Disclaimer: There will be no spiritually profound realization at the end of this blog post.
Hell to the NO. Actually it’s probably going to be a massive grouping of word vomit telling everyone how much of a shit sandwich my life is right now.
Twice now in my life, I’ve had a particular phrase spoken to me. The first time, “Now that I know you’re not perfect, I think I love you even more”. The second, “It actually makes me feel better knowing that even YOU have bad days.” Both times it was a defining moment. What exactly was defined? Oh you know, that sometimes you just have to cut the bullshit and embrace being a human being.
Anyone that knows me, knows that I am far from perfect. I’ve got my insecurities, faults and stupid life shit just like everyone else. HOWEVER, I am a spirit junkie and most times resort to saying things like, “Oh Universe, you’re teaching me a lesson. There is something very profound and under the surface at work, I’m just going to close my little eyes, breathe in deeply and let all this dark energy go.” When all I really feel like doing is ripping my clothes off hulk style while simultaneously crying and eating a caramel apple with M&Ms all over it.
Sometimes my search for my inner truth and being one with Universe causes me to completely ignore very basic principles. Things suck massive testicles sometimes. LIKE….
1. LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS. Romantic AND Platonic. I fucking miss my boyfriend. I hate not being able to dramatically storm out of the room to make a point when we’re fighting about something. Even though the only reason were arguing in the first place is because it is physically painful to be away from each other. I fucking miss my friends. I even fucking miss my dad’s 6:00 a.m. phone calls that I used to ignore because I’m still sleeping but he still calls because he knows it will wake me up regardless and he really enjoys “grinding my gears”. I’m fucking pissed off that I’ve tried calling multiple people and have yet to get a message saying, “Saw you called, when would be a good time to call you back.” I hate the fact that I have even gotten to the point of having to admit that. People I love, I realize ya’ll have lives but fuck. I now live 7,500 miles away from you, I will not be seeing you next week at volleyball or out in Soulard or at the next holiday or birthday party…THIS IS MY OUTREACHED WAVING ARM TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION. I’M STILL ALIVE AND WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TALK TO YOU. I know I left to fulfill dreams and do adventure-type shit but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss home like a late period. Does that even make sense? Oh well, what I’m trying to say is, it really sucks staring at your lives via Facebook. So yeah…I’m just really incredibly lonely. Need mah frenz. Because some days you get a massive chocolate craving so you go to the store and buy a little chocolate cake in a plastic wrapper, unwrap it, go to take a huge bite only to find mold all over it and you just want to tell one of your friends because your entire week has been a bag of assholes and that moldy piece of cake was the last straw and now you’re crying and wondering what the fuck you’re even doing in Guam and you just REALLY NEED A FRIEND TO CYBER DRINK WITH YOU and make you forget about that shitty piece of cake. Because you just want to stop feeling so lonely and so god damn sorry for yourself.
2. I hate the fact that since I’ve been here I’ve been experiencing the WORST writer’s block to date. Why? I have no fucking idea why. I’m a writer…that’s what I do. But for whatever reason, I can finish about 400 words of something and then the motors shut down. Yeah, that’s really awesome considering I’m here to be filling the blog with epic shit AND writing a book. Since I’ve been here, I’ve been punched in the face by a korean baby with one gold tooth, had “Chomorro Punch” thrown in my eye from some Japanese punk 12-year-old, given myself a lifetime full of scars, have discovered I’m afraid of the really big fucking Unicorn fish we have in the swim-through aquarium and have only actually written a whole lot of nothing. If I wanted to write a story about a chick who moves to Guam and ends up writing the book, “The Real World: Guam” I would have already done it by now….where the fuck is my inspiration Universe!?
3. I hate that the food is making me ill. My system literally cannot handle all the damn msg and whatever other GMO parasites are now dancing around in my intestinal wall. A person can only eat so many deep-fried spring rolls before the body says, “Go home, you’re drunk.”
4. I despise the fact there’s no familiar smell when I walk into my room at night…ok, scratch that. The smell of chlorine and a hint of lingering febreeze to mask the musky pool smell cannot replace the calming and joyous scent of my home base.
5. I forgot my heating pad and icy hot. The two things that equate to my endometriosis as a thumb equates to an infant. Hormonal rages are even worse when you have nothing in your vicinity that makes it just a little more bearable.
6. There is something so incredibly wrong with how many batteries I’ve used in 3 weeks.
I could list about 11 more reasons why today is the worst day I’ve had since I landed on this island. I could flip the switch and tell you that something small made me realize all the gloriousness and unicorn farts that I’m basking in being here and how I’m thankful every moment of the day. But I’m not. I’m just going to take the advice of my boyfriend, “Just go fucking write a blog post about how we’ve been arguing for 2 weeks” and my roommate “Leave the bullshit out. Write exactly how you feel.”
So in closing, this is how I feel. Sometimes you just need to fucking cry, or be mad, or be jilted, or just have a bad fucking day because…yeah, just because. Sometimes life is not trying to tell you something earth-shattering. Sometimes it’s just reminding you how human you really are and it’s totally ok to lose your shit over not having hot water and then flinging your towel draped self onto your bed and screaming “whhhhyyyy me!?”.