I found this little writing tid-bit of mine today. Written circa early 2010.
“Lessons of Life: They come hard, they come fast and sometimes strike and we wonder what in the hell hit us. They also come subtly and gently push us forward And sometimes, unfortunate as they can seem when everything else around you is falling, they change you. They can also cause you to binge drink and get really emotional.
Some respond with “shit, son give me a break”, others with “why me?” and then there are those that you don’t even know they are struggling; they choose to face the storm alone. I’ve tried all three. I’ve tried the hardened sarcasm, only to find the faith in myself slowly crumbling. I tried having a heated conversation with a bigger power and ultimately ending up where I started – confused and still pissed off. I’ve also spent most days taking it upon myself to fix the sadness in those I would die for, rather than recognizing and allowing those who love me to help when I don’t have the energy to help myself.
Through the really dark days and the constant blows this year, I’ve learned so many lessons. Through heartache and sorrow, disappointment and abandonment and overcoming personal doubts and fear, I’ve repeated the third grade. It’s like I’ve re-learned my time tables, struggled with the overwhelming brain overload that is division and won the spelling bee. Despite a road straight out of a war zone forever attached to my heels, little spouts of growth and re-invention are emerging. Swwwweeeeeet.
1. I’ve learned that love really does conquer all – This needs no explanation, but I’ll elaborate anyways. Whoever wrote the bible verse that starts with love is patient and kind must have been through hell and back. Because love IS everything good. Love can look at your faults and the fact that you may be a screw up and still smile at you and want nothing but the best for you. Love can get hurt and be honest about it and work on healing, not run away because things got tough. Love also takes it upon itself to think about others and even if it doesn’t know the right words to say, it is still there. Love is ability to say “I love you” and not expect it back. Love is understanding that people are not superheroes and cannot be 10 different places at once. Love is able to go a few weeks or months being wrapped up in responsibility and the daily things life throws at it, but still come back to you one day as if it was there all along. Love forgives when it’s able and tries to forget, but love is human. Wounds take a while to heal. But love understands this and does it’s best to grow from it. Love is always changing and stays the same. Love learns from mistakes, because love can make them.
2. I’ve learned that just because you expect things out of people and yourself does not mean they will act that way. Actually, it’s probably ingrained in the energy of the universe for them to behave otherwise. – I don’t know how many times I’ve woken up saying this is the day I’m going to fold that laundry and put it away. By the time 5 o’clock rolls around all I want to do is open a bottle of wine and watch glee. Sigh. Though I am a gleek, I am also a retarded responsible adult. Should we stop expecting better things for ourselves and of others even though we know 9 times of 10 we will be disappointed? Absolutely not. Because one day, I found the costume I wore for Halloween TWO years ago the same day that I tore the house apart looking for the gloves I wore with that costume and decided that I needed to put the god damn laundry away. That lasted about a week. A basket of clean clothes is now unfolded hiding out in the spare bedroom and the bottle of zinfandel on my counter has received a whole lot more attention than that laundry. I guess the conclusion I’ve come to is that there is an energy in the universe, and that energy will get you to a breaking point to something you need to do. The same concept can be applied to relationships. A person I hold very dear to me is a habitual late arrival. TO EVERYTHING. But the energy in the universe caught up with this said person and I received an e-mail apologizing to me about all the times I had white knuckles awaiting their arrival. The energy in the universe took it upon itself to present a situation that forced a change of heart and habit. Will it last? Maybe, maybe not. But now that this very loved individual in my life has walked in my shoes for a short time, she might try a bit harder next time I tell her not to be late 🙂 So the conclusion of this lesson is that people will let you down. A lot. You will even let people down. We are not perfect, but don’t ever stop believing the best in people, because the energy around us is capable of turning the light on in the littlest of situations.
3. I’ve learned that is O.K. to walk away from someone and love them from a distance – This was a particularly hard lesson for me to learn this year. I had to learn that detaching from a family member who is willingly self destructing is not me turning my back on them. It’s me having exhausted every ounce of love and help towards them but ultimately having to withdraw. Sometimes no matter what we say or do to help someone, they have to make a decision to get better. Holy difficult thing to do.
4. I have learned that redbull and I do not get along – After a trip to the emergency room and feeling like an asshole for not being able to take myself, I broke up with redbull. Redbull and I are much better off this way. Much appreciation to the one who drunkenly conversed with me and my hallucinations and the other who took care of me and the drunkard. This lesson in particular makes me recall kickball in the third grade and how when playing this game, pavement and I always ended up kissing. How awkward and scared I was. But alas, kickball and I did not break up, I just chose to officiate marriages under the monkey bars instead.
5. I have learned that relationships fade, because it’s just the way things work – There’s a saying about people being in your life for a season. Totally true. I gotta do me, just as others have to do them. No use getting bent out of shape with someone when they suddenly go MIA due to a grueling job, blossoming romance or just because they decide to do things differently. Third grade: Some Heather chick didn’t invite me to her birthday party because the boy she liked, liked me. So, when THIS chicks birthday rolled around, guess what bitch didn’t get an invite. YUP, heather. That’s ok in third grade, when you just miss out on one day of cupcakes and maybe a barbie or really rad coloring book…But I’m not going to let that seep into my adult life. I’ve been guilty of it before, but that’s before I learned this lesson. Take into account life and circumstances and that sometimes people change. Don’t hold it over their head because they didn’t invite you to a party or you didn’t show up for theirs that you have to seek revenge and do the same to them. It’s pretty childish, pathetic and still hurts peoples feelings, even if you aren’t in third grade anymore. So girls, grow up. Save this kind of pettiness for people watching in the bar when you’re drunk and the girls you’re targeting aren’t friends and won’t hear you running your insecure mouth.
6. I’ve learned that what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for you – Stop pushing your ideals on people or judging them if they don’t feel the same way that you do. Just accept someones flaws along with everything else and be thankful that they put up with you. What’s so great about this country is that we have the freedom to feel what ever we want and enjoy whatever we want. Playful banter is acceptable, but don’t cross the line and be a dick. You are entitled to your opinion, but don’t throw it at someone if they didn’t ask. So if your friend does something that you don’t necessarily agree with or puts a bad taste in your mouth, swallow it. It’s his/her life. How many hours I’ve wasted being pissed at someone because for something that didn’t even involve me or was really trivial, is rather disheartening. But I can find relief in that the universal energy caught up with me and let me see first hand how an arrogant and selfish opinion can destroy a relationship and make someone lose all respect for you and well, think you’re a raging bitch.
7. I’ve learned that there’s no use in crying over spilled milk, cuz your husbands going to yell at you for not putting the cap on correctly anyways – So yeah, I just stopped drinking milk, right after I laughed my ass off at how big of a deal people were making that my car smelled like a dead body after I spilled A LITTLE milk in the backseat. I’ve learned that making a joke out of your shortcomings is therapy. Because with every one of my shortcomings, there’s a great story behind it 🙂 Third grade: Travis Jackson made fun of my name one too many times, so I threw him on the ground and punched him. That really has nothing to do with not taking things so seriously, because I totally got detention for that. But good lord punching him and standing up for myself felt freaking amazing.
8. I’ve learned soul sisters do exist – They can leave you hanging, miss one of the most important days of your life because they are selfish, rip you a new asshole for just checking up on them, spend hours bitching incessantly about something they have the power to fix but refuse to, and still be the best friend you’re ever going to have. The people that love you the most are going to be the ones that hurt you the most but the worst is always outdone by the best. They admit when they are wrong, feel like an asshole when they’ve messed up, can feel when something is not right and do everything in their power to build you back up and make you laugh harder than anyone in this world. They get you inside and out and know you better than you know yourself. They are your mentor, your sister and someone you trust your life with. I’ve learned that I am beyond blessed to share a soul with a friend like that in my life and that I don’t need a million in a half friends to feel loved, valued, appreciated and needed. I’m not in third grade anymore and not everyone is my best friend. I’m realistic in my adulthood and would rather have a few very special people in my life than a few thousand. Because it’s those few that you can call when your vision is blurred with tears and snot running out of your nose because you have to put your dog down and the pain of losing her hurts more than anything. That friend understands that your dog was a part of your family and shares in your sorrow. Those few friends are people that show up at your house unannounced and force you to play out in the rain to get your mind off the crappy things you are going through. Those friends love laughing with you and the stories you share together are the things good books are made of. Those friends have impacted you more than your own family with their words, compassion and dedication to being in your life. You may not always see eye to eye and you may piss each other off from time to time, but there’s no one else that you would rather want to get drunk with, receive a penis birthday cake from, go on vacation with, play I’ve never with, get beaten with hulk gloves by, sit in a bathtub fully clothed with, overdose on green tea with, and call when you need to talk. Those are your soul sisters. Let them in and have the time of your life with them. Though others in your life bring you happiness and great memories too and you should build on those relationships too, the ones you can rely on make you better and can handle your craziness and do it willingly 🙂
9. I’ve learned that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing – Allow yourself a break from things if you feel smothered or caged. Go ahead and get wasted by yourself on wine, whilst running around the house in just socks and dancing to Kesha. Sing the most annoying song at the top of your lungs whenever you want. Your very straight laced and un-musical significant other may look at you weird and shake his head, but secretly you made his day. And everyone likes songs about losing a hairbrush 🙂 Perhaps maybe this lesson goes along with not taking yourself too seriously or maybe it’s just that this lesson means so much. I never want to be someone else and want to feel like I’m getting everything out of life I can. If it requires me to set down the determination and goals and hair brained ideas and pick up acting a fool and being silly, I’m on it yo.
10. I’ve learned that the only time table you can follow is your own – There will ALWAYS be people in your life who think you are going too fast or too slow. Who cares if you are. You learn by trial and error. You also are your own person and do things completely different than the person on your left and on your right. So embrace who you are and what you want in life. You do what YOU want and don’t change your mind because you’re worried what others think. In third grade I heard the older kids on the bus saying the word” screw”. So the next day at recess I screamed “screw” at the top of my lungs just because I could. Some stupid nerd of a sixth grader grabbed my arm and told me that was a bad word. What did I say to her? “Screw you”. I do what I want bitch. But then I ran away fast without paying attention to where I was going and bashed into a tether ball pole and ended up with a concussion. So i guess the universe decided I needed to learn a lesson.
Never be opposed to learning. The way we learned when we were young is how we learn today. It may take us recalling flashbacks from the third grade to derive the lesson, but most of the time nostalgia is a great thing. Though this year is not over for me and I will most likely have more instances that require examination, I know I’m living, learning and growing. And, I’ve upgraded “screw” for a smaller word with more impact ;)”
Three years later and my undercurrents run strong…but DAYUM how things have changed.