“You have like 12, maybe 13, a year…it’s not like they’re that uncommon.” – Boyfriend (This was his way of saying why are you making such a big deal out of it)

I looked at him with disbelief, possibly blacked out for like 10 seconds because of my inner rage and then I dramatically stormed out of the bedroom yelling “You have no fucking idea how this feels!”

Insensitive and oblivious male responds with, “Yes, I do.”

As I’m stomping down the stairs, I’m thinking, oh so you have ovaries, a uterus AND a vagina that starts gushing blood every month and you know precisely how it feels to be hormonally imbalanced, the sensation of your girl parts being in a meat grinder and having to shove pieces of cotton up your lady hole every 4-6 hours? Not to mention feeling like a beached whale, wanting to cry about every 4 minutes and so desperately wanting to just be held and left the fuck alone at the same time. I was also thinking about how I wanted to punch him in the face  and/or light him on fire.

I have this lovely thing that happens about a week prior to B-day, PMS. Horrific PMS. Aside from the normal ways that cycles screw with your mind and body, I also have endometriosis. That bitch just amplifies everything. So, about a week before the crimson tide comes rushing in, I take a trip to crazy-ville. I’m not saying that to validate the way that men have labeled us, I’m just saying that most women can attest to the fact that we literally feel like we are going crazy because our emotions are all over the place. That doesn’t happen because we are irrational psychopaths. No, our bodies are actually experiencing a major fluctuation in hormone levels that we can’t control which make us seem like irrational psychopaths. Trust me, it would be so much easier to just have a set of balls to scratch when they get itchy.

My boyfriend said to me once, “All girls are crazy. Us guys just have to decide how much crazy is worth putting up with.” I disagree. I think men are so oblivious to the female species that the only logical response to us is that we’re “crazy”. I’m sure if they did some research and googled ‘PMS’ they would see that though periods are “not uncommon”, they are also the thing that makes being a woman really overwhelming sometimes.

But don’t worry boys, we understand.  It would be incapable for you to comprehend what happens with our bodies when you are just walking fart boxes that are fascinated with your own dicks. I mean, I could say, “You’ve had that thing your ENTIRE life, it’s not like it’s uncommon. Do you really need to play with it that much?”

Periods, nature’s relationship barometer. Bottom line, men will never understand. Unless you start spiking their drinks with estrogen, they will never feel the need to empathize and wrap their brains around menstrual cycles, so trying to get them to understand is a moot point. However, using it to gauge a relationship and the type of man you’re with is also nature’s gift to you.

Immature Male – This male can’t even touch a box of tampons. He won’t go to the store and buy them for you and refuses to have sex while you’re on your period because “it’s gross”. He will make faces and utter self-esteem blows when he sees blood stained sheets, panties or will literally freak out and get mad if you jokingly throw a wrapped tampon at him. He will not be smart enough to realize you are in a crucial time of your cycle and will call you crazy and/or a bitch. Instead of asking if there is anything he can get you/do for you while you are laying in bed with cramps, he asks if you will go make dinner. In time, this male will start to grow up but may always remain a prick.

Asshole Male – You wake up in the middle of the night to find that you’ve indeed started your period. Asshole male instead of stripping the sheets and putting on new ones while you stand there embarrassed and humiliated, makes you clean the sheets, with an ice cube and says, “You better not have ruined my sheets”.

Oblivious not-so-immature Male who tries – This type of man knows that when the hormones spike, ice cream gets eaten and emotions are high, he needs to tread lightly. He remembers to ask if you need anything, tries to not say stupid, insensitive things and holds you even when you tell him “don’t touch me”. He’s not void of being a little bit grossed out after a romp session ending in the sheets/towel looking like a small cow had been slaughtered, but he also doesn’t gag and then refuse to make eye contact with you for the next 2 days. Though he may say dumb shit from time to time and not understand why you’re so upset about something that seems so trivial, he makes an effort to comfort you.

Mother must have had the birds, bees and period talk early in life Male – This male is so un-grossed out by periods and tampons he says things like, “Is that a mouse?” as he pulls the string from between your legs, tosses it on the floor and proceeds to go down on you. He’s good at making you feel comfortable about being a lady, but also…he’s probably a vampire.

Gay, doucheweed Male  – ” Ugh. Women are disgusting and vile creatures. Please, anything that bleeds for that long has something seriously wrong with it.” Oops, sorry I knocked your drink out of your hand, dick.

How men react to periods and how they try and navigate through their relationship when their ladies are oozing with raging hormones says a lot about the general nature of your relationship.

Advice: Ladies, COMMUNICATE with your man on what you need. As I’ve learned this week, “I’m not a mind reader. I’m also a dude, I need to be told that you need something from me.”

Dudes: We bleed. Deal with it. Our emotions are all over the place. Try to deal with it by not calling us crazy. If in doubt, shut your fucking mouth, hug us and do something nice. Maybe order/make dinner. If we are bath kind of girls, run us a hot bath and hand us a glass of wine and tell us to go relax. Kiss us on the forehead and ask if there’s anything you can do to make us feel better.

Ya know, treat her like a lady so she doesn’t act like a psychopath and pull a knife on you.

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