I’ve been busy compiling things that I’ve written the past year to kick off this little bloggy-blog and I figured the piece below would be the best place to start…

(Written in September) So after fallout of my last relationship I got this great idea. I was going to once and for all sit down and write my book. But I couldn’t write it about made up shit, because honestly my life is way too entertaining and juicy for that nonsense. So i decided to dive head first into the world of online dating, for research purposes only mind you. Armed with an alias, a keen sense of observation and stripped emotions, I started a blog:

“Dating and other Adventures of Stella D. Beckett

I’ve got a laundry list of Totally Mr. Wrongs. I also have some amazing and heart wrenching stories to go along with it. So many relationship mistakes, so many years spent not knowing what I want. But it’s cool; It’s experiment time. The tables have turned and I’m taking the emotion out of it. I’m in stealth mode. Dates + me just being me + taking notes + living life to the fullest = Blog worthy entertainment”

That is verbatim the blog heading. I chose a pseudo name because, well, let’s face it. My parents would die of a heart attack if they knew I was the one behind everything I was intending to put in the blog and I really just couldn’t handle lectures, tears and “I’m so disappointed in you” phone calls if they ever discovered the contents of my raw and unedited life. Besides, I had enough of that BS in high school when the worse things I did were getting drunk off zima and apple pucker ONCE, coming home 30 minutes past curfew a handful of times and being late for church because I was too busy making out with my boyfriend. Oh the things that happen when you move away from home…Aside from trying to shield my parents from cardiac arrest, I also was secretly hoping that I’d be able to publish my research into a best seller. We’ll see how that one turns out.

Thus began the creation of Stella D. Beckett and my search to get in the middle of the dating world and minds of men. I knew that I was going to need some help, so I recruited the opinions of friends and asked questions. I took from their experiences and coupled them from my own. I’m sure a few of you wondered where the randomness was coming from but I learned that Men think the same. Men know exactly what other men’s intentions are and will protect the MOs of other Men at all costs. I also learned that there is a definite number of dates girls hold out on before they you know what as well as the number of dates a man will tolerate you holding out until he drops you like you’re hot. I also learned how guys really feel about BJs and how they use it against us…giggle.

Blog post #1: We’ll get to that….(June 20, 2012)

“I seriously just spent 2 hours typing up the past 9 years of my love life. And I go to submit and what do you know? The fucking page expired and I lost everything.

Well I’m going to take that as a sign from the blog gods that I just need to start from this point in time and we’ll go back and re-visit when the time is right.

Hi there. I’m Stella D. Beckett. If you stumbled across this blog on accident or for any other reason, well, you lucky son of a bitch. I kid. Ok, maybe only a little. (Insert coy smile)

You will get a first hand account of my new found freedom, self-discovery and this little project I’m embarking on. Oh and trust me, you won’t be sorry. I’m kind of wildly entertaining on occasion and I’ve been writing since I was 5. Plus, I’ve done a whole lot of really inappropriate shit in relationships, had the same done to me, experimented in ways that made for colorful conversation  found out my alcohol intolerance level with loads of stories to accompany how that came about and  I even went and got married at the ripe age of 21 because I was too much of a pussy to be honest with myself and run when I had the chance. Then I filed for divorce and instead of getting a small crappy studio apartment down-town and joining the red-cross to do humanitarian work or live in a tree-house and write every waking moment like I had always dreamed of doing, I got a swanky loft down-town, fell in love with a steroid-ed, narcissistic asshole who broke my heart and betrayed me. But I saved face and dumped his lying, cheating ass.  And here I am. I’ve spent the last two weeks holed up in my room reading self-help and “you’re better off without him” books and trying my damnedest to masturbate without balling my head off. I know, I know. It fucking weird-ed me out too…But alas. I grabbed my balls, wiped the snot off my freckled nose, had a beer and danced around to some Frank Sinatra and felt life breathe back into me. My heart is still in several pieces but I’m moving forward.

So you get to see my life start over at the age of 27. Everything you read will be all truth, all real-life experience from my past and present, but names will be changed. I’m going to do what my Grandmother always told me “Stella, never settle. You are one of the most talented people I know and have so much going for you. Please promise that you won’t get married before you turn 25 and promise me that you will write. Write a book and don’t ever stop doing what you’re amazing at.”

Well Grams, sorry I crashed on burned on the whole marriage thing but I promise you’ll get your book one day. But for now, you’ll have to just know your granddaughter will be diligently documenting her entire life and having a blast doing so. So I guess in the grand scheme of things, this is for you Grams…”

Blog post #2: Rules is Rules…(June 21, 2012)

“Alright, so I’m gonna lay it all out. The heading of the blog is pretty self explanatory but I’ll break it down a little further.

I’m going to join a dating website and go on as many dates as possible. I’m going to put myself out there and date all types of guys. If someone hits on me in the grocery store or at the gym, hell, wherever…I’ll totally put them in the bank of dates. 

Emotions will be taken out of it. And I will have a strict set of rules I will follow.

Rule #1: No more than 5 dates with any given guy. After 5 dates they will expect sex or have spent enough time with me to probably try really hard to get sex or heaven forbid want something more than casual. Not gonna happen.

Rule #2: Under absolutely NO circumstance will I meet parents, siblings, or any other family member. And they will not meet any of my people. Except MAYBE my best friend. She’s the shit and would probably add more entertainment value. We kind of run the world when we’re together anyways and hilarity ensues anytime we decide to knock back a couple shots of patron or just be us sober.

Rule #3: NO SEX. of any kind. I’m keeping it at strictly kissing. 

Rule #4: They will know nothing of my experiment, nothing of this blog and I’m going to be as mysterious as I can. I won’t talk about my failed marriage, my asshole ex boyfriend or my dog that I miss. I will be in observation mode, but super totally me observation mode because there are no expectations. I’m not looking for a relationship, or a fuck-buddy. So it totally takes the pressure off of me. And really, I think I’m going to gain some insider information to give to all of you on how you REALLY should be all the time. So many games, so many moments of ugh I want to stick my finger down my throat bullshit. I’ve been through it all. But I’m going to repeat it, but this time I have the control.

4 simple rules to follow. Easy enough.”

Blog post #3: That was a really big freakin’ bite…(June 27, 2012)

“So as of Friday I joined plentyoffish.com. It’s a free dating website and the only two words I have are: HOLY CREEPERS!

By the end of an 8 hour activation stint, I had about 150 messages to go through. And only 1 guy that was worth giving a second glance at, picture AND content of the profile.

So I went on a date with him Saturday. Please enter T. 33, Aquarius, beautiful blue eyes, stunning sense of humor and the easiest person in the world to talk to.

He took me on a picnic, I climbed a tree and about 7 hours later we ended up paddle boating and having dinner listening to a live band. And then I came up with the earth shattering idea to wade through the water fountain outside the History Museum. He sat sideline and watched me give into my childish passions with several others in judgment and embarrassment. Sorry dude, take all of me or none of me. I do what I want.

I have no complaints. It was the perfect afternoon/evening. And he didn’t kill me and hide my body all over the park.

Online dating project beginning = success.

But I really feel like I’m biting off more than I can chew. There’s a lot of messages in my inbox that I haven’t even bothered to reply to. There are just SO MANY crazy dudes out there.

But alas, I set up two more dates. We’ll see how it goes. Stay tuned.”

Non Blog post Information:

Amongst the literally bat shit crazy messages I was getting, there were a couple guys that I responded to who I chose to give my digits out to when asked:

Scottsdale – That was my nickname for him. He traveled back and forth from St. Louis to Kansas City, residing in Kansas City. He was a firecracker. 35, never married, longest relationship lasting a year, 6’2 and sounded like he loved to have fun. He knew his good looks could get him anything he wanted and I didn’t have to know his rap sheet to assume he used his lines on several dumb girls that only pay attention to the content of the babbling that comes out of his mouth instead of the the underlying currents that were his bullshit. He pulled the whole, “I’m done running around and being in meaningless relationships. I know what I want. I’m only in town for 2 more days, I really want to take you to dinner”. I declined. We engaged in playful banter and I was ruthless with my clever and witty bashing. There were so many things screaming player, but I was having fun with the conversation. He did have hella game and thought he was pretty smooth on the execution but I want to think he knew I could see through it. He tried pushing every button he could but I had nothing to lose by continuing to text him. Then I said, “why don’t you just stop being a pussy and just call me.”

Awkwaaaard. It’s funny how guys that talk so much game via text literally fall apart when they have to articulate sounds out of those gaping holes of there’s. I was thoroughly disappointed  I really wanted to hear this guy throw some word missiles my way. Sigh. I got bored and said “I have to let you go, I’m running late for karaoke date.” Well what do you know. Ladies, the best way to get a man to not leave you alone is to A. Ignore him. B. Tell him you’re going on a date the same night he wants to see you. C. Not answer his texts.

Good lord. He didn’t get all crazy or anything but it’s true what they say, “men want what they cannot have”. He called me on my sudden fade out and reluctant-ness to communicate with him and he said, “guess i let you slip through my fingers.”

No sir, you did not. Not literally anyway 😉 He was a blast to textually banter back and forth with, but no way no how would I meet a really hot guy for dinner, let him buy me a ton of drinks and then talk myself into justifying random sex. I just know myself too well and am only human with needs and hormones too. And I really didn’t feel like breaking one of the rules. No matter how pretty that smile was. He tried two more times to reach out and it was radio silence on my end.

Good Looking, Adrenaline Junky, Kayak Salesman aka “Bucky” – Giggle. This was a week fling that I just could not bring myself to actually consummate with a face to face date. Aside from getting called darlin’ in every text and him wanting to “Have some beers and get weird”, I was pretty sure I lacked the alcohol tolerance and attention span to deal with him. Again, super cute and totally witty with his texts but eh. Actually thought about giving him a friend’s number though because I thought they might hit it off. But then I wondered if that would err on the offensive side…

Blog post #4 :When tight jeans met me for coffee…(July 3, 2012)

“Oh giggle. So after I had agreed to meet T on a picnic, I also set up a casual coffee date with J for the next day, Sunday morning.

He looked very cute in his pictures and had an impressive story about being Canadian and his parents escaping something or other. Honestly I can’t remember. He worked for Wells Fargo and didn’t like it that much and we really didn’t talk that much prior to our date.

So Sunday morning I went to Mass and then met him at noon at Starbucks by my house. Deal Breaker #1, he was late. Not a few minutes, but 8. Yeah, maybe I’m just old school or have standards that some women don’t, but don’t show up late to a first date. Seriously dude.

Deal Breaker #2, he showed up in the tightest pair of testicle saran wrap jeans I have ever seen on a male and a shirt that I could tell the outline of his man nipples. Been with someone like that before and I had insider information on how long those dudes spend in the mirror and how meticulously they electric razor their balls. C’MON. So, needless to say, as he explained why he was late and blah, blah, blah, I was trying to decide if I should ask him where he got his striped v-neck; It would have looked amazing on me and also if his family jewels needed to go in the air conditioning because they look like they were suffocating. Not that I was looking…Ok, I totally was. But it seriously was like a bad car wreck, I could NOT not look.

Deal Breaker #3, no grown ass 37 year old male should profusely be sweating from his forehead and nothing else, on a date. I don’t care who you are. I can totally understand first date jitters, happens to the best of us. But not at 37 and not at that magnitude. He seriously was gushing and gave the condensation dripping from my iced passion fruit tea the silver medal in sweating Olympics. I don’t mind sweat, I actually think it’s a turn on to see some insanely attractive guy sweating his balls off…in appropriate settings of course.

Deal Breaker #4, I should not have to pry conversation out of a male. I’ve got confidence and I can have a conversation with just about anyone. But this guy, it was like pulling nails. About 10 minutes into it I just looked at him really intensely and said, “tell me something you’re really passionate about”. 

Hold up, I need to bask in this moment right now. Because as I’m sitting there, looking cute in my winery dress, elbow propped up on the table awaiting to hear some swoon worthy conversation starter like “Oh I love kids” or “I volunteer my time at nursing homes” or even “I just really fucking love sports”; I’m thinking to myself “this better be fucking good, because I just spent $3.49 on a tea and this has been the most awful 17 minutes of my life”. 

He switches legs and neatly crosses them and his chest puffs out a little and he says, “I am amazing at making lamb”….

I laughed out loud. I seriously could not help it. I wasn’t super rude about it but I tried to recover and said, “Well I’ve always been a red meat type of girl and I don’t think I’ve ever had it”. Well what do you know, the boy liked talking about meat. And that’s what we did for the next 5 minutes. 

You have no idea what was going on in my head mentally. I’m pretty sure there was a huge flashing light that screamed GAY! I couldn’t take it anymore. No way I was going to spend one more second with this guy so at 22 minutes I casually looked down at my watch and said, “I have to be at the winery at 1 and I’m finished with my drink”. Even though I wasn’t going to a winery. I was actually supposed to be having dating #2 with T. He looked a little surprised and responded with, “Can I walk you to your car?”

I giggled out of sheer shock that he couldn’t pick up on my non-interest but I appeased his request. I jay walked the entire time as he walked on the sidewalk. I didn’t even realize what I was doing and then laughed again as we got to my car. He probably thought I slipped some vodka in the tea I was drinking.

Not that I needed any more deal breakers, but #5 popped up when he didn’t grab my door and open it for me. Nope. He stood there in his painted on clothing and said with a smile, “I’ll talk to you later”. I said “Have a good day” and thought, “No way in hell I’ll be talking to you again”.

It may have been a little harsh and I was very judgmental but you know I think I just had come from a pretty epic date the night before and my head really wasn’t in the game.

But I did get a text from him a few hours later asking me how the winery was. I did feel slightly bad that I lied to get out of the date but that quickly went away.

Oh and ps, he didn’t look anything like his pictures. Damn boys and their fuckery.”

 More Non Blog Post Information:

I love karaoke. Like I love it so much that I would live and breathe Karaoke if I could. So I went on a date with a guy, don’t even remember his name. But we met at Double D’s Karaoke bar and hands down it was one of THE best dates I’ve ever been on. Hell, I could probably say it’s one of the best times I’ve had in a long time. We had a blast. Drank beer, did some rum chata shots to take the edge off before we sang and were completely casual. This guy was super cute but super short. I won’t date anyone under 6’0 so I knew from the beginning this probably would not be going anywhere. Don’t hate . You get nowhere in life refusing to be honest and always trying to be politically correct. 

I like to think I’m pretty bad ass at Karaoke  I’m comfortable in my confidence to sing whatever I want, whenever I feel like it and not need 3 girls singing with me because i need the security. Nope. I have zero issue belting out “Like a virgin” or “I wanna dance with somebody” at any given time. Add some alcohol and you’ll even get some dance moves and slight chicken neck goin’ on.He was super quiet the first half hour. I even texted Kari and told her I’d be coming home early. She said, ‘Whoa, it must be a dud if you’re texting me not even an hour into it…” But them once we started drinking and making jokes, he loosened up.

So me and Minnesota shorty had this bet. We’d each sing two songs and we’d let the crowd pick the winner. Whoever won had to buy the next round of drinks. This little shit had me believing that he was confident enough to make a fool of himself but not that great. The few days leading up to our date we texted here and there and teased each other about him having to practice in the shower and how his dog was starting to complain at the noise. Sly Sly Sly little man.I went first and fucking killed it. NAILS. My version of Whitney Houston’s “I wanna dance with somebody” impressed. I  was pleased with myself, had a cocky grin on my face and walked back to the table. He went up for a high five and said “Wow”. I was thinking, “Little did he know I’ve been jumping on couches while watching Newsies since age 8 and have every Disney song  written before 199 7 memorized.  He had no clue what he was getting himself into. Poor guy”. It was like a mortal combat moment. 

So he gets up on stage. He’s calm, collected but putting off this I just wanna get this over with aura. Kinda confusing. I  cocked my head to the side a little wondering how he’s gonna do. The music to “Ain’t goin’ down til the sun comes up” music starts. He looks at me, smiles mischievously and my jaw hits the floor. Boy could sing. Not only could boy sing but he had the mic leaned back, knees bent and belting out the damn words better than Garth Brooks himself. I was shocked. The tables turned and I just sat there like, ‘”Damn, if that ain’t some shit…”

 He came back to the table after applause erupted and took a drink of his beer. I said “What the hell was that??”. He laughed and said ” I need another beer”. I rolled my eyes and went to get up to grab us more drinks, but he told me to sit down and he got them instead. We had a blast that night. He was  nice, funny and a gentleman. After 3 drinks and our 2 songs being sung  he pulled me out on the dance floor and had his way with me. Completely G rated though. Its was like swing/line dancing and I was having a great time.

We sat back down and this drunken hot mess of a girl came over and was complementing me on my last song slaying of ‘”Call me maybe”. She threw her arm around Minnesota shorty and said “Oh my god, that was soooooo good. She’s like so hot and just…”hiccup”…ooozes sex appeal. I loooooove her hair”. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I said, “Thanks. Totally flattered but I’m on a first date with this guy.” and then giggled. I kid you not she hugged both of us and  screamed “Congratulations!!!” like we just got fucking married or something. Sigh. Drunk chicks. She scurried off after we looked at each other blankly and then both took a sip of our drinks. We danced a few more times and then decided to call it a night. He walked me to my car, kissed me on the cheek and I went on my merry little way. Totally blasted Journey on the way home because I still had some word energy to burn off.

All in all, first date with guy #3 was great. But I knew i probably wouldn’t be talking to him again. He’s be a great friend, but that’s it.

Blog post #5: Revisting the picnic…(Sometime late July 2012)

“So remember T, the one who took me on the picnic? I feel like it owe it to you to go into a little more detail than I previously did. Especially since I just looked at my post about too tight jeans guy and yeah, T deserves some props. And considering that I pretty much ditched my coffee date with J to go on date #2 with T, i figured I should probably divulge the details of why… T sent me a message at 5:28 pm on 6/22/2012. It went a little something like this: “Your pic and profile are adorable. I am a normal, down to earth guy and consider myself a gentleman.  I have an amazing 5 year old daughter who shares time with me and her mom.  If you read about me and want to message me back, I would love it. I HATE Applebee’s, so you are in the clear. (I put in my profile prior awful experiences about dates at applebee’s) Hope to hear back from you.”

I saw the message come through about ten minutes later. I had just gotten home from work and the notification popped up on my phone. He literally was the only attractive person to message me and didn’t say something along the lines of, “Wanna Smush?” “Let’s hookup” or got defensive about my requirements that you must spell everything correctly. Don’t judge, I have standards. I read the message and looked at his profile. He seemed super sweet, laid back and I loved his smile. So I poured a glass of wine and wrote back:

“Hi T, Thanks for the compliment. What’s your daughter’s name? You sound like you enjoy the laid back side of things.  I can appreciate that.  You have an incredibly kind smile. Sadie” 

Oh yeah. It was totally “Let’s be as proper as we can and get to know a little about one another before I start dropping F bombs and making you squirm.” So that back and forth went on through the night, until about 9 or so. I really enjoyed talking to him and he seemed so interesting and a good person. But he could have been a serial killer for all I knew. But I was two glasses of wine down and really didn’t feel like prolonging this “You’ve got mail” game, so I said,

“Are you going to take me on a date?”.

Are you cringing? You shouldn’t be. There’s nothing wrong with an attractive, grounded female asking someone to take her on a date. I mean he did spend the better part of 3 hours waiting for each of my messages to come through, it’s obvious he found me entertaining enough to message back. Besides, i think some men like that. I know that I’m not going to wait around for the dude to pursue me. I just never have. And some guys just weren’t raised to be the ones who make the first move. But I also had nothing to lose if he decided he didn’t want to. I mean, I had 150 other messages to get through and a “I don’t give a fuck mentality”. He tried to put the ball in my court and leave it up to me to decide when but I said,

“I’m putting the ball in YOUR court and you tell ME when YOU want to take ME out”.

Picnic in the park the next day. I suggested it, but he took the reigns and said he would take care of everything. Enter Saturday afternoon. It was an absolutely gorgeous day. We had agreed to meet at 1 pm that day in a large park in the middle of the city. The night prior to I didn’t really put much thought into the date I had just scheduled. Of course I wondered what he would be like and hoped he was as cute as he was in his picture, but I refrained from putting expectations on anything because I didn’t want to attach any emotions to anything. I was hell bent on starting my little project and seeing where it took me. I remember getting ready and texting Kari the entire time. She asked me what I was gonna wear. “Eh, probably jeans and a tank top. I wanna be casual.” So I threw on a pair of black jeans and a neon yellow/green tank top. I bopped around in my bathroom listening to rap as I did my hair and put on a little bit of makeup. I felt good. I felt confident and I looked good. It was the first time in over a year I was able to look at myself in the mirror, smile and say “Damn girl, you got it goin’ on”. It really was a defining moment for me. Even though a week prior to that I started to feel like me again, this day was just different. This day I could feel deep down in my soul that I had my life back, that I was in control of what was going to happen from here on out and that I genuinely and truly wanted goodness, compassion, happiness and MY ideas of  fun.  I was done being around people who were awful for my self-esteem, who were selfish, who were only after boosting their egos or the pursuit of anything that was against what I stood for. I only wanted people with values and a moral compass in my life. I wanted people that I could connect with, people that really knew me and could accept me for what I was. People that didn’t want to change me, people that wanted to protect their relationship with me and do what it took to be good, honest and someone I could be proud of saying I was connected to.

Kinda heavy for a thought process pre date, huh? Nah. I’ve learned a very valuable lesson through a lot of my trials in life. Thoughts become things. The things you think about absolutely become things. The inner voice that talks to you throughout the day, the things that you say aloud to yourself and to people, your attitude…everything. Some people have to go down different paths to grasp that and it doesn’t always happen for them at a younger age. I was just fortunate enough to learn that lesson when I did. So, I refused to think negative thoughts. Sure I could have thought, “What if he’s boring, not attractive and not nice” or “What if he doesn’t talk, what if he does drugs or is anything like the last relationship I just got out of”. But nope, none of those thoughts occurred to me. I decided prior to even getting on the dating website that I was going to think positively and only put good thoughts out there. It’s really quite amazing how the universe aligns things at particular times in our lives with particular people and particular situations. And the most amazing thing about it, is that we are the ones who control all of that. We bring the goodness into our lives. What we think about, is what we attract.”

Blog post #6: Word of the year…CHANGE (August 2012)

“So i have come to a pretty blatant realization. I’ve always known this deep down but I can say it with utmost confidence now… I am 100% NOT afraid of change. In 38 days I accomplished creating a whole new life for myself.

 – In lieu of my endometriosis being the worst it’s ever been and by doctors orders pre-surgery, I gained 12 pounds. Went from 92 to 104. (Update, I’m 109!) I’m pretty proud of myself. Surgery September 18th. 

 – I stripped all toxic people from my life. Closed chapters of relationships that aren’t good for me and am investing in the trustworthy genuine people I have in my life.

 – NEW JOB in the area of law I spent thousands of dollars studying and with a great firm and more opportunity for growth. I couldn’t be more excited.

 -Obtained my annulment from the Catholic church from my prior marriage (It’s been a long year and a half but it’s such a huge relief)

Things are all falling into place and furthers my belief that “thoughts become things”. My word of the year for 2011 was change and I think it carried it over to 2012. Think I’m gonna make a shift and say “bliss” is for 2012/2013 :)”

The here and now:

I just don’t have it in me to date multiple people at the same time, even if it was for book writing purposes only. I literally could not keep up with the facts of numerous people and quite honestly, I got anxious every time I had to recall if what I was about to say had been said already. I had went on a couple more dates with T. He knew I was dating other people, I wanted to be upfront and honest. But Like all boys, they don’t like to share. So he wanted me to know “He really didn’t like the idea of other guys spending time with me and that if I still wanted to allow other guys to date me then he just wanted to do the whole be friends thing”. I found it endearing, cute and thought, what the hell. I’ll exclusively date him and see what happens. I should’ve smacked myself right then and there. I already was breaking rule #1 and going on more dates with him than I said. And I was letting emotion in. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Well that lasted about 6 weeks.  I came to the realization I was not ready for another relationship, particularly one with the inter workings of what was going on. Though he was an amazing and genuine person, we are better off as friends. Plus, i think still having dreams of beating the shit out of my ex Tiger Woods style is a red flag that maybe I need to let the indifference set in for awhile before I go getting vulnerable with someone else. And quite frankly, I have so much fun when I’m not tied down and have to worry about another person. And if I’m really going to be honest, I couldn’t deal with the baby mama drama that was starting to boil. It was just way TOO much, He was trying to force me to be a part of something that I wasn’t meant to be a part of and deep down I knew it was not for me.

My best friend said it best, “You are not so good at “just” doing things Mer. You said it. You go big or you go home”. And she’s right. I’m great at being me and I know who I am. And I’ve learned that there isn’t a single person on the face of this earth that I should compromise that for. I think we’ve all been guilty of letting emotions and situations run away from us. And sometimes we have to hurt and be hurt to learn what makes us uniquely individual and happy with ourselves. We don’t need another person to complete us. We’re whole if we learn to love ourselves and just live. Adding another person to the equation can’t work until you become a pro at putting yourself first and being comfortable in your own silence. That’s something truly magical and priceless.I would rather have this life where I can look in my mirror every morning and smile at myself because I love what’s looking back at me 100% than risk my happiness and heart to not be alone. Furthermore, it is in my nature and what makes me “me” to do exactly what I feel like doing at any given moment. I’ll never allow that to be stifled by ANYONE. Even myself when I try and justify something that’s just not me, for any relationship. Friend, family or romantic.

And that’s my hope for you. That shit doesn’t happen overnight. It happens by living life. So go do it. And make YOURSELF proud. But feel free to put it on facebook so I can comment on it and boost your ego. Who knows when my book will grace the stands of bookstores or even what’s gonna be in it. Who knows if I’ll decide to finish the project I started or if I go off and join the circus. And maybe that’s the sweetest moment of all: When you realize you don’t have to have all the answers and that it’s o.k. not to know.

So I have shifted into nerd mode. Research on men and women and their thoughts on relationships, sex and the opposite sex. My dating victories and woes will also be documented but now that I’m legitimately open to meeting and pursuing a relationship with my partner in crime (whoever he may be), I think I need to switch up the spotlight.

Damn Gena.

Get it and run with it,

Mercedes