What does retardation even mean? Well, according to Urban Dictionary:
“wreg rthyh ujhrh ikg j”
1. Talking like this shows clear signs of retardation.
2. Moving your hands in various unidentifiable motions is a byproduct of having retardation.
Retardation explanation: “wreg rthyh ujhrh ikg j”
Hold up…I’m staring at the screen suddenly feeling the urge to move my hands in “unidentifiable motions” while pronouncing “wreg rthyh ujhrh ikg j”….And now, I feel like I should have recorded that. Pretty sure I just discovered what you should do if someone is hitting on you and you want it to stop.This one time, I got bit by the retarded love bug and this is what it looked like:
6 signs you are retarded “in love”
1. You sacrifice sleep; A lot of sleep – Yeaaaah. If you know me, you know that I don’t sacrifice my sleep or stay out past my curfew unless I’m either A)Making money B) Singing Karaoke or C) A gun is being held to my head. Ever since I was little, I sucked at being a night owl and really enjoyed my beauty rest. So, when I was waking up at all early hours of the morning to kiss someone else goodnight, refusing to sleep until I could fall asleep next to them and waking up prior to getting my routine 8 hours just so I could stare at them all creepily and give them face kisses…well, I realized no amount of exhaustion will keep you from the opportunity to see that person or be next to that person.
2. Your eating habits change – Suddenly, human fuel becomes a bare necessity and if on the off-chance your brain happens to remind your stomach you should probably eat, you’re most likely ordering pizza or some other form of highly efficient grub. Because when it comes to the early stages of love and eating, you lose sight of logic. However, the lack of desire to eat isn’t what really threw me for a loop. It was the fact that I wanted to cook for this person. I may have discussed this in an earlier post but I don’t cook for just anyone. Cooking is one of my ultimate labors of love. It’s something so simple, but it requires a lot of time, effort and TLC on my part because I don’t just cook to cook. Maybe it’s my inner rebel to anything house-wifey related, but my place is not in the damn kitchen, it’s elsewhere, doing way cooler shit than making meatloaf for someone once a week. You’re lucky if I cook for you once, but it if starts happening multiple times, well, I don’t even have to say it. And if you’ve experienced my stuffed french toast, well you should just high-five yourself.
3. You tell strangers how you feel – I’m a huge musical buff and I adore the movie Moulin Rouge. If you recall, there’s a scene where Ewan McGregor breaks out into jovial song atop an elephant statue and sings to all of Paris that he is in love with a hooker. It’s pretty romantic. He looks like a fucking idiot, she is slightly embarrassed, but by the end of the song they’re clasping their hands together and harmonizing each other’s faces off. When you’re in crazy love, you want to do this in some form or another. Before you know it, you’re telling complete strangers about your new-found flavor of emotional pop rocks while waiting in line to mystic tan. You may even walk out onto the front porch of your apartment naked and scream to the neighborhood that you’re in love. Hell, you could even blog about it for the whole world to see. The feelings inside you become so intense and so euphoric that you want to be a humanitarian of some sorts and share it; It feels wrong not to tell people. Then said people start wanting to hit you in the face with a skateboard because you won’t shut up. That’s when you walk into the other room and do a pelvic thrust because nothing they can say will deter you from what you feel.
4. You become the most un-productive piece of shit ever – And your mother would be so disappointed. I don’t really prioritize chores in real life, I just keep everything but my laundry from literally spewing all over my square footage. The bathroom vanity may not be void of remnants of bronzer, but you could probably eat a donut off it if you were drunk. When you’re in love, suddenly you don’t want to do any of that adult stuff. If it’s between grocery shopping for the first time in 2 weeks or spending time with you know who, you bet your ass you’re not going to do the adult thing. Nope, you’re going to lay around in bed for 6 hours engaging in the most gayest pillow talk this world has ever heard. And it’s going to feel so fucking good. The laziness doesn’t last forever though…the logical side of your brain will inevitably turn back on and you’ll get back to normal.
5. It’s not about the sex – You can take the exchange of bodily fluids, raging hormones and desire to make a sweaty skin sandwich together completely out of it and you still legitimately want to hang out with each other. Don’t get me wrong, good sexual chemistry is important, but if you can’t hang out together and thoroughly enjoy it without the sex, it’s always going to be just about the sex.
6. You stop hiding your flaws – A shift occurs in your relationship and instead of trying to solely show the best sides of yourself to your significant other, you allow that person to see you in the light of reality. One day instead of holding your emotions in and trying to act 100% put-together, you feel safe enough to fall-apart in front of that person. You have an omelet meltdown. You literally lose your shit over the egg sticking to the pan and fucking up the prettiness of the omelet. You raise your voice, throw utensils around and possibly cry because you lied and said there were chives in the omelet and not green onions because you know he doesn’t like onions, but you put them in there anyway because it’s impossible to eat an omelet without some form of onion. Fucking ovaries. What I’m trying to say here is, the perfect relationship you two started building when the infatuation and lust took hold has now transformed into a perfectly imperfect relationship. You are now at the point where you trust each other enough to be vulnerable. That’s not the sappy-romance stuff. That’s the glue that’s going to hold this whole thing together.
As I discussed in the prior post, love is different for everyone, so take my list for what it is: My unique and raw experience that I’m sharing with all of you. I won’t tell you that lacking any of those 6 elements means you aren’t in love. That’s just nonsense. However, I do think that you’re smart enough to know which ones really matter.
So what happens when you realize you’re legitimately “sprung”?
Enjoy the ride.