Mine is stellar. So, thanks mom and dad for my great rack. However, I don’t appreciate the stems I’m working with, but I’ll live. Yes, I totally am stroking my own ego AND calling an audible. You don’t get anywhere in life without A LOT of self-love mixed with a little realism, no matter how in the fuck you’re put together.

Why am I talking about my chest and how does it have anything to do with relationships….uhhhh…well, it doesn’t? Yeah, so, ya wanna explain what this blog posit is about, Mercedes? (Clever am I. You got to the second paragraph all because I put naughty words in the title. Imma, imma hustla.)

This blog post is about a term I like to call  “Barbie Goggles “. (Cue the opening instrumentals to “Barbie Girl”) Barbie Goggles are like Beer Goggles, only there’s no alcohol involved. It’s more of a deep seeded belief that as long as someone looks completely perfect on the outside it means they are always going to be fun, smiley and all around amazeballs; Complete with an insane matching proverbial wardrobe that is everything you ever wanted in another person.

Noooope. But hold up. I am in no way shape or form saying that just because someone is put together in a non-value menu fuck burrito that they automatically legitimately suck on the inside and are really a straight up value menu fuck burrito. Ummmm…ole’!  No, silly. The issue is actually with you. Because when you have Barbie Goggles, your motivation and basis for the relationship is solely based on what a person looks like.  Furthermore, unless you’ve spent substantial time cultivating your awesomeness in other areas other than your perfectly hairless and chiseled body, you are going to seek out people who have Barbie Goggles, too. And you my friends, together, are going to suck hard. SO. HARD.

Mercedes, why are you suddenly the expert on Barbie Goggles?

I’m not. I created the phrase so 1. I make the rules and 2. I’ve worn them a time or two. Or twelve, but who’s counting? They are really retarded looking and actually make you look and feel even more retarded after you’ve realized you’ve had them on. So, maybe I’m trying to bring a little awareness and arm you with some knowledge. GAWSH.

Oh, you need more of an explanation?

Let’s revisit a couple of things:

1. I make the rules – Well, that just sounds bratty, especially when I’m trying to help you. Moving on…

2. I’ve worn them a time or two – Oh yes, I have donned the Barbie Goggles with pride many a time. I’m not proud of it, but cheezits and mice I’m grateful I did. Because  now I know that a person can look so shiny and smooth on the outside but be a mess of really sad things on the inside. And guess what? That shiny and smooth exterior and not so great inside? I used to have that. Hence why the people who I was getting involved with, based their relationship with me on the very same thing.

Fast forward to today. Did any of those relationships work out?  No. But with each one, it brought me a little closer to realizing a persons worth, character, talents, struggles, mistakes and life experiences and how they convey them to others are what truly make them attractive.

So, how do you  avoid Barbie + Ken or Barbie + Barbie or Ken + Ken riding off in a pink convertible of fuckery?

1. Refrain from thinking I’m saying “avoid really hot people”.  Actually, you HAVE to have a mutual attraction to someone in order to cultivate something worthwhile. However, the important part isn’t the initial attraction. It’s what happens after the contact is made. If you’re a Barbie Goggle wearer by trade are you going to take the Barbie Goggles off once you’ve found someone who is more than the color of their lip gloss, the car they drive and how close to Ryan Goslings body type they are or are you going to continue investing time and energy in people who only care about appearances and the material things in life?

2. Have  flaws and own them without judgement. And don’t judge the other person for theirs. Barbie Goggles make zero concession for flaws. Because Barbie wasn’t created with flaws. Secretly she’s a demonic slut yelling at babies and shooting up heroine, but she’ll never allow another person to see that. But that’s why you need to take the damn goggles off. If you don’t, you’re gonna end up with a very loud, promiscuous significant other that makes little children cry. Can’t bring that home to mom.

3. Find balance and the yin to your yang. You’re not perfect and neither is your significant other. But just as you both will come up short on certain things, you’re complete as individuals which make a really cool swirly circle thing together that make you and others feel good.

So the moral of the story, find someone with a great nipple to boob ratio. I guess this post really was about boobs…figuratively.

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