By Sean Winkle
The idea of a girl being friend zoned seems odd. I think a more accurate description would be “why won’t he date me?” I wish the answer were something like men are complex creatures, but the truth is we really aren’t. We’re actually pretty simple to figure out. Sex and sandwiches, that’s it!
I’m just kidding. However, we are fairly simple creatures.
A reason why a girl may not be dating material may not even be known to most guys. A lot of guys will just say something like “I don’t know. It’s just not there” or “She’s cool, I’m just not sure I want a relationship right now.” Guys mean these things when they say them and I’m going to venture a guess that your average guy doesn’t give much thought into why they feel these things. It is the way it is.
However, lucky for you, I am a nerd and ever since I was little I always wanted to know “why?”. I am by no means an expert, but these are things I have noticed from my own experience and breaking down my buddies’ experiences. Mercedes has given some good advice and I wholeheartedly agree with a lot of it. I would like to add and expand on a few things.
So without further ado, reasons why a girl gets friend zoned from the male point of view.
1. “All you want is sex!” OK ladies, let’s get this out of the way, we want sex! It can be one of the most motivating things as a guy. After all sex is an important part of a relationship. Nothing says “I like you” like some good old fashioned hair pulling, ass smacking, hard core sex! Alright, maybe not that intense for everyone but you get the idea. With that being said, if a guy didn’t want to sleep with you that would be a bigger problem. By treating us like that’s ALL we want, you are almost making us feel bad about our sexual desires. Imagine a guy saying “You’re sexy. I want you. Like fifty shades of grey style!” Then you accuse him of just wanting sex. You’re kind of implying that his desire is unnatural and you don’t like it; Not a very good incentive for us to try again. There’s also the idea of the self fulfilling prophecy. Treat a guy like all he wants is sex and you may make HIM start to think that IS all he wants. And if that’s not the case then he will most likely be insulted. Again, not a good thing.
2. “I don’t know what we’re doing…” Oh this is such a horrible thing to hear from a guys point of view. It is a sure sign that the girl wants more than what we’re giving. Now don’t get me wrong, you should most definitely communicate what you are feeling and what you want, but having to say this usually means something got miscommunicated before this. Maybe the relationship started and the guy said he’s not looking for anything serious and you tried to play it cool. I’m not saying tell him you love him and you are eagerly wanting to get married and have children and a white picket fence and a dog and an SUV and soccer practice. Ahhhh! Too much. But, you should definitely communicate whether or not you are looking for a relationship or just looking to have some fun. Now, relationships can grow out of having some fun, but if you feel the need to ask this question that’s your internal instinct telling you something is wrong. If a guy likes you, you’ll know. Believe me. The need for this question signifies something is not clicking quite right.
3. “I don’t go out that much but it’s Wednesday and I’m really hungover…” Party girls!!!! Wooo Hoooo!!! We love y’all, but there is a time and a place for it. There is nothing wrong with going out and cutting loose but if you’re rivaling Ke$ha this is not good. The old adage actions speak louder than words holds true in this case. The same way you want a guy that has his shit together we want the same thing. I don’t know a guy that would take a girl who goes out 4-5 nights a week and gets hammered seriously. This says a lot about what’s important to you and the lifestyle you lead. If your ideal date is to go out and get black out wasted together you’re definitely going to be treated as the crazy party girl. This ties into Mercedes bringing your girl friends with you on a date. If you can’t hang out one on one and put yourself out there and get to know the guy, you may need to work on yourself before entering into a relationship.
4. “You’re going out with your friends again??? I thought we were gonna hang out???” Oh boy……this never ends well. It’s one thing if you’re in a relationship for a while and this happens more often than no,t but if you are just getting to know someone this comes off very poorly. As guys we have lives and friends that were there before you and will probably be there after you. Sorry, it’s true. It should be the same of your friends though. Expecting to hang out together every single time one of you goes out is a bit ludicrous. If you make plans and he blows you off, that’s one thing, but if it’s just “what are you doing tonight?” and he already has plans don’t sweat it. There is something about having guy time that is just not the same when a girl you’re talking to or dating is around. I would imagine it’s the same when you guys have girl time. We just like to go out and have a few drinks or play a sport of some kind or what ever. You guys like to read cosmos, paint each other’s nails, eat ice cream, and bash us guys. Just kidding! Although, I HAVE witnessed this. Don’t ask why I was at a girl’s night….. Anyway, you can’t miss something that is always there so don’t be afraid to give a little space. If you follow your shadow it will always move away from you. If you walk away from it, your shadow will follow you. I think I read that under a Snapple cap. Good advice none the less.
5. “I like this and I like that and I do this and me me me me me.” Conversations are not a one way street. While you definitely should put yourself out there and share your likes, dislikes, interests, passions and all that gooshy stuff; You need to take an interest in us too. Ask us what we like, what are our hopes and dreams, do we like popcorn and cuddling too. Alright maybe not necessarily those questions but take an interest in us. It’s the only way to find commonalities and build rapport on a more than surface level. At the same time you need to open up and hold up your end of the conversation. “I don’t know” is about the worst answer to any question. “So what do you like to do?” “I don’t know.” “What kind of food do you like?” “I don’t know.” “Do you have brothers and sisters?” “I don’t know.” “Are we in the same room right now?” “I don’t know.” Put yourself out there. If you get asked a question you’ve never thought about, take a minute to think about it. We’ll wait. A side note to this is be a little flirty. It adds fun to the interaction for both people. The conversation should be fun. You are a man and a woman getting to know each other, try to enjoy it. Feel free to give sassy answers. Make shit up. Break his balls a little bit. Don’t take things too seriously and have some fun.
So that’s my humble opinion on this matter. These are a few of the things that I have encountered in my dating life, as well as a few Mercedes touched on. Just try to be open and honest with yourself first and foremost and honest and open with the guy second. Blow jobs don’t hurt either. Hahahaha. No, seriously they don’t hurt. Just kidding! Or am I?????
Meet Sean Winkle. In his words: I’m brutally honest, maybe a bit brash, and have a witty sarcastic sense of humor. I’m your average extremely intelligent and good looking guy. I have an affinity for self development and diet coke. Polar pops son! I have loved, laughed, been hurt, hurt other people and I have grown from all of it. I want people to be the best version of themselves even if they don’t particularly like what I have to say. My intentions are good I assure you.
I TOOK HER ADVICE 