A few weeks ago, in the midst of casual bar conversation, a dude looks at me and says “Would you ever bleach your asshole?”.

I took a sip of my drink and proclaimed, “ABSOLUTELY.”

“WHAT?! Why?” He said laughing. I kind of gave him one of those disapproving looks. He’s all over there pretending to be surprised at my response and I’m all over here like fucker, you’re just being your button-pressing male species, so don’t play it off like you don’t know what I was going to say.

I took another sip of my drink, gave him the IDGAF shoulder-shrug and said, “Everything on a girl should be pretty.”

“Ok, I can respect that.”

Waaaaaaaait a minute. Why is it shocking that I would go through the trouble of prettifying my back door if it makes me feel better? I mean don’t get me wrong, sometimes I go days at a time without shaving when no one is going to see the stems and other regions that normally don’t get sunlight this time of the year. But my comment on girls parts should be pretty at all times, I believe 100%. When it comes to showing them to other people.

I look at it this way. If I was propositioned to have sex with Ron Jeremy for one million dollars, I wouldn’t fucking do it. He has the MOST disgusting set of balls ever. I saw a porno once and he was sitting in a chair and it looked like his ball sac was a hot mess of indian food covered in chocolate mesh wrapping. Not hawt.

Most of us don’t have to pay people to have sex with us, though some of you probably do or have paid to have sex with someone else, but I don’t judge. I like the way it feels knowing that someone wants to have sex with me for free and I don’t have the luxury of making millions of dollars every time someone does, so if my shit looks like something you’ve played “kamikaze smoothie with the contents of the refrigerator”, I will go through the hassle of putting chemicals on it so I don’t get some crazy locker-room nickname. But if you’re into that sort of sick crap, well, that’s just unfortunate.

But, because the world does not revolve around me and my opinions, I took to the polls.  7 of my friends got in on the action and here’s what they said to the above referenced question:

1. “One, I imagine, ow! Two, who’s really paying that much attention anyway?” (Me. I pay that much attention. But that’s probably because I’m a little weird and I also want to have something to throw in your face should we ever get into a down and dirty fight and I need to pull out the big guns. Cuz you know, making fun of someone’s asshole is away to really cut em’ down.)

2.”Probably. Had this chat with the boy. Lol, but he likes my butt. And to make it purty! But I’m not like thinking it’s bad or anything.  But you think about these things when your ass is in the air or in someone’s face ya know?” (Agreed, lady.)

3. “Hmm. Yes if it needed it because I don’t want someone thinking a turd is slipping out while down there.” (Holler.)

4. “I heard it can be dangerous. Not sure what the scary health complications could be but I’d do it for the same reason I wax. Asthetics.” (Chest bump.)

5. “Ummmmmmm probably not. I’m ok with its color.” (Yours must be unicorn pretty. Lucky.)

6.”Hell no!” (Respect all the way.)

7. “Is everyone doing it? Just kidding. Yes.” (Why would you not…)

5 to 3. So what about the rest of you, would you bleach your asshole? Guys, does that kind of thing do it for you or are you indifferent and or/ turned off?