Have you ever cried so hard you drown your sinuses? Do you know what it feels like to have your soul seep out of your eye sockets? Have you ever desired for darkness to take over you so intensely that you almost suffocate thinking about it?
It’s the most alive you’ve ever felt, right? Because you’re at the point that your heart could literally give out at any moment and then you think, “Fuck, having a heartache and dying naked in the bathtub is not the most glorious way to die.” But you don’t think that…really…because you’re heart is still flopping around trying to fucking kill you and who really thinks about the worst case scenario when their smack dab in the middle of dying?
I used to say I was broken. I used to think there was something so incredibly screwed up in my head that it was impossible for me to really trust people. And there may be an ounce of truth in that, but it’s not being broken or fucked up. It’s just being real. But, I also know that at some point some form of healing has to take place so that trust that’s been so distorted and non-existant can start to grow. I get really close, sometimes I read the things I write and I’m like, “Mercedes, you’re finally getting it!” But then I wind up covered in fucking snot again with my heart on my floor, having nightmares about being left by my mother or molested countless times as a child or any of the other stuff I’ve had to deal with.
And here I sit wondering if this time is going to be the straw that breaks the camels back. I wanna know if THIS time is going to be the time that literally breaks me. I want the easy way out…I don’t want to have these fears anymore. No therapist, no medication, no book has been able to keep the pain and fear at bay.
I get into an relationship and BAM. Hiiiiiii demons, you’re right on schedule.
I pretty much came here to meet those demons head on and I wasn’t wrong for thinking that they were going to be waiting for me. I just never imagined that I couldn’t beat them…I honestly don’t know what to do.
There is not one part of me that wants to identify with those “stories” anymore. I feel like that’s all they are. They are some worn-out, old-ass jumbled group of words that hold no meaning. Well, that’s what I want them to be so desperately. But, do they only get talked about to subconsciously remind myself that I’m strong…do I even fucking believe that? Why do I even feel the need to talk about them?
I read a book once that said we seek out in our relationships the repeat of wounds we experienced as children in order for them to heal. I can attest to that, but I’m doing something wrong…obviously. Because I’m not healing, it seems that as time goes on the harder my heart becomes and the less I trust. Universe I need some help.
I knew coming here was going to be life-changing, I knew it was going to force some uncomfortable situations on me and I thought I was ready. I don’t want this god damn guilt anymore, I don’t want this colored lens of abandonment to taint every relationship that I get into and I definitely don’t want to sit here and pretend that life isn’t just straight-up fucking painful some times.
I’m angry. At so many things. At more than one person. I feel like because I have opened the door on my vulnerability and let someone in, that now my trying to deal with shit is being thrown back in my face.
I am not fucking perfect, and yes, like everyone I have my issues but I’ve never felt so centered and feeling like I know what the fuck is going on even though emotionally sometimes I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I’ve owned my craziness. I’ve owned up to the fact that I’m a dramatic little tyrant sometimes, but just want to know that even in the worst of times, when things are said in the heat of the moment that I don’t really mean…well, that the other person is going to be there so we can help each other work out our issues.
But pride and the ego are mood killers. They even kill relationships too. At what point do you just shut-up, tell them what they want to hear and be done with it?
I don’t know, Mercedes. I really don’t. All I can tell you is to sit in this moment right now and feel all of it. You can try and read another mind-numbing article or watch another feel-good movie but it’s not going to take away what you’re meant to feel right this instant. Be still with it and know that the answers you’re looking for are within you. Stop looking outside of yourself.
Healing is already taking place…you know that.