Catchiest pre-cursor I’ve ever heard. Yes, we’re gonna go there. No, not sex silly…exes. One in particular…
I’ve only mildly touched on the events that took place in my last serious relationship. You know, the one in particular that nearly ended me. But what did not in fact kill me, made me a strong mother fucker and forever grateful for heartache and the really shitty things in life. It’s because of all that darkness that I can sit here still breathing with happiness in my soul and a knowing that karma is indeed a bitch, in more ways than one.
The ex in question: I call him DB.
Total time together: 14 months.
When you think about a tornado meeting a volcano, it’s not hard to imagine the devastation it can cause. In no way shape or form did I think things would go the way they did starting out. But as with life, there are twists and turns you never see coming.
I took a risk that fateful spring night that we met for “casual drinks” and no one could have deterred me from diving head first into the chaos. Because you see, when you want something, REALLY want something, you do just about anything to get it. But when you get a taste of something that’s unfamiliar, intoxicating, dangerous and sparks feelings inside that you’ve never experienced before, all while being in a very broken and lost place in life…well, someone ends up sacrificing their dignity, morals and can attach themselves to a very misguided and warped view of love.
I sat on the bed, winding down from the day. It was a Thursday. His Ipad was laying next to me. A few weeks prior he said, “Download some books to read on it”. So feeling in the reading mood and sick of the books on my shelf, I reached over and picked it up. An email notification popped up. I recognized the name, my stomach dropped.
His ex girlfriend. The one who kept texting and called him incessantly the first few months we were together. The ex girlfriend that had her friends facebook stalk me. The ex girlfriend he told me got so drunk and physically violent at his Family Christmas the year prior that she ripped the shirt off his father and punched his mother. Reasoning: In the words of one of his family members “He didn’t propose to her and she thought she was getting a ring.” The stories I had heard about this girl were nauseating. He and his family spoke so poorly of her, her family and anything that ever had to do with the two of them, (Should have been a red flag, but I chose to ignore it) that I asked him why he was with her for so long if she really was that horrible. He could never give me a direct answer.
He always painted himself to be the good person, that all of his exes “we’re crazy and emotionally disturbed.” That Thursday night I found out why…
I froze. Shock overcame my body. I literally started shaking. Hyperventilation took over my breathing.
My first thought: Grab your shit and get the fuck out.
But my body literally would not budge. I tightened up, wanting desperately to pull my knees up to my chest and cradle myself…nothing. My eyes were the only thing that were moving and they were taking in all my bedroom furniture that we had literally days ago moved into his place. We were starting a life together. But there I was staring at an email thread showing me that he was still fucking his ex. Not only that, but telling her how much he missed her and that he was trying to sell his house so he could move, possibly to Chicago to be with her.
I sat there for about 5 minutes, my head spinning, unable to form a clear thought. At that point, fear and denial took over. Inwardly I tried to tell myself there must be some explanation, something I’m missing. Maybe I was reading it wrong. No, it was all there. Never in my life have I experienced a painful slicing in my body such as this. Trauma is a funny mother fucker. It felt like someone had injected a burning poison into my bloodstream and every breath I took, it spread.
Trying to choke through the words a second time sent me straight to my feet. With the evidence in tow, I marched outside to where he was watering the flowers.
“What the fuck…” I shakily blurted out. I was quivering from head to toe. My pupils had to have been the size of golf balls. He saw the look on my face and my general physical appearance and he knew. He stared intensely at me and shifted his body weight.
Trying to appear dumbfounded, he replied, “What babe? What’s wrong?” I threw the iPad at him and I said, “It’s all there in your email. Were you that stupid to not even delete it?” He started skimming through the thread, nervously shaking his head, the veins popping from his neck. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” I shouted and suddenly snapped. My rage burst and I lost it. His face became angry and his shoulders rigid. He glared at me and barked, “Get the fuck inside so the neighbors don’t hear you.”
“I don’t give a fuck about the neighbors, tell me what’s going on.” I stood in the grass outside the house with my arms folded, ready to throw down, ready to crumble, ready to absolutely lose my shit because I had no idea what was happening. For the past six months, it had been a whirlwind romance for the ages. Everything was good. Too good. It all came to a screeching halt in that moment. I suddenly realized that everything up to this point had been a lie. I hung my head.
The adrenaline in my veins started to dissipate and I became extremely tired. I lowered my arms and quietly walked into the house.
In that moment I gave up my soul. I lost myself on that hot August night and gave him the permission and power to spend the next several months chipping away at my existence. I was the only one that could have stopped the head on collision that would happen only months down the road, but I didn’t. Instead, I sat on the tile floor as he twisted words and manipulated my recollection. I stared into his eyes and looked past all the lies spewing from his mouth; I felt trapped but I felt a force in connection with him that I couldn’t walk away from. The darkness began to take over and it would be the only thing I would feel for many months…