I read a pretty incredible article written by David Wong of Cracked.com. Peppered with “in your face, get off your ass and do something” meat and bones, it seriously made me want to do all the things I could ever do in life and then some. Titled “6 Harsh Truths that Will make you a better person”, it resonated so deep with me, that I actually read it once a week for that week starting zinger to remind me to be awesome, but to do shit because I won’t be awesome if I’m not doing shit. Read it here.
In a nutsack, the world wants something from me. So, what do I have to offer this spinning ball of star dust and rocks? Well, I have fucking awesome hair. No doubt because of the kick-ass hair genes my Grandmother and Father passed down to me…thanks guys. But the world gets nothing from my “do” other than a bunch of selfies on instagram.
“Sorry Mercedes, your vanity can provide me nothing cool, so think of something else.”
Ok World, how about my hugs?! Everyone loves hugs!
“Mercedes, are you forgetting that you have this little personal space bubble you don’t like a whole lot of people entering? Though you go all hug-a-riff-ic whilst drinking, I don’t really see a need for a drunken molester running around my hood. People will start thinking that “Hide yo kids, hide yo wife” bit is about you. Next. ”
FINE! I do this one thing that I think is pretty bad ass. Most of the time it causes me to shoulder shuffle in pride. It also makes other people either laugh, raise an eyebrow or say “that was a complete waste of time” (I’m only assuming the latter because I ain’t no wizard). So World, you think my ability to type out a bunch of words filled with wit, cursing and thoughts from my mind could be of use to you?
“Fuck yes, Mercedes. I wasn’t going to tell you myself, because I knew eventually you’d figure it out on your own.”
Cue shoulder shuffle. Well, if I’ve learned one thing other than I get off on writing and that it’s pretty much my giving back to the world “thang”, I also need to do it well. Like really well. The only way I can keep getting better is by learning, honing the skill and incorporating ya’lls shit.
So, yeah, I want something from you. Yes you, the one reading this right now, thinking in your head, “Is this broad crazy? What is she trying to accomplish pretending she’s talking to everyone reading this?” I AM talking to you. All 4.5 of you. (In my mind, I like to believe there is a Ukrainian midget reading this blog and that it makes his day a little brighter and a little better. And that now all of the Ukrainian midgets running around out there are all familiar with the term “ghosting” because he read this blog.)
What exactly do I want from you?
You see something that makes you laugh because you’ve had a similar experience? Fucking tell me. You see something that you think is the dumbest thing that was ever written on the internet and I wrote it. Fucking tell me. Comment on whatever you want, or call me or message me and tell me stories. We can all benefit from your shit. People are benefiting from my shit.
How do I know? People tell me! Not like a lot, but when they do, my proverbial diaper of feel good validation fills up. And then I don’t want to take it off. It’s pretty incredible. And if you don’t want to tell me or comment or start some crazy thread on FB about the downsides of playing paintball while on ecstasy, well, then I’m gonna write regardless. Ya’ll are fucking awesome and your relationship woes and successes make me meep and also draft a shit ton of posts waiting for finalization.
“Ummmm Mercedes, World here. You probably just could have facebooked your best friends to get together one night and come up with a list of all the stupid shit you’ve done together. Don’t you think this is a little dramatic?” Totally, but quit butting in World, you’ve got what you need. Now, just sit back and enjoy the ride you back seat driver.
So Please all readers of itookheradvice, let me stroke that little ego of yours.
Since I’m all about helping here’s what the next article is about: “Co-dependency will set your relationship on fi-ya. Not in the way Enrique Iglesias would sing about it.” Give me your thoughts on co-dependency. How have you been co-dependent in relationships, do you even know what it is? Why is my face really really ridiculously dumb for writing about it. You show me yours, I’ll show you mine. Promise. 🙂
Also, I just realized I forgot to put deodorant on this morning. Piss.
I remember a time in my life where blatant religious demonstrations offended and surprisingly angered me. I chalk it up to not being firm and convicted in my own beliefs which prevented me from doing nothing but judge others for theirs.
This morning on my drive to work I saw a man on the side of the road holding a sign that read “Men of Life”. Two other men knelt beside him in prayer. I have no clue what denomination the three were affiliated with, but it made me tear up.
It was 21 degrees the moment I drove by and my car came to a halt at the red light. In that moment, very profound thoughts began to run through my mind.
We were all created with something to say. We were all created because we matter somewhere to someone and fortunately for the people that live in THIS country, we can believe, demonstrate and celebrate whatever religion or spiritual connection feels right to us.
That sign the gentlemen with kick ass ear muffs was holding, hit me precisely where it was meant to. Though it may have meant something completely different for them, that last word resonated with me.
LIFE is worth celebrating. It’s the only thing we have. Whether you choose to celebrate it on the side of the street, kneeling in prayer to your God on a cold Friday morning, or drinking wine with an old friend providing the simple act of comfort and listening ears…
We have one shot.
Unless you believe in reincarnation. If so, I’m super jealous and if I have any friends that come back for round 2, can you please turn me into a Unicorn when I die?
In all seriousness though, please live. And live well. Whatever that means for you.
Happy Friday Bunnies. 🙂
The tile floor was cold, the air around us stifling. My back rested up against the wall, my arms wrapped about my knees. He sat across from me. Moments of silence and intent stares followed questions I couldn’t even believe I was asking. Every answer he gave was a lie to cover up another lie.
We were silently fighting each other. I was too afraid and weak to walk away and he was too much of a coward to be a man. I couldn’t stand the thought of it ending, the thought of standing alone… it frightened the hell out of me.
He never wanted to be there in the first place, I was only the next in line on his long list of others before me. He had done to me, what he had done to them. This moment gave him the window to jump out of and the door for me to walk through, but we both turned the other cheek. He was a sick addiction because he was the opposition to what I feared most: being vulnerable and trusting someone.
A few tears trickled down my cheek, he gently brushed them away. A calculated act. What I needed most, I never received. There were no apologies, no remorse. A sense of entitlement coated the energy around us. He reached for my hand, it limply rested beneath his. I could no longer make eye contact. I fixed my sights on the grout lines, on the base boards, on the bubbles in the paint on the wall. Anything other than having to look at his face.
“She would get the biggest kick out of knowing we were sitting here fighting because of her. Let’s just forget it ever happened.” He pushed my hair away from my face. His comment angered me. My throat tightened and my jaw clenched. I stood up and began a series of questions. He refused to answer. I went into the other room and grabbed the iPad, he snatched it from my hand. “Sadie, stop.”
He was annoyed. I was pushing his limits, he had literally set mine aflame. He let out a frustrated sigh and walked into the kitchen; I followed him. We stood opposite each other, my hands positioned on the counter, leaning towards him waiting for something, anything. His arms were crossed, he was pissed. I started with more questions. Now the veins in his forearms were jumping off his skin. “I’m not talking any more about this, just stop.”
“I need to know. I need you to tell me why you fucking did it.” He rolled his eyes and said, “I don’t know. I just said all of those things to her to keep her at bay.” He still was not admitting to sleeping with her and every time I asked and brought up a piece of information from the emails he denied it and said “you’re wrong”.
At this point I was nauseated and my head was throbbing. I walked into the bedroom and laid down. He went into the living room and turned on the TV. We spent the next few hours avoiding each other’s presence.
We sat on the couch together and one of his friends texted him asking him to go out. His response, “sorry dude, I have to patch some things up with the lady.” His friend replied back, “Damn, now I’m wondering what you did :)”
The exchange disgusted me. He set his phone down and said, “I want to take you somewhere tonight. Go get dressed.”
“I really don’t feel like it. Why don’t we just stay home.”
“Just get dressed, I know you’ll love it.”
An hour later we were driving towards a familiar area in the city. I thought we were going to this little pizza place that has live music that I had never been to. I had told him I had always wanted to try it because two of my most favorite things in the world are pizza and live music. I slightly smiled when we pulled up around the back of the restaurant and parked. He took my hand and we walked towards the front. I let go of his hand the second we walked past the entrance of the pizza place. “Where are we going?” I asked, confused. He smiled and I wanted to punch him in the face. He opened the door to the most cliché and dumb restaurant in the city. It pissed me off even more.
He knew how I felt about pretentious places and the only thing I felt was that he was trying to buy his apology. There were roses waiting at the table. My fists clenched and I forced a smile so the overly attentive and toothy waitress wouldn’t call the cops on me. I seethed the entire meal. I had to down 4 glasses of wine to even get through it without bursting into tears or jumping across the table and ripping his face off.
Halfway through the meal, his phone lit up. It was his friend again. “So me and (name of other friend) are really curious why in the hell you need to get out of the doghouse”. I looked at him and rolled my eyes. “You’re here trying to make up for being an asshole and you’re on your phone?” I said coolly. I grabbed the glass of champagne in front of me and downed the whole thing. He ignored my comment, finished typing and then set his phone down and reached for his wine.
$300 later, we left in silence and him being so over the top with compliments and smiles that the second we got home I locked myself in the bathroom, took a bath and bawled my eyes out.
A few weeks later shit hit the fan. But this time in a different sense. I’ve had endometriosis since I was 14 and I was straight up battling the worst of it shortly after we started dating. The stress our relationship was causing and everything else going on in my life blew up at once.
It was a Friday night and I was in so much pain. I had started rapidly losing weight, and had to take narcotic pain killers daily just to get through. I could hardly keep anything down and the chronic pain was seriously fucking with my brain. Earlier that day we planned to stay home since I wasn’t feeling well and just watch a movie and order dinner in. I had called in sick to work that day but by the time he got home from work he told me he was going out with a friend for “one” drink.
Fast forward to 3:00 in the morning. He was still not home. I had called him at midnight and he didn’t answer. I called again at 2:30 and it went straight to voice mail. He stumbled in at 3:30 and headed straight for the bathroom. He immediately took a shower. I was so tired and delirious from the pain and not sleeping that I just closed my eyes and tried to get some sleep.
A couple of months later, he pulled another all nighter. Things had steadily gotten worse between us. I had zero ounce of trust and he didn’t think he needed to do anything to earn it back. In an email exchange between us he said, “I’m afraid you’re going to hold this over my head.” We were fighting almost everyday.
So this particular night, he promised me we’d cook dinner, listen to music and have some us time. Nope. Instead, a huge fight ignited when we both got home from work, he ignored me and put on a change of clothes and said “I’m going out with my friends”.
This time around he picked up his phone at 4:00 in the morning and fed some bullshit story about taking his friend home and getting pulled over. According to him, his friend had a ton of cocaine on him and got taken to jail. He said he had to get off the phone because he might have to bail his friend out. I said, “None of that makes sense, where the hell are you?” When he finally got home at 5:00 in the morning, I was furious. Again he took a shower right away.
The next night his little escapade fueled an even bigger fight than the night before. Cue him getting pissed, grabbing a bottle of red wine and leaving the house and driving around. Things were getting so out of control. The next morning our dog got out and we were both frantically driving around the neighborhood looking for him. his dad called me because DB was not answering his phone and I lost it. I started bawling and said “I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with your son but I can’t handle his bullshit anymore!” Yeah, probably not the best moment to breakdown but I literally couldn’t bottle it in anymore.
It was almost Christmas and I can’t even begin to describe how tumultuous things were. I was starting to have nightly panic attacks and couldn’t sleep for days at time. I chose to start seeing a therapist and my doctor added anti anxiety medication to my prescription for pain killers for the endometriosis. But I wasn’t being honest with my therapist. I told him nothing about what was going on with me and DB. I couldn’t admit it. No one really knew. I had shut out all of my friends and literally lived and breathed going through this nightmare alone. Red flag: If you have to lie to your therapist about something, that probably means you need to run from it.
I was also going through RCIA at the time to become catholic and guess who my sponsor was…yup, DB. He was the person who was supposed to be setting a “good catholic example” and be my sounding board. Every Monday he went to classes with me. We’d pretend everything was great for those couple of hours. He’d shake the hand of our priest and work his charm that so many have fallen for before. But when we left, we went back to our own version of hell. I was just as guilty as he was. Every time a friend or co-worker would ask me how things were, I’d force a smile and lie through my stupid little teeth. I couldn’t take anyone knowing that I failed. I couldn’t take anyone knowing that I wasn’t good enough for someone to stay committed to. It was the hardest place I’ve ever been in my life.
If you would see us on facebook or in public, you’d think we were the happiest people alive. Appearances mean nothing. Behind closed doors, we were anything but that. I hated him for what he was doing to me, I hated myself for what I had allowed to happen. I hated what we represented but still I chose to stay.
We survived Christmas and the New Year and February rolled around. Things seemed to have plateaued between us. It wasn’t any better and it wasn’t any worse. But something was stirring deep inside me, screaming at me to uncover the truth.
It was a week before my birthday. He was completely withdrawn. I knew I needed to force it out of him. Buried deep, I knew the answers to the questions I had. It was a storm slowly gaining force and on that cold February night, it hit…
Catchiest pre-cursor I’ve ever heard. Yes, we’re gonna go there. No, not sex silly…exes. One in particular…
I’ve only mildly touched on the events that took place in my last serious relationship. You know, the one in particular that nearly ended me. But what did not in fact kill me, made me a strong mother fucker and forever grateful for heartache and the really shitty things in life. It’s because of all that darkness that I can sit here still breathing with happiness in my soul and a knowing that karma is indeed a bitch, in more ways than one.
The ex in question: I call him DB.
Total time together: 14 months.
When you think about a tornado meeting a volcano, it’s not hard to imagine the devastation it can cause. In no way shape or form did I think things would go the way they did starting out. But as with life, there are twists and turns you never see coming.
I took a risk that fateful spring night that we met for “casual drinks” and no one could have deterred me from diving head first into the chaos. Because you see, when you want something, REALLY want something, you do just about anything to get it. But when you get a taste of something that’s unfamiliar, intoxicating, dangerous and sparks feelings inside that you’ve never experienced before, all while being in a very broken and lost place in life…well, someone ends up sacrificing their dignity, morals and can attach themselves to a very misguided and warped view of love.
I sat on the bed, winding down from the day. It was a Thursday. His Ipad was laying next to me. A few weeks prior he said, “Download some books to read on it”. So feeling in the reading mood and sick of the books on my shelf, I reached over and picked it up. An email notification popped up. I recognized the name, my stomach dropped.
His ex girlfriend. The one who kept texting and called him incessantly the first few months we were together. The ex girlfriend that had her friends facebook stalk me. The ex girlfriend he told me got so drunk and physically violent at his Family Christmas the year prior that she ripped the shirt off his father and punched his mother. Reasoning: In the words of one of his family members “He didn’t propose to her and she thought she was getting a ring.” The stories I had heard about this girl were nauseating. He and his family spoke so poorly of her, her family and anything that ever had to do with the two of them, (Should have been a red flag, but I chose to ignore it) that I asked him why he was with her for so long if she really was that horrible. He could never give me a direct answer.
He always painted himself to be the good person, that all of his exes “we’re crazy and emotionally disturbed.” That Thursday night I found out why…
I froze. Shock overcame my body. I literally started shaking. Hyperventilation took over my breathing.
My first thought: Grab your shit and get the fuck out.
But my body literally would not budge. I tightened up, wanting desperately to pull my knees up to my chest and cradle myself…nothing. My eyes were the only thing that were moving and they were taking in all my bedroom furniture that we had literally days ago moved into his place. We were starting a life together. But there I was staring at an email thread showing me that he was still fucking his ex. Not only that, but telling her how much he missed her and that he was trying to sell his house so he could move, possibly to Chicago to be with her.
I sat there for about 5 minutes, my head spinning, unable to form a clear thought. At that point, fear and denial took over. Inwardly I tried to tell myself there must be some explanation, something I’m missing. Maybe I was reading it wrong. No, it was all there. Never in my life have I experienced a painful slicing in my body such as this. Trauma is a funny mother fucker. It felt like someone had injected a burning poison into my bloodstream and every breath I took, it spread.
Trying to choke through the words a second time sent me straight to my feet. With the evidence in tow, I marched outside to where he was watering the flowers.
“What the fuck…” I shakily blurted out. I was quivering from head to toe. My pupils had to have been the size of golf balls. He saw the look on my face and my general physical appearance and he knew. He stared intensely at me and shifted his body weight.
Trying to appear dumbfounded, he replied, “What babe? What’s wrong?” I threw the iPad at him and I said, “It’s all there in your email. Were you that stupid to not even delete it?” He started skimming through the thread, nervously shaking his head, the veins popping from his neck. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” I shouted and suddenly snapped. My rage burst and I lost it. His face became angry and his shoulders rigid. He glared at me and barked, “Get the fuck inside so the neighbors don’t hear you.”
“I don’t give a fuck about the neighbors, tell me what’s going on.” I stood in the grass outside the house with my arms folded, ready to throw down, ready to crumble, ready to absolutely lose my shit because I had no idea what was happening. For the past six months, it had been a whirlwind romance for the ages. Everything was good. Too good. It all came to a screeching halt in that moment. I suddenly realized that everything up to this point had been a lie. I hung my head.
The adrenaline in my veins started to dissipate and I became extremely tired. I lowered my arms and quietly walked into the house.
In that moment I gave up my soul. I lost myself on that hot August night and gave him the permission and power to spend the next several months chipping away at my existence. I was the only one that could have stopped the head on collision that would happen only months down the road, but I didn’t. Instead, I sat on the tile floor as he twisted words and manipulated my recollection. I stared into his eyes and looked past all the lies spewing from his mouth; I felt trapped but I felt a force in connection with him that I couldn’t walk away from. The darkness began to take over and it would be the only thing I would feel for many months…
My elbows rested gently on the freshly pressed white linen table cloth. My gaze was fixed on the person sitting across from me. I focused on his mouth and the shapes it made as he spoke. He smiled; it caused a smile to pepper across my lips. The gold bracelet on my left wrist shifted down my arm, I pulled it back up. I reached for my glass of Pinot Noir and took a slow and appreciative sip; There’s something calming and seductive about a glass of red wine. It cued a mirror effect. He grasped the glass of bourbon sitting in front of him and took a drink, I watched.
Our eyes briefly met…another smile appeared on both our faces. I felt a comfortable warmth kiss my cheeks…was I blushing? I shifted my glance to the right and looked out the large window panes. Though it was January, Christmas lights still blanketed the trees on the sidewalk and their soft twinkling flirted with me through the glass. The illumination from the signs on the high rises surrounding us gave me a feeling of contentment. A horse drawn carriage slowly made its way down the street; cars took their time passing by. A quiet winter’s night in the city.
My focus averted when I noticed a coat fall from the arms of a man waiting for the valet to bring his car to the front. He was clumsy, had clearly indulged in alcohol moments before. He reached towards the concrete in retrieval and a laugh escaped.
Others drunken moments intoxicate me. When inhibitions are lowered, there’s a rawness and soul clenching curiosity that I can’t quiet. Watching the man on the street with nothing but a steel frame and thin piece glass between us, steered the conversation towards discussing our own moments of throwing caution to the wind. We laughed.
He leaned across the table and kissed me. I could still taste dessert, lemon blueberry cheesecake. I kissed him. We lingered.
There was once a time in my life that everything was serious. Everything was an inner conflict and me fighting myself to grasp any ounce of happiness. Looking at myself on paper back then to what I see now is pretty humbling. It’s also something that I’m so thankful that I documented…
Letter to myself – August 4, 2010
“Blank paper. Staring at me viscously and in disappointment. How do I take my thoughts and emotions and place them down for everyone to see. How do I allow myself to become vulnerable; Vulnerable to criticism and the unknown. How did others before me do it?
Poe had his demons and an inner rage that needed an outlet. He had no choice. Holed up in darkness, he spoke. He spoke to forces and allowed the energy to flow. Oblivious to the light, he toiled aggressively to his art, to his voice, to the very thing that gave him breath.
Shakespeare captured the beauty. He held tight to the power and tragedy of love. He spoke with confidence and unfolded the amazing feats one was capable of; all to keep love from escaping. Inspiring, challenging and untouchable. Such romance and intrigue has passed. He has bottled up that time of sacrificial splendor and taken it to his grave.
I sit unmoved by my presence. My reflection is screaming at me to recognize an opposition. But I continue to stare with the same brown eyes as I always have. Permit the same amount of breath to enter my lungs and look away as soon the unnerving bumps rise on my skin, and punish me for recognizing nothing new, nothing pristine and nothing rebellious to the expected.
It is impossible to shake myself from within and even more of a challenge to enfold my arms throughout my existence and forcefully condemn the apprehension. But what’s in me, what’s continuing to push the blood through my veins, is not anything scented with darkness or an uprising of warmth impossible to evade. Instead it’s a knowing, a knowing that if I allow the sweetness to settle, the questions to go unsolicited, and the lock to remain un-tampered then I cannot, with the fibers of my very soul, embrace the purpose that’s buried.
And here I dive. Dive to the depths uncharted. Seek what’s to find and hold out the hand of permission to what could change me, to what could break me, to what could enlighten my blind eyes. I have removed the harness and laid down the shield of identity. To fear what will emerge is an emotion that I will no longer toy with.
Now quit the charade and put your big girl panties on.”
Can anyone guess what chess move I was about to make?
I found this little writing tid-bit of mine today. Written circa early 2010.
“Lessons of Life: They come hard, they come fast and sometimes strike and we wonder what in the hell hit us. They also come subtly and gently push us forward And sometimes, unfortunate as they can seem when everything else around you is falling, they change you. They can also cause you to binge drink and get really emotional.
Some respond with “shit, son give me a break”, others with “why me?” and then there are those that you don’t even know they are struggling; they choose to face the storm alone. I’ve tried all three. I’ve tried the hardened sarcasm, only to find the faith in myself slowly crumbling. I tried having a heated conversation with a bigger power and ultimately ending up where I started – confused and still pissed off. I’ve also spent most days taking it upon myself to fix the sadness in those I would die for, rather than recognizing and allowing those who love me to help when I don’t have the energy to help myself.
Through the really dark days and the constant blows this year, I’ve learned so many lessons. Through heartache and sorrow, disappointment and abandonment and overcoming personal doubts and fear, I’ve repeated the third grade. It’s like I’ve re-learned my time tables, struggled with the overwhelming brain overload that is division and won the spelling bee. Despite a road straight out of a war zone forever attached to my heels, little spouts of growth and re-invention are emerging. Swwwweeeeeet.
1. I’ve learned that love really does conquer all – This needs no explanation, but I’ll elaborate anyways. Whoever wrote the bible verse that starts with love is patient and kind must have been through hell and back. Because love IS everything good. Love can look at your faults and the fact that you may be a screw up and still smile at you and want nothing but the best for you. Love can get hurt and be honest about it and work on healing, not run away because things got tough. Love also takes it upon itself to think about others and even if it doesn’t know the right words to say, it is still there. Love is ability to say “I love you” and not expect it back. Love is understanding that people are not superheroes and cannot be 10 different places at once. Love is able to go a few weeks or months being wrapped up in responsibility and the daily things life throws at it, but still come back to you one day as if it was there all along. Love forgives when it’s able and tries to forget, but love is human. Wounds take a while to heal. But love understands this and does it’s best to grow from it. Love is always changing and stays the same. Love learns from mistakes, because love can make them.
2. I’ve learned that just because you expect things out of people and yourself does not mean they will act that way. Actually, it’s probably ingrained in the energy of the universe for them to behave otherwise. – I don’t know how many times I’ve woken up saying this is the day I’m going to fold that laundry and put it away. By the time 5 o’clock rolls around all I want to do is open a bottle of wine and watch glee. Sigh. Though I am a gleek, I am also a retarded responsible adult. Should we stop expecting better things for ourselves and of others even though we know 9 times of 10 we will be disappointed? Absolutely not. Because one day, I found the costume I wore for Halloween TWO years ago the same day that I tore the house apart looking for the gloves I wore with that costume and decided that I needed to put the god damn laundry away. That lasted about a week. A basket of clean clothes is now unfolded hiding out in the spare bedroom and the bottle of zinfandel on my counter has received a whole lot more attention than that laundry. I guess the conclusion I’ve come to is that there is an energy in the universe, and that energy will get you to a breaking point to something you need to do. The same concept can be applied to relationships. A person I hold very dear to me is a habitual late arrival. TO EVERYTHING. But the energy in the universe caught up with this said person and I received an e-mail apologizing to me about all the times I had white knuckles awaiting their arrival. The energy in the universe took it upon itself to present a situation that forced a change of heart and habit. Will it last? Maybe, maybe not. But now that this very loved individual in my life has walked in my shoes for a short time, she might try a bit harder next time I tell her not to be late 🙂 So the conclusion of this lesson is that people will let you down. A lot. You will even let people down. We are not perfect, but don’t ever stop believing the best in people, because the energy around us is capable of turning the light on in the littlest of situations.
3. I’ve learned that is O.K. to walk away from someone and love them from a distance – This was a particularly hard lesson for me to learn this year. I had to learn that detaching from a family member who is willingly self destructing is not me turning my back on them. It’s me having exhausted every ounce of love and help towards them but ultimately having to withdraw. Sometimes no matter what we say or do to help someone, they have to make a decision to get better. Holy difficult thing to do.
4. I have learned that redbull and I do not get along – After a trip to the emergency room and feeling like an asshole for not being able to take myself, I broke up with redbull. Redbull and I are much better off this way. Much appreciation to the one who drunkenly conversed with me and my hallucinations and the other who took care of me and the drunkard. This lesson in particular makes me recall kickball in the third grade and how when playing this game, pavement and I always ended up kissing. How awkward and scared I was. But alas, kickball and I did not break up, I just chose to officiate marriages under the monkey bars instead.
5. I have learned that relationships fade, because it’s just the way things work – There’s a saying about people being in your life for a season. Totally true. I gotta do me, just as others have to do them. No use getting bent out of shape with someone when they suddenly go MIA due to a grueling job, blossoming romance or just because they decide to do things differently. Third grade: Some Heather chick didn’t invite me to her birthday party because the boy she liked, liked me. So, when THIS chicks birthday rolled around, guess what bitch didn’t get an invite. YUP, heather. That’s ok in third grade, when you just miss out on one day of cupcakes and maybe a barbie or really rad coloring book…But I’m not going to let that seep into my adult life. I’ve been guilty of it before, but that’s before I learned this lesson. Take into account life and circumstances and that sometimes people change. Don’t hold it over their head because they didn’t invite you to a party or you didn’t show up for theirs that you have to seek revenge and do the same to them. It’s pretty childish, pathetic and still hurts peoples feelings, even if you aren’t in third grade anymore. So girls, grow up. Save this kind of pettiness for people watching in the bar when you’re drunk and the girls you’re targeting aren’t friends and won’t hear you running your insecure mouth.
6. I’ve learned that what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for you – Stop pushing your ideals on people or judging them if they don’t feel the same way that you do. Just accept someones flaws along with everything else and be thankful that they put up with you. What’s so great about this country is that we have the freedom to feel what ever we want and enjoy whatever we want. Playful banter is acceptable, but don’t cross the line and be a dick. You are entitled to your opinion, but don’t throw it at someone if they didn’t ask. So if your friend does something that you don’t necessarily agree with or puts a bad taste in your mouth, swallow it. It’s his/her life. How many hours I’ve wasted being pissed at someone because for something that didn’t even involve me or was really trivial, is rather disheartening. But I can find relief in that the universal energy caught up with me and let me see first hand how an arrogant and selfish opinion can destroy a relationship and make someone lose all respect for you and well, think you’re a raging bitch.
7. I’ve learned that there’s no use in crying over spilled milk, cuz your husbands going to yell at you for not putting the cap on correctly anyways – So yeah, I just stopped drinking milk, right after I laughed my ass off at how big of a deal people were making that my car smelled like a dead body after I spilled A LITTLE milk in the backseat. I’ve learned that making a joke out of your shortcomings is therapy. Because with every one of my shortcomings, there’s a great story behind it 🙂 Third grade: Travis Jackson made fun of my name one too many times, so I threw him on the ground and punched him. That really has nothing to do with not taking things so seriously, because I totally got detention for that. But good lord punching him and standing up for myself felt freaking amazing.
8. I’ve learned soul sisters do exist – They can leave you hanging, miss one of the most important days of your life because they are selfish, rip you a new asshole for just checking up on them, spend hours bitching incessantly about something they have the power to fix but refuse to, and still be the best friend you’re ever going to have. The people that love you the most are going to be the ones that hurt you the most but the worst is always outdone by the best. They admit when they are wrong, feel like an asshole when they’ve messed up, can feel when something is not right and do everything in their power to build you back up and make you laugh harder than anyone in this world. They get you inside and out and know you better than you know yourself. They are your mentor, your sister and someone you trust your life with. I’ve learned that I am beyond blessed to share a soul with a friend like that in my life and that I don’t need a million in a half friends to feel loved, valued, appreciated and needed. I’m not in third grade anymore and not everyone is my best friend. I’m realistic in my adulthood and would rather have a few very special people in my life than a few thousand. Because it’s those few that you can call when your vision is blurred with tears and snot running out of your nose because you have to put your dog down and the pain of losing her hurts more than anything. That friend understands that your dog was a part of your family and shares in your sorrow. Those few friends are people that show up at your house unannounced and force you to play out in the rain to get your mind off the crappy things you are going through. Those friends love laughing with you and the stories you share together are the things good books are made of. Those friends have impacted you more than your own family with their words, compassion and dedication to being in your life. You may not always see eye to eye and you may piss each other off from time to time, but there’s no one else that you would rather want to get drunk with, receive a penis birthday cake from, go on vacation with, play I’ve never with, get beaten with hulk gloves by, sit in a bathtub fully clothed with, overdose on green tea with, and call when you need to talk. Those are your soul sisters. Let them in and have the time of your life with them. Though others in your life bring you happiness and great memories too and you should build on those relationships too, the ones you can rely on make you better and can handle your craziness and do it willingly 🙂
9. I’ve learned that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing – Allow yourself a break from things if you feel smothered or caged. Go ahead and get wasted by yourself on wine, whilst running around the house in just socks and dancing to Kesha. Sing the most annoying song at the top of your lungs whenever you want. Your very straight laced and un-musical significant other may look at you weird and shake his head, but secretly you made his day. And everyone likes songs about losing a hairbrush 🙂 Perhaps maybe this lesson goes along with not taking yourself too seriously or maybe it’s just that this lesson means so much. I never want to be someone else and want to feel like I’m getting everything out of life I can. If it requires me to set down the determination and goals and hair brained ideas and pick up acting a fool and being silly, I’m on it yo.
10. I’ve learned that the only time table you can follow is your own – There will ALWAYS be people in your life who think you are going too fast or too slow. Who cares if you are. You learn by trial and error. You also are your own person and do things completely different than the person on your left and on your right. So embrace who you are and what you want in life. You do what YOU want and don’t change your mind because you’re worried what others think. In third grade I heard the older kids on the bus saying the word” screw”. So the next day at recess I screamed “screw” at the top of my lungs just because I could. Some stupid nerd of a sixth grader grabbed my arm and told me that was a bad word. What did I say to her? “Screw you”. I do what I want bitch. But then I ran away fast without paying attention to where I was going and bashed into a tether ball pole and ended up with a concussion. So i guess the universe decided I needed to learn a lesson.
Never be opposed to learning. The way we learned when we were young is how we learn today. It may take us recalling flashbacks from the third grade to derive the lesson, but most of the time nostalgia is a great thing. Though this year is not over for me and I will most likely have more instances that require examination, I know I’m living, learning and growing. And, I’ve upgraded “screw” for a smaller word with more impact ;)”
Three years later and my undercurrents run strong…but DAYUM how things have changed.