Alright, I’m gonna go into confession mode for a sec…
The past few days I’ve been in a funk. Like the funk that keeps you awake at night because something is ridiculously aggravating and stirring inside and you can’t put your finger on it. The funk that also makes you want to do nothing but eat cookies and milk in bed at 8:30 p.m. on a Friday night. The kinda funk that despite my otherwise cheerful, positive and seeing the bright side of things no matter what, I was straight up depressed.
I know exactly what it is.
I don’t do well with just sitting still and I have crap pumping through my veins that I either have to write about or just send that energy out into the world. Whether that’s talking with a friend or grabbing a drink and talking about nonsense or interviewing a complete stranger for the blog, I just have to be moving. I’m also one-focus driven. It’s REALLY difficult for me to multitask when I’ve got my passions in the forefront. So, I have to literally force myself to just slow the eff down, take a look around and be still. Haaaaaaa. Or my best friend calls me out on being aloof, detached and unable to be in the same room with her.
Well, I reached a point of craziness and I snapped this week. The week started off just plain dumb. I spent Tuesday night after work drinking beer in the bathtub and feeling just a tad “weird” about circumstances in my life in general. AKA being alone for the holidays. That general aura just seemed to follow me throughout the days and I hit a wall on Friday. All excitement about my favorite holiday was zapped, I needed to be wrapped up in someone else’s arms telling me to “go ahead and act like a girl for five minutes and then let’s go get pizza” and I guess as a whole, I was just having one major pity party for myself. Totally hawt, right?
We all go through it. We all have those moments where we want to throw ourselves on the ground and just have a temper tantrum. If you are saying, “No I don’t.” YOU ARE LYING. As my best friend says, “You can’t be on 100% of the time”. Well, I try to, god damnit. People can feel your energy, you can’t help but not rub off on people. That’s just the way things work. I’d rather give off really good vibes than really shitty ones. Hence why I have to go into hiding if I’m not feeling stellar; But something really cool always follows these shit-tastic moods…
For me, the Universe does this really cool thing. It lines things up almost the exact second that I think I’m going to lose my damn mind or it comes through with a certain phone call, text message or kind word from someone to just zap those feelings of negativity and reminds me just how wonderful life really is. Almost like a smack in the face with a megaphone shouting, “Hey Mercedes. Look how great your life is. You’re alive. You’re pretty. You have friends. You have a great job. And a nice rack. STOP projecting and just be present!”.
Well, this time it was Instagram that seemed to be the Universe’s vehicle of choice. Monday through friday the first thing I do when I open my peepers is read my personalized “Note from the Universe”. Then I usually take that energy and conjure up something to share with everyone else and post it on FB. On the weekends, I usually open Instagram first thing. That’s precisely what I did at 7:45 this morning. The first picture I see is of one of my friends holding the hand of one of her patients with the comment, “Having a hard time leaving work tonight, my favorite patient probably won’t make it through the weekend”. Cue all feelings of discontent and passivity to life to magically dissipate.
Dude, I cannot express to you how in that very moment I felt blessed. I felt warmth and that this life is beautiful, simple, full and amazing if you pay attention to the things that matter. A man who has no time to experience the real and raw moments in life, to a hold the hand of the ones he loves and be still long enough to create a perfect silence with someone is a man who will never grasp the sole reason we were put on this earth.
How one little moment someone else feels compelled to share with the world can change a heart. I would be an idiot not to take that within myself…and then blog about it.
It seems as these revelations are given to me, I learn some lesson as well. The Universe is my greatest mentor/teacher and I find that when I go into myself and allow myself to be open and really stop and pay attention to what’s going on around me, the greatest gifts of life are staring right there for me to receive.
Take for instance what transpired a couple short hours after my moment of awakening via instagram this morning. I’m apartment shopping and I go out to my car to see someone has hit the bumper. Who knows when it happened. It could have been weeks with as much attention I pay to the exterior when getting in and out. Sigh. In a quick moment I wanted to scream. I sent a couple of text messages to rally the validation of my “Can you believe this shit!?” feelings, but then something came over me. I laughed. I literally laughed out loud and said thank you. Thank you Universe for this glorious hole in my bumper.
I thought about the picture I saw this morning and the hands of an old woman about to end her story, clasped around the hands of a young woman, such as myself. Slow down, Mercedes. Pay attention to the things that matter, Mercedes. Love, Mercedes. And be open to receive love, Mercedes. Also, the hole in your bumper just gave you a blog post and the realization that the material things in life are not what brings you peace, calm and happiness.
So an IDGAF bumper sticker will be going over that awesome little hole for a while. Like everyone else, I gots bills. But I also have the clarity that some “shit isn’t worth trippin’ over”.
Universe, thanks for these moments and always having my back. I hope you like my love letters.