ve got my insecurities, faults and stupid life shit just like everyone else. HOWEVER, I am a spirit junkie and most times resort to saying things like, “Oh Universe, you’re teaching me a lesson. There is something very profound and under the surface at work, I’m just going to close my little eyes, breathe in deeply and let all this dark energy go.” When all I really feel like doing is ripping my clothes off hulk style while simultaneously crying and eating a caramel apple with M&Ms all over it.

Sometimes my search for my inner truth and being one with Universe causes me to completely ignore very basic principles.  Things suck massive testicles sometimes. LIKE….

1. LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS. Romantic AND Platonic. I fucking miss my boyfriend. I hate not being able to dramatically storm out of the room to make a point when we’re fighting about something. Even though the only reason were arguing in the first place is because it is physically painful to be away from each other. I fucking miss my friends. I even fucking miss my dad’s 6:00 a.m. phone calls that I used to ignore because I’m still sleeping but he still calls because he knows it will wake me up regardless and he really enjoys “grinding my gears”. I’m fucking pissed off that I’ve tried calling multiple people and have yet to get a message saying, “Saw you called, when would be a good time to call you back.” I hate the fact that I have even gotten to the point of having to admit that. People I love, I realize ya’ll have lives but fuck. I now live 7,500 miles away from you, I will not be seeing you next week at volleyball or out in Soulard or at the next holiday or birthday party…THIS IS MY OUTREACHED WAVING ARM TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION. I’M STILL ALIVE AND WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TALK TO YOU. I know I left to fulfill dreams and do adventure-type shit but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss home like a late period. Does that even make sense? Oh well, what I’m trying to say is, it really sucks staring at your lives via Facebook. So yeah…I’m just really incredibly lonely. Need mah frenz. Because some days you get a massive chocolate craving so you go to the store and buy a little chocolate cake in a plastic wrapper, unwrap it, go to take a huge bite only to find mold all over it and you just want to tell one of your friends because your entire week has been a bag of assholes and  that moldy piece of cake was the last straw and now you’re crying and wondering what the fuck you’re even doing in Guam and you just REALLY NEED A FRIEND TO CYBER DRINK WITH YOU  and make you forget about that shitty piece of cake. Because you just want to stop feeling so lonely and so god damn sorry for yourself.

2. I hate the fact that since I’ve been here I’ve been experiencing the WORST writer’s block to date. Why? I have no fucking idea why. I’m a writer…that’s what I do. But for whatever reason, I can finish about 400 words of something and then the motors shut down. Yeah, that’s really awesome considering I’m here to be filling the blog with epic shit AND writing a book. Since I’ve been here, I’ve been punched in the face by a korean baby with one gold tooth, had “Chomorro Punch” thrown in my eye from some Japanese punk 12-year-old, given myself a lifetime full of scars, have discovered I’m afraid of the really big fucking Unicorn fish we have in the swim-through aquarium and have only actually written a whole lot of nothing. If I wanted to write a story about a chick who moves to Guam and ends up writing the book, “The Real World: Guam” I would have already done it by now….where the fuck is my inspiration Universe!?

3. I hate that the food is making me ill. My system literally cannot handle all the damn msg and whatever other GMO parasites are now   dancing around in my intestinal wall. A person can only eat so many deep-fried spring rolls before the body says, “Go home, you’re drunk.”

4. I despise the fact there’s no familiar smell when I walk into my room at night…ok, scratch that. The smell of chlorine and a hint of lingering febreeze to mask the musky pool smell cannot replace the calming and joyous scent of my home base.

5. I forgot my heating pad and icy hot. The two things that equate to my endometriosis as a thumb equates to an infant. Hormonal rages are even worse when you have nothing in your vicinity that makes it just a little more bearable.

6. There is something so incredibly wrong with how many batteries I’ve used in 3 weeks.

I could list about 11 more reasons why today is the worst day I’ve had since I landed on this island. I could flip the switch and tell you that something small made me realize all the gloriousness and unicorn farts that I’m basking in being here and how I’m thankful every moment of the day. But I’m not. I’m just going to take the advice of my boyfriend, “Just go fucking write a blog post about how we’ve been arguing for 2 weeks” and my roommate “Leave the bullshit out. Write exactly how you feel.”

So in closing, this is how I feel. Sometimes you just need to fucking cry, or be mad, or be jilted, or just have a bad fucking day because…yeah, just because. Sometimes life is not trying to tell you something earth-shattering. Sometimes it’s just reminding you how human you really are and it’s totally ok to lose your shit over not having hot water and then flinging your towel draped self onto your bed and screaming “whhhhyyyy me!?”.