We’ve all heard the dreaded phrase. It usually follows a week of non-stop texts, hour long phone calls, or a set of really fantastic few dates with a special someone.
Then, all of a sudden: YOU GET FUCKING GHOSTED. You spend a few days wondering what the hell happened, or re-living every conversation or checking every text to see if you said something wrong. Time passes and you finally get to the point where you really could give a shit less if the person that dropped off the face of the earth ever contacts you again…then they re-surface. The explanation: “I’ve been really busy”.
Advice: Pass go, do not collect $200.00. Instead, go grab a drink with someone on Park Place that actually wants to invest time in you. It doesn’t really matter what lead the person that ghosted you to in fact ghost you, but actions speak louder than words. Pulling out on communication is all the proof you need to throw the pudding out.
I’ll admit, I’ve probably done it more than it’s been done to me, but both sides are not pleasant.
If you’re the ghoster: Only narcissists/misogynists enjoy hurting other people, let’s hope you’re neither of those. But,if you’re somewhat normal and suck at letting someone down aka friend-zoning them, like I do, this situation can feel nauseating. Cue the only thing you want to do is throw newspapers over the spilled milk of hurting someone else’s feelings that’s staring you in your heart-breaking little face. Because I suck BALLS at confrontation, I do the fade out and then when the other person has reached out I use the tried and true line, “I’m sorry, I’ve been really busy.”
Is it fair? No. Should I own the situation and be more honest? In a perfect world, yes. But, I’ve learned through trial and error, it’s best to just leave the person wondering what happened. Sounds harsh, but the dating world is hard ya’ll. If they are strong, possess confidence and are secure in the fact that they are worthy enough not to chase something down that’s trying to run away, then they’ll be OK with the unknown. At some point, we all need to stop being fucking babies and accept things for what they are.
Shit happens. Things stop clicking. Red flags and deal breakers, no matter how shallow or insignificant they seem to another person, serve as your relationship bible. Someone ends up being the asshole no matter what the circumstances are…Stop caring so much. That’s not me saying don’t give a flying fuck about the other persons feelings, but really ask yourself what good is it going to do stressing out about it. 9 times out of 10 you telling a person you don’t want to date/hang-out/talk anymore and you giving the honest truth will make you look like the asshole.
Real life examples of why I stopped dating someone and went into ghost mode:
- Smoker – I do not date smokers. It’s a deal breaker I will not budge on.
- He had “too big” of a package – Ummmm yeah. It had recurring yeast infection written all over it. Seriously, it was trophy case worthy and I was afraid of it.
- He was the furthest thing from masculine I’ve ever seen – Boys, if you don’t have a vagina, don’t act like one.
- He called three times in a row – Every girl needs to be pursued, but fucking play it cool guys. I straight up run from clingyness.
- Gut instinct – Your intuition is your best friend. 100% of the time I’ve had an initial “reading” about someone but still have chosen to give them the benefit of the doubt, they always end up proving themselves and my assumptions right.
- He told me that I shouldn’t waste my money on getting my toes done and then proceeded to bitch about money every time we talked – Ehhhhh. If I enjoy getting my feet prettified, I’m gonna fucking get my feet prettified. Aside from the toes though, this one had serious negativity issues with almost everything. RED FLAG.
Now, if I had tried telling any of these men the exact reasons why I no longer wished to date them, I would seem like a cold-hearted bitch. Also probably a little picky. I can guarantee you the guy wouldn’t say, “Gee, Mercedes, I really appreciate you telling me this. I think you bringing to light my shortcomings will help me be a stronger and smarter man in my next relationship.” HARDLY. The last time I tried telling someone why in fact we did not work out, I did it intoxicated. Telling someone they are selfish and arrogant on Christmas Eve probably isn’t the best way to go about getting on the horse of blatant confessionals.
If you’re the ghostee: Enter bashed ego, rumination of all personality traits and analysis of what could have went wrong. I will give the same advice to you little ghostee…stop caring so much. Have the ” next” mentality. The next one is only getting you closer to something that’s worth your time and energy. Whatever the real reason for the dissipation of communication and face-to-face time is really nothing you need to be concerned with. Don’t cry over that spilled milk, just look past it and on to the next. REALLY think about whether or not you really want to know the REAL reason you’ve been left in the dust. You could be sabotaging things, coming off really needy and emotionally immature or you could just straight up smell bad. Whatever the reason, it would probably be safer to ask a friend their take on what you could be doing wrong rather than the almost lover telling you. Then that cuts the ties and you’re not tempted to “prove them wrong” and chase them.
There’s no secret science to this crap. Actions speak volumes. Pay attention to what’s going on. Bottom line: We invest time and energy in the things we want. It goes with anything in life, especially in relationships. So when someone says, “I’ve been soooo busy.”, well, now you know what it means. If General Patraeus found time to cheat, anyone can find time to keep the communication lines open.
I was given sound advice once: “Mercedes, you’re going to get the best out of someone right out of the gate. Pay attention. If something bothers you, listen to your instincts. That shit will only get worse when you’re married. You either accept it and make a decision to love them regardless, or you walk. Life is too damn short.” She was right. Most everyone puts on their best performance early on. It’s all downhill from there. Which is why I’m a HUGE advocate of being exactly who you are upfront. It separates the weak from the strong and everyone wastes less time.
So, whether you’re faced with having to pull out of something that you’re just not feeling or you’re on the receiving end of someone pulling out on you, (haaa) well, we’re all too fucking badass to care, right? If only we could all be crazy confident in ourselves 24/7…But, we ARE human and have this little thing called an ego. We should probably check it once in a while though and realize the importance of fade outs. Whether it’s being done to us, or we’re doing it to someone else, they are very telling indicator that we probably should be “too busy” loving ourselves and our life to worry about why someone doesn’t want to invest time in us anymore. But if we have to be the bad guy, feel guilty for a few seconds but then put your faith and trust in that other person being strong enough to realize you weren’t right for each other anyways.
And if you are indeed the bad guy that could start a haunted house with all that ghost action, it could have nothing to do with your high standards, it could be because you are in fact just an asshole, but we’ll discuss that in a later post. 😉