Currently, there are about 1,345,762 reasons to be happy at any given moment. I haven’t personally counted them, but considering there’s oodles of blades of grass out in the world, I figure the number of “all happy things” has to be a pretty big number.
But you my friend, know as well as I do, that it is IMPOSSIBLE to be happy at any given moment. I don’t think any human has ever been able to tackle that feat. But man, it’s so easy to latch on to quotes and motivational articles that spew “You have the power to be happy…RIGHT NOW!”
Of course, I do, I’m the one plastering that shit all over Facebook.
However, I don’t fucking feel like it right this second. I actually feel like throwing myself onto the ground and crying until the snot pools onto the carpet. I feel like taking a spoon and digging out this god-awful heaviness sitting in my chest cavity and flinging it against the walls while I continue to ugly cry. I feel like punching things. Many things. All the things. Why? I’m a woman, I can’t even answer that damn question. But, all I want to do is act like a child and throw a temper-tantrum. All I want to do is literally emotionally vomit this horrific feeling out.
Oooooooooh….that’s Anger? Now what the fuck am I supposed to with that?
Seriously, what do you do when you experience anger? Do you even know it’s anger that you’re feeling? Do you even know where it’s coming from? Do you sit in it and really feel it or do you dismiss it as something else and pretend it isn’t there? Do you project it onto someone else or do you internalize it and feel guilty for even feeling it. Do you act on it and punch things or do you pull up your blog and vent interwebly? Do you hear the voice of your parents telling you that it’s not O.K. to be angry and that you need to pray to God and ask for forgiveness for sinning against him? Do you actually believe that God needs to forgive you for being fucking human? Do you get scared and have an anxiety attack, do you grab a bottle of vodka and numb it or do you literally fuck your way through it and let it dissipate as you reach an orgasm. Do you throw an iron at the person you’re angry with? Do you call your best friend and ask her what she would do? Or do you do nothing? And once you realize it’s a part of your life, how do you get rid of it…or should you?
Well, if you haven’t realized it by now, I don’t know jack shit about a lot of things. Especially anger. My pre-conceived notion of expressing anger is…don’t. That pre-conceived notion was my thought process until about, oh, less than 12 hours ago. But hey, we’re all this together, so hear me out.
Repressing anything makes it grow stronger. At least that’s what some random FB photo said to me. And I saw it right after I had a rage fueled meltdown. Like YEARS worth of anger stuffing lead to it. And it seems this year in particular, that’s been my main hurdle to try and jump over without catching my foot and fucking face planting on the concrete. I have failed so many times. Is that the lesson? Fail until you don’t fail?
Nope. You go to your local thrift store, buy the cheapest, ugliest set of dishes you can find and start busting that shit up. One mustard yellow plate at a time.