The title of this post really has nothing to do with the content…it’s just a catchy little phrase I text-ed to my friend when a random stranger told me I looked like Nikki Minaj.
You haven’t seen me in almost two months. Looking back, I can’t even begin to tell you precisely where I was all that time. Oh wait, it’s coming to me…wait for it…I was dreaming big, taking on way too much and straight up floundering. But, the biggest consumer of my time had to be that I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP.
Duration: Jan 3 , 2013 – March 25, 2013
Premise: Long distance
Who did the breaking: Moi.
Reason for breakup: In his words: “We have very different personalities and perceptions of the world that lead us to repeated conflict.” In my words: “There really isn’t that much importance to why things happened, it’s just that they did.”
I don’t know if he reads my blog. I know at one point in time he said, “I don’t want to read your blog. I wouldn’t want to see something written about me.” However, all humans are curious and sometimes we torture ourselves, especially after break-ups. So D, if you’re reading this, I’ll refrain from detailing our story out of respect for your feelings.
Sigh. I’m not proud of what I did next. Actually it was what I did about 12 hours later. After I hung up the phone, I drove around for an hour. My mind was blank, my body numb and I couldn’t have produced tears if I thought about 1,000 dead puppies. I ended up at a bar with one of my best friends and drank. I drank some more. I scraped my knee from a piggy-back ride gone wrong. I sang karaoke and drank some more. I nonchalantly announced the end of my relationship. I came up with wild ideas, said some really crazy things and avoided the very emotions that were bubbling just under the surface. I was doing my avoidance dance.
I woke up the next morning hung over, completely paralyzed by anger and seriously losing my shit. I’ve never been one to cry over a breakup. Once it’s over, it’s over. Because I know that I did everything in my power to make it work and by the time it gets around to me pulling the plug, I see it as the last “transaction” that needs to take place. How cold, I know. But the morning after the breakup, I woke up feeling things that I had not felt since last year and everything I went through with DB.
And that’s where I tell you the thing I did that I’m not proud of. I called DB. I called him and spewed so much hate and anger. I told him because of what he did to me, he’s ruined it for any guy that may be worth investing in. I told him he truly was the only person I could honestly say I hated. It was terrible. It didn’t feel good to me because I knew I was only feeding his narcissism. As predicted, he said, “There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about what I did to you. You have know idea what it’s done to me. I’m still not over you.” Engage anger round #2. The very things he was saying to me in that moment are the things he was saying to his ex when he was with me. And it made me feel complete and utter sorrow for the woman he’s in a relationship right now. Some days, I feel like contacting her and forwarding her all of the texts he’s sent me, but then I wonder what that would do to her. On one hand, I wish desperately someone would have done that for me but on the other, their relationship is none of my business. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s life. However, I’m human and he is the one person that I would like nothing more than to get revenge on through karma. It is clear to me that I still have some healing to do.
Furthermore, I know the anger I hold really isn’t towards him. It’s towards myself. I know that my entire life I’ve made poor relationship choices. Those choices have hindered me from truly being me. I lose myself in relationships. The reasons for getting into them have gone against my core values and morals at times, but I still have chosen to leap. I haven’t been single or unattached to another person since I was 16 years old. Seeing that in written word is nauseating. It’s always been Mercedes + 1. I haven’t taken the time to cultivate me. Take all of my extra time and give it to myself. I’ve been on the brink of going after certain dreams, but then a guy comes along and those dreams slowly start to dissipate. I must break the cycle.
When I hung up the phone, I bawled my eyes out. I pleaded with the universe to men in black me and make me forget the things that happened in that relationship. It made me despise the word “love” because the only person I truly felt it with was him. I was married for almost 5 years and never felt that with my ex-husband. I was more upset about my dog dying in 2010 than I was about the end of my marriage. It makes me feel like a horrible person. It makes me feel that I must have something so incredibly screwed up in my brain and heart that I could fall in love so deeply with someone who treated me like complete shit, but continually feel uncomfortable and guarded in relationships that are healthy (just not the right ones).
On top of all this emotional turmoil, my endometriosis has come back.
So I have two choices at this point: Sink or swim. Up until this morning, I felt like I was indeed sinking. I allowed myself to break with the weight of my love life, physical issues and career discontent. But the thing about me is, I posses a shit ton of strength. There are times that it’s literally impossible to manifest that strength, but it’s those times that I realize the cracks and world falling in HAS to happen so I’m forced to make a change.
The fact of the matter is: Pain exists to tell you that something is wrong. It is your internal barometer and compass in life. Pain is anything but bad. It may be uncomfortable, but it must occur to experience joy and happiness. So I’m listening to myself. I’m choosing to not do what I have always done, because I sure as heck don’t want what I have always received, from myself and others.