I walked into the bar with a mission, a notebook and a black sweater on. What follows that statement is verbatim, all true and is hours of research, laughs and the realization that maybe we’re all a little fucked up, jaded and clueless when it comes to relationships. Side note* This will be a series of blog posts called It’s Just Girl Talk v. It’s Just Locker Room Talk (Blog Version of my article).
It was a Thursday night at a local bar in my neighborhood. The football game was about to start and the environment was ripe with what I needed to get this little research stint off the ground. I sat down at the bar. The guy to my right was getting after a chicken quesadilla like it was going to be his last meal for 3 days. Two chairs down from me sat two dudes completely engrossed in conversation and their miller lights. The bartender set a napkin in front of me and asked me what I wanted to drink.
“Draft Blue Moon and a shot of Patron…chilled”.
The guy to my right kind of perked up. A chick with a pen and paper and ordering shots of tequila can’t be up to anything good. Or anything that has to do with football.
Enter scene: Drinks. I took a deep breath, went to my happy place and threw back the tequila. After the full body shake wore off and I successfully mind fucked myself by saying “that tasted splendid”, I picked up my citrusy beer and took a huge sip.
Enter dialogue of dude to the right.
“Soooo…what’s with the notepad? I don’t think you’re here to watch the Dolphins OR the Bills.” He said with curiosity.
I giggled and said, “Yeah, you’re right about that. I know I look like a die-hard Dolphins fan but I could care less about football. I’m actually writing an article, so I’m here doing research. You wanna answer some questions?”
“Ooooooh god.” Moaned the one on the left closest to me. “How much more do I need to drink to do this?”
I laughed and said, “There’s zero pressure. I’ll be asking you relationship questions and opinions on women. You don’t have to answer or elaborate on anything you don’t want to. Deal?”
He reached for his beer, took a drink and said, “Fuck it, why not. I’m down.” His friend looked a little squeamish and said, “I’ll let him answer the questions, I don’t think I even want to go there.”
That was fine by me. I only needed one opinion on the questions at this point in my research, so he could continue to be a baby about it all he wanted. Plus, I secretly knew deep down he wouldn’t be able to resist jumping in on some of these questions. At some point, everyone wants their opinion heard about something. Add alcohol to a female/male conversation and not many people stand sideline muted and non-verbal for long.
Through my initial questions, I learned that this guy was Russian (explained the accent), 33 and a Libra. Seeing as he lost his virginity his freshman year of college, he had a relatively low number of sexual partners for a guy: 12. According to him most men need to orgasm once a day.
As he explained, “It’s like your keys. You don’t leave the house without them. And I can’t do shit very well if I haven’t gotten off, like drive. That’s why I need the keys.”
Ok, I guess if I had a penis I would get that correlation. His friend chimed in and rolled his eyes at the response and said, it’s more like 3 times a week. The Russian cut him off and said, “That’s coming from the guy who’s only slept with 3 people in his life.”
I said, “Oh yeah? Why the low number?”
The guy kinda lowered his head and said he didn’t have sex until his senior year of college. I was shocked. His friend started to razz him and you could totally tell they had been BFFs for while. I giggled and then moved on with the questions.
Though, I think he was a little jaded from being in prior bad relationships and just knocking up his girlfriend, he actually had some pretty good points.
“What do you think the best part about a new relationship is?” Russian dude took a deep breath, leaned back on his bar stool and said with a serious look and shake of his head, “I think being single gives you energy. I mean you can work all day, go home and get ready for a date, stay out all night, fuck all morning and then be fine until things start to get serious. Being in a relationship sucks all of the energy out of you and that fucking sucks.”
His friend raised his beer and they toasted. He went on further, “Relationships are just like a job sometimes. You have to bite your tongue. Even though I really want to go tell my boss to fuck off almost every other day, I would get fired if I did. If I told the same thing to my girlfriend when she was annoying the shit out of me, I would no longer have a girlfriend. For me, having a girlfriend outweighs being single any day”. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t have to do much prying on this one. I think maybe he needed to get some things off his chest.
They both had never experimented sexually with the same-sex and would never consider it. I got the look of a crazy woman when those questioned were asked. Ha. Typical response. So I said, “If it’s completely grotesque for two dudes to be together, why is it earth shattering when two women are?”
He gave me a serious side glance and said, “I don’t stare at myself and rub my body down because I have tits that I HAVE to touch. I also don’t look at another dude and want to do the very same thing. It’s just not ok. I don’t care if it’s a double standard or not. Two chicks being anywhere near each others mouths or any other body part is ingrained into our brains to be something we really wanna see.” I was furiously writing as he was talking.
“Ok, well since we’re on the subject, would you say that’s your top fantasy?” Russian Dude: “Two chicks kissing with my dick in between is good enough for me. The rest is just wasting time.”
I was giggling at this point. I’m just assuming that this is how guys all talk to each other, awesome. I looked at his friend and said, “What about you? What’s your #1 fantasy?” He puffed up a little and smiled, “French Maid outfit for sure” his friend chimed in, “This is coming from the guy who’s only slept with 3 people”.
“Alright, what percentage of men do you say cheat?” He took a swig of his beer and said, “I would say 80 percent of men cheat. Some of us learn our lessons and really do stay faithful when we meet the one, but sadly most of us don’t”.
I looked at his friend, “Are you in agreement?” He sheepishly looked at his friend, then me and said, “I think it’s more like 50%.”
The Russian went on to say, “Nothing good happens after midnight. I don’t care how strong you think your self-control is. If there’s alcohol involved and a wiling vagina, you’re gonna do it. If you don’t want to cheat, don’t put yourself in that situation.”
“So that’s why you’re at a bar on a Thursday night downing beers and talking to me?”
He gave me a look of displeasure and said, “You look like a journalist in Afghanistan. You need to show cleavage if you want to attract a dude. You walk in here in your glasses, that black sweater and a notebook. I took one look at you and didn’t want to fuck you. Maybe play hangman with you, but not fuck you.”
I laughed and said, “How nice of you. What if my class is half my charm?” “Well I guess I’m not into the classy chicks. But I do like the glasses.”
“Can men and women just be friends?” With an honest answer he said, “If there’s no sexual intent then I’m not really interested in being friends. I have a girlfriend to meet all my needs. At some point someone is going to get jealous and I don’t think it’s worth having a friendship with another chick unless everyone is hanging out together.”
“How long do you think it takes to really get to know someone before you make a decision that it’s it for you and you wanna put a ring on it or break up?”
Russian Dude: “Most girls are fake until a year and then they are just crazy. If you don’t like sports, don’t say you like sports because you want to impress me. Just be upfront and honest and find your own things to be passionate about. You really think that I’m gonna get all warm and fuzzy inside and want to cuddle you when the game is on because I’m so happy you like the same things I do. NO bitch, I’m gonna watch the game. The more you are yourself in a relationship, the less time I have to spend finding out the real you. The earlier you show me what I’m gonna be dealing with, the sooner I give you my last name. I just have to see if your craziness is worth the investment I’m going to make.”
“What do you do when you really like a girl, maybe even lover her?”
Russian Dude’s friend chimed in first, “Stop cheating on her.”
Then Russian Dude said, “Buy them shit. Go out of my way to do something for her, like putting away the dishes because I know she appreciates it. Or buy her a car. Yeah, I just bought my girlfriend a car. She’s having my kid for Christ’s sake, I figured it was the right move.”
“At what point do men decide they want to date you?”
Russian Dude: “Men decide within 5 seconds of meeting you if we want to take you on a date. it’s based 100% on looks. If you are not awesome to look at, why in the hell would we waste money to pretend to like talking to you?”
“What date do you usually sleep with a girl”
Russian Dude: “Is there alcohol involved? 1st date. No drinking involved? Wait until alcohol is involved. We’re just as self-conscious and awkward as you. We need the alcohol to feel like superman and lure you in with our capes.”
“What thing do you wish women would just get about men?”
Russian Dude: “Sometimes we want to just be left alone. You chicks analyze too god damn much. Your conversations have no substance. If the only thing you can talk to me about is some other girl that you are best friends with one minute and then the next you are talking back stabbing trash talk then just shut the fuck up. Seriously, there are better things to talk about and most of the time I want to shove my head into a blender when you open your mouth. I’d rather talk to my friends. Which is exactly why I’m here at a bar on Thursday night with my friend watching football and drinking beer, four eyes.”
“Fair enough” I said.
“Do you think your zodiac sign correlates with your personality and what percentage do you think it does?” Russian Dude: “50%”
“Turn offs/ons during sex?”
Russian Dude: A girl farted on me. Gross. I didn’t call her ever again. Then this one girl literally tickled my balls and then swallowed. She’s now having my baby.”
The more this guy drank the better answers I was getting. LOVE.
“Are politics a deal breaker in a relationship?”
Russian Dude: “No, because I’ll just prove them wrong. I think having differing opinions on important stuff actually makes the relationship stronger. It gives us an opportunity to see if you will stick up for yourself and not always agree with me. Plus if we get into an argument and start being assholes to each other, there’s make up sex to follow shortly after”.
“What things do you hate about girls that you are too scared to tell them? ”
Russian Dude: “How they are period. I have no good answer for this. My girlfriend drives me fucking crazy. I’ve been with her for 3 years and love her but fuck sometimes I would like to throw myself in front of a moving car. But that’s the thing about relationships. They drive you crazy, you spend all your money, but somehow they make you better. That person makes you better and you’re just better together.”
I giggled and said “Damn, you’re kind of sensitive bitch.”
“Take your sweater off…”
I rolled my eyes, “Oh my GOD, we’re moving on.”
“How much time do you spend in front of the mirror getting ready?
Russian Dude: “20 minutes, but what kind of fucking question is that?” “Shut up, I’m interviewing you, not the other way around.”
“What’s the scariest thing about relationships”
Russian Dude: “That one of us isn’t going to want to get married or the other person wants to and I don’t.”
“Craziest thing you’ve done sexually”
Russian Dude: “Sex in the ocean, I got stung by a jellyfish. I don’t really do adventurous stuff anymore because of that.”
“Percentage of sexual compatibility/chemistry do you think is significant in a relationship”
Russian Dude: ” 100% . If we don’t have great sex, it’s not worth it. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life fucking someone who doesn’t do it for me.”
I was starting to get stupid tired and didn’t want to start being a crap interviewer so I looked down at my watch, yawned and said, “Well boys, I really appreciate the time you invested in this and I think I’ve got some good insight. Good luck with being a dad and get home before midnight.” We shook hands, said our goodbyes and I was on my way home by 9:30. 2 hours of research down. So far I’ve learned that men generally think along the same lines. Some are more vulgar and forthcoming with their answers but it’s pretty much the same message and when I get that thesis statement perfected, I”ll share. 🙂