All of the relationship advice I give transpires because I’ve experienced whatever I happen to be writing about. Sometimes the ideas are thoroughly thought out and manifest after long baths or laying on my living room floor staring at the ceiling, after wearing out the batteries in my vibrator. Sorry, at that point I’m just too damn lazy and unmotivated to do anything else other than come up with blog material. Other times, I will randomly overhear a conversation behind me and it sticks out so forcefully I have to write about it.

But sometimes, I’m sitting with friends enjoying a Sunday Funday and a random comment turns into an interview session. Which leads me to discovering 10 reasons chicks get friend-zoned. So here they are, straight from the horse’s mouth, complete with my vaginal interpretation.

1. “They have to have their girlfriends with them on dates.” – In my not-so-professional opinion, I think what the dudes were trying to say here is, believe it or not, they crave just as much intimacy as us. The whole point of dating is getting to know someone. At SOME point you need to do the friend litmus test. However, inviting your lady lump posse with you more than rarely sends the signal that you are either A) Insecure B) Emotionally and possibly socially retarded because you can’t communicate or connect without added estrogen or C) Aren’t as interested as you think you are.

2. “They want you to chase too much; They play hard to get.” – Ah, the infamous “cat and mouse”. So here it is. There’s a HUGE difference between actually being hard to get and playing hard to get. A smart guy knows when you’re playing a game and he also knows when you truly are hard to get. How? You put yourself first. You have interests other than refusing to return his phone call in hopes it makes him want you more. You don’t calculate your next move  like a game of chess. You value your time and respect yourself enough to have your own life. You are honest about your intentions and don’t play games.

3. “They don’t fuck you.” – This may offend some of you. By no means was it meant to, but if I’ve learned one thing in relationships is that you need be as transparent as humanly possible from the beginning. Otherwise you’re building your foundation on falsehoods. I had a friend explain a situation he was in. He liked the girl. She liked him. Sexual chemistry was on high levels. They found themselves in a bed. Rolling around. Mouth rape and heavy petting ensued. Suddenly, clothes were on the floor. She said “I’m not that kind of girl.” Uhhhhhhh….not what kind of girl? If you don’t want to have sex with someone, don’t have sex with them. But don’t get yourself to third base and then walk off the field saying “Jussssssssssssssst kidding, I’m not a baseball type of girl.” Giving off every single signal that you want D+V action and then laying there in all your naked awesomeness proclaiming to “not be that type of girl” is the opposite of a confident, secure and in charge of her life woman and a dude that’s interested in you gets turned on by a woman who knows what she wants. I wouldn’t be saying this if I wasn’t guilty of having done the same thing. I’m sure all of us have at some point or another. I think we confuse seduction with trying to be someone we’re not. In relationships, you have to be upfront about what you want. Whether that’s a fuck-buddy situation, a real relationship or a let’s-just-see-where-this-thing-goes agreement; USE YOUR WORDS and then make sure the action matches what you say. If not, someone is inevitably going to wind up getting hurt. Or a serious case of blue balls. From what I’ve heard, it’s not pleasant.

4. “They keep bringing up past relationships.” – If you’re still talking about your ex, saying things like, “Oh we used to eat at x restaurant all the time” or you keep bringing up all the things your ex used to do for you or telling your new man about all the things your ex has been up to because you’ve been doing some serious FB stalking, or you’re FB stalking your ex in general…you shouldn’t be in a relationship. Moral of the story is, we all have wounds and scars from past relationships. Not one person gets out of love unscathed. You have to make a conscious effort to work through those triggers should they pop up, but you also need to be aware of your emotions and respectful of the other persons. Your ex has no room in your new relationship. If he continually keeps being brought into it…well, no man worth having is going to wait around for you to finally “get over” your ex.

5. “Put your fucking cell phone down and have a real conversation.” – This one goes back to intimacy and possessing self-control. We live in a world where most of us can’t survive without our phones. But realize that you’re sending a message when you would rather be on your phone than connecting face to face with your man. It’s a way to avoid intimacy. It’s totally one of my faults. I did this thing where I added like 274 motivational and inspirational pages on my FB and I got addicted to reading every single fucking article or picture or quote posted. It’s a habit I’m trying to kick. But if you’re so uninterested in your partner that you can’t stay off social media every time you’re supposed to spending quality time together, you may have your reason of why you got ghosted.

6. “She has to wear makeup all the time.” – I disagree with this one, but this is the boy’s general consensus list, not mine. I get what they are trying to say though. They want a woman who can relax around them and not have to be dolled up all the time. In defense though boys, you have no idea the power a kick ass tube of mascara and a little bronzer can have on your entire outlook of life and you really have no idea how utterly great it feels to be a girl sometimes. We know you don’t understand how 99.9% of the little tubes, bottles and brushes in our bathroom work, but it makes us feel good. If you really think she looks her most beautiful as she’s waking up in the morning, brush the hair out of her face, kiss her and tell her how gorgeous she looks right there. Morning breath and all. The more secure, desired and appreciated she feels, the more she’s going to “let her hair down”. Trust.

7. ” She’s too materialistic and wants to talk about her Prada purse and she OMGEEEEEEE luuuuuuhves these shoes. Fuck that.” – Ladies, you are not the clothes you wear. Your worth is not determined by how many coach purses you own or how many pairs of stilettos you have categorized by color in your closet. There is nothing wrong with a passion for all things girly. It’s in our blood and you should never be ashamed of your love of glitter and appreciation of a fantastic pink cashmere sweater. However, when you define yourself by what you drive, the clothes you buy and your Instagram is nothing but pictures of Louis Vuitton everything, that’s all your man is going to see. He can’t appreciate the things he doesn’t understand and your girly ways, if you don’t give him something of real value to fall in love with. Like your humor, or your compassion for wanting to save all the three-legged bunnies in the world, or the incredible woman who you are without all the frills. In the grand scheme of things, raw human connection, sharing of experiences and living life are what bring people together. Not diamond rings, fancy vacations or a new iPhone. Those “things” become unimportant when we realize what really matters.

8. “Women worry about other women too much.” – I wrote a post about competition between women. Why it exists? It’s in our nature and we have to either grow out of the pettiness or cultivate the shit out of our lives so much that we are no longer jealous, envious or resentful of another woman…we’re inspired. OK, OK. I know it’s humanly impossible to look at every woman and be like “Wow! Girl you’re such an inspiration I just wanna hug you. ” Actually, women piss each other off so we have the opportunity to do some self-work. How we feel towards other women is a direct reflection of how feel about ourselves. Who gives a shit what the hottie in the really short hot pink skirt is doing. You secretly think she wants to suck your boyfriends dick? High five for you for having something that someone else wants. But just a tip, don’t be the girl that everyone is envious of because you have a hot boyfriend. Be the girl with confidence that knows how to smile and how to fucking be nice to other girls because you can. You’re gonna get no where in life hating on every attractive girl you see or comparing yourself to every other girl because you lack confidence and love of yourself.

9.“Women are always worried about what other men are doing for their girlfriends.” – Mad because your best friend gets flowers every week or love notes written on her mirror, or has a very stimulating sex life? Well, obviously there’s a problem in yours. It’s none of your business what goes on in your friends relationship and if you find it necessary to compare and point out what’s lacking in your own because of her happiness, USE YOUR WORDS. If you want something, ask for it. If you’re not getting something you’ve asked for, be willing to walk away if it’s a deal-breaker. But being mad at your man because he’s not Casanova-ing the shit out of you is no reason to act like a brat.

10. “She doesn’t say what she wants.” – Your man is not a mind reader. Though all of us women have this innate belief that everyone else has crazy powers of telepathy and that they should know the hidden meaning of crossed arms, heavy sighs, or “I’m fine”, men are literal creatures. They mean precisely what they say. They didn’t inherit our female hormones, indecisiveness and amaze-ball ways of changing our mind at any given second. They also don’t have ovaries that go all ninja and fuck shit up at the drop of a hat. The only way we are going to have our needs met and stay in a fulfilling partnership is to try to articulate what is we really want. No manipulation, no guilt trips, just straight talk.

Though I think you have to combine a few of these to get a fully executed friend-zone, I think there’s a lot of truth to what the boys said. And now, I shall go on the hunt for the top 10 reasons dudes get friendzoned.

*This conversation also sparked the manifestation of Barbie Dick clothing line: Themed costume wear for your man’s magic stick. Scuba Diver tonight, a member of the Village People tomorrow night. Could be the next big thing…

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