Call it battle of the sexes or things that get lost in Translation when talking about men v. women. Call it whatever you want, but I know one thing, the differences between men and women and what we don’ t know about each other definitely are not because “Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars.”

Nope. It’s solely because Men have penises and Women lack an extra appendage we can swing around and run into walls if we so choose, (Which is something I’ve been saying for years that I would do if I ever had one) thereby resulting in us not getting school-kid distracted and being able to focus on the task at hand.

In all seriousness though, we are two completely different species hands down. I have interview questions and answers to prove it. If you could only see some of the factual data I’ve gathered. I may have to give this whole relationship and Men v. Women research project up for Lent. Jesus is starting to get jealous.

Let’s focus on my sex for this one. I asked several men to give me some questions they’ve always wanted to ask. Not surprisingly, it either took way too long for them to come  up with anything halfway decent or they said one too many “lols” and  I got aggravated. SORRY. Pet peeve of mine. In the words of one of my homies, “Sucks ta suck.”

Fortunately though, I had a few good sports dedicated to my cause. So, I asked a group of women to anonymously answer the following questions; Boys, pay attention.

Question 1: What’s your age?

1. 26

2. 40

3. 27

4. 32

5. 28

6. 37

7. 21

8. 26

9. 29

10. 30

I figured this would be a pretty good base. From the research I’ve discovered that answers vary in great detail depending on age groups of 20, 30 and 40 and as you can see there’s a pretty good range of numbers. The answers are pretty intriguing. 😉

Question 2: How many people have you slept with?

1. 5

2. Ummmmm…A few.

3. 9

4. 22

5. 13

6. Quit counting at 40

7. 13

8. 10

9. 15

10. 43

Question 3: Number of times you masturbate per week?

1. Not regularly

2. 0-1

3. 2

4. Maybe once

5. 3

6. 15-20

7. 4

8. 3-4

9. 1

10. 5

Question 4:  Name something you do in the bathroom that the opposite sex would be shocked to know?

1. Masturbate

2. Pee in the shower

3. Examine my cooter

4. Shave my mustache

5. Blow another person out of my nose. Allergies suck.

6. Dye my eyebrows

7. Fart

8. I put on my makeup, text, check FB, etc. on the toilet

9. Pluck errant nipple hairs

10. Pee in the shower

Any of you shocked? We’re human too.

Question 5: Have you ever experimented SEXUALLY with the same sex, how many times and if not, would you consider?

1. Yes. Once.

2. Yes. 4.

3. No. I think women are beautiful and I am definitely an admirer but not sexually interested.

4. Yes. A couple of times.

5. Yes. More than fifteen times.

6. I kissed a girl and I liked it.

7. I have not, but considered.

8. Yes. Several times. Then I switched teams because it was so good. Boys, be intimidated.

9. Yes. 3 times.

10. Yes. 7 or so times.

Now comes the time where I need to reiterate the fact that this survey was completely anonymous and I have no clue who took this. NO, I don’t have names and numbers and even if I did, that’s girl code, bro.

Questions 6: What factors determine how long you wait to sleep with someone, and by which date does it usually happen on?

1. Never on the first date if there’s potential to date. But based off chemistry, it could be the next night.

2. My attitude and booze.

3. No factors really. If I like them I will sleep with them. Depends on how I feel.

4. Depends on chemistry. In my experience it’s happened on the 2nd or 3rd date. Oops :/

5. Depends on the person. 1-3 dates, maybe 4.

6. Just depends on if I’m attracted to them. Ist date plenty of times.

7. It depends on emotional connections. Sometimes it’s immediate and other times it takes longer.

8. Depends on the person and connection. On average, if things are going well, 3rd or 4th date. I have no fucking clue how to even date though because I’ve had like 6 months here and there in the past decade to dabble.

9. Always waited (except one) because I wanted the relationship to be more than sex.

10. Just depends.

As you can see, it just depends on how cool of a dude you are and if you haven’t completely bombed. It ain’t all about morals. 🙂

Question 7: What one thing do you wish men would just get about women?

1. That women can say one thing and within a matter of seconds COMPLETELY change their mind.

2. Women cry a lot. For no reason. Get over it.

3. Stop asking what’s wrong after I say nothing is wrong.

4. We wanna feel special, like we are the one person in the universe that do something that no other can for that person. That when our tits are down to our knees and our ass has actually become concave we still need to feel beautiful–even if you have to lie. because your balls will be scraping the ground as well.

5. Everything. 🙂

6. We change our minds a lot.

7. Maybe we just want to have sex too.

8. Freaking focus more on the foreplay! We love foreplay!

9. We have lots of feelings…get over it.

10. Sometimes we just want to have sex with you and not do it again.

We’re chicks. Sooooo different from you. So get the hell over it, more foreplay, less whining and criticizing us about our “feelings” and just let us act like Women.

Question 8: You know you do gross shit from time to time. Name some of them. (Warning: Boys you still take the cake on being disgusting creatures but you may ruin whatever perfect image of women you have if you read the answers to these questions)

1. Fart and fart loud and long. Shave my ass. Check out my vagina in the mirror. Look at my asshole in the mirror. Shave my ass crack. Eat food that’s been left out for days. (Dude, sounds like some of my exes. High five on the honesty!)

2. Pick my nose, scratch my ass crack, look at my poop.

3. Pick boogers and every god damn thing thats pickable on my skin. Smell my fingers when they’ve been places.

4. Fart, but really stinky ones. Good thing they are silent and i have a dog.

5. Pick my nose?

6. Fart, pick my nose, pee in the shower.

7. Reach up inside during a shower to feel like I really got it clean. (You realize I’m probably going to get messages asking me who you are so they can get a demonstration, right?)

8. Um, see my answer about the shower. Plus throw in some wedgie picking and sit pooping (You know, as opposed to standing) in addition to regular bodily functions and I’m a dude.

9. Fart & burp. Chew my nails.

10. Pluck my nose hairs with tweezers

This may have been my favorite set of answers. I can totally picture some of you boys making gagging sounds and turning your heads in shame…and then yelling at your buddy to “come see this shit”. For those of you boys that wanted the answer to these questions, well here you go. Get over it.

Question 9: What is something that a guy has done in the sack that has totally turned you off? What about on?

1. Make lame jokes! That’s not the time to be funny! That or rub what they think is the clit…and it’s totally not the clit. Or they try to rub the clit real fast…and it’s totally not the clit or just isn’t awesome. As for on, spooning/pushing their hard on onto me, sometimes with that grabbing my hip and or shoulder. Looooove that.

2. Off- growled at me. On – a little bit of a choke.

3. Off: Not being 50/50. Licking only my vagina like a retarded tween that just discovered genitals and ignoring my clit. Realizing that you are actually all the sudden playin a stand-in role in their fav porno scene in their mind and you are totally disconnected from them mentally. Feeling like it’s all a means to an end in their head and getting off is the only thing that matters so lets cut to the chase and forget all the fun stuff–anticipation, lust, passion. ON: Passion. Energy. Awareness. Consideration. Fun. Spontaneity. Fun. Humor. Confidence. Fun. Freshly showered skin. Fun. Knowing when to be tender and when to be rough and balancing those. and Fun.

4. Licked me like a dog laps water….get out…I’m out.

5. Talked too much! “oh yeah, oh yeah! Feels so good! Yeah!” Shut up already!

6. Off- Made it all about him and didn’t seem to be interested in what could be turning me on. On- Asking what he could do to make sure it was just enjoyable for me and most definitely doing his homework to try new things!

7. Turn off – slobber, lick in my ear. Turn on – touch me on the outside of my clothes on my nipples.

8. Chewed gum like it was a tough piece of steak, almost every time.

9. Not taking his time or finishing before me. Lots of things turn me on.. When a guy takes his time, talks dirty, gets excited fast, wants to explore new things.

10. On – Told me to cum on on his cock.

Feel free to take notes boys. These ladies aren’t messing around. We know what we want, how we like it and how you could stand to do some research of your own. I also have a strange sense that your significant others are going to want to send me an edible arrangement for this. You’re welcome.

Question 10: What is the craziest thing you’ve done sexually?

1. Off the top of my head – A Foursome.

2. Orgies.

3. Well shit, I like to think I’m this crazy sexual being but I guess I don’t have that many even halfway crazy stories compared to the pornos I watch. I guess just my standard threesome?

4. Threesome and ass to mouth.

5. Anal.

6. We will make this easy. I don’t feel like typing it all out. Anal will be the winner.

7. I’ve had sex outside next to a busy highway at night during a blackout in a strangers yard.

8. Two different guys in one night.

9. Anal while being tied up.

10. Sex while driving.

Happy Holidays, Fuckers. I hope you thoroughly enjoyed the scene that I just set for your next whack off session. Use cocoa butter, I heard it’s the best. 😉